Speaker 1: 0:00
You’re 30. You finally met someone who ticks all your boxes he’s practicing, he’s stable, he’s kind and you feel ready. But then your dad takes one look at him and says absolutely not. No solid reason that makes sense, just no. And this isn’t the first time You’ve been here before. So now you’re wondering is this what getting married will be like? Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba and I’m Zaid. You’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker, a podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1: 0:34
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim. So let’s dive in Bismillah.
Speaker 2: 0:40
It’s in Surah Isra, in the first quarter of the 15th Juz, and we’ve heard it over and over again. I’ve heard it all my life in khutbahs, I’ve heard it in halaqas you don’t say as much as uf to your parents. You take care of them just like they took care of you when you were young. But what gets swept under the rug oftentimes is cases of injustice and abuse. Now, I’m not talking about the kind of domestic abuse, but in the context of marriage, we’ve been seeing a lot of these cases. Yes, they are rare and extreme cases, but they do come up in our discovery calls. So, alhamdulillah, we finally decided to sit down and review those cases and dedicate an episode to this.
Speaker 1: 1:25
Yeah. So today we’re talking about the father who says no to everyone, based on just bogus reasons you could say, and what you can do in these situations.
Speaker 2: 1:35
The common reasons we hear from girls that are complaining about this is that the guy is either of a different race or doesn’t speak the same language or a different culture, doesn’t make enough money, doesn’t make enough money, doesn’t have a high enough education all reasons that are not necessarily grounded in our deen now, the problem is that a girl can’t marry without her wali without her father’s permission.
Speaker 1: 2:03
So today we’re talking about wilaya and which situations that wilaya can be removed from an oppressive father.
Speaker 2: 2:12
So what is wilaya, Dr Saadi?
Speaker 1: 2:15
Dr Saadi, I’m not a doctor yet.
Speaker 2: 2:17
Inshallah, one day she’s going to pursue her PhD.
Speaker 1: 2:19
Inshallah. But yeah, alhamdulillah, I did go to University of Jordan, studied sharia there, and then I did my master University of Jordan, studied Sharia there, and then I did my master’s in Tafsir. So even though I’m not a scholar, I’m not a stranger to the field. The reason I’m saying this, I’m stating this, is because we’re discussing a sensitive topic today. So what is wilaya? Wilaya in marriage is the Islamic principle that a woman, a woman’s guardian usually her father is responsible for ensuring she marries someone who’s suitable and that the process is conducted responsibly and Islamically. So you could see that wilaya is actually a protection and it’s not a prison. It’s a responsibility and it’s not a privilege. And what happens when it gets abused?
Speaker 2: 3:08
yeah, so it’s. It’s a good question. Let’s unpack that. Uh, why is he saying no? Why is the father saying no? Um, not every rejection is oppressive. I’m sure fathers don’t come with an ill intention saying no, I just want to keep my daughter with me for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1: 3:29
Like Rapunzel.
Speaker 2: 3:30
Rapunzel. But when every man is being rejected or dismissed, it’s time to ask important questions. Is it about control? Is it about status? Is it race? Is it tribe? Is it it culture? What is the reason? Um or?
Speaker 1: 3:48
maybe, maybe they want to keep her, so she takes care of them in their old age, which is utter selfishness it is, and that’s really screwed up.
Speaker 2: 3:57
Uh, is he afraid of losing control? Right, men can can be very controlling. Yeah, um is. Does he have unrealistic expectations? Right, the guy has to be a specialist in a certain field and he has to be either a doctor or an engineer.
Speaker 2: 4:15
Yes, um, is it and this one’s important is the disapproval rooted in culture or religion, right, um? So those questions are really important to ask and we’re not and I want to say this from the get-go and I’m going to say this again we’re not saying that if your dad says no to a guy, you’re immediately saying, okay, I’m going to remove your wilaya, you’re no longer my holy. We’re not suggesting that. Yeah, there are steps and these are extreme situations and, ultimately, we do not want you to ever sever your relationship with your parents.
Speaker 1: 4:49
But even though you know that’s strange, even though they’re extreme, they are not as uncommon as I thought they would be. We’ve been coming across them more times than we would have hoped for.
Speaker 2: 5:01
Yeah, I mean, who knows, maybe this has been happening for generations and now it’s just like we’re just seeing it for the first time, maybe. Uh, but yeah, we had. We saw a case come through in the uk. We saw a case can come through in canada, um, another european country. Yeah, in a case in in europe um. So it is pretty widespread yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: 5:24
So many women in these situations. They don’t know what to do. Should they wait, should they push, should they involve others? Or, if things get worse, should they even consider removing their father’s wilaya? And this episode is for those women who are asking am I doing something wrong or is there something wrong being done to me?
Speaker 2: 5:45
So each situation, each circumstance is different and we’re not going to give some sort of blanket fatwa. Number one, we’re not qualified to give fatwas, and even if we were, we wouldn’t just give some sort of blanket fatwa to everybody. Everybody’s circumstance is different and the goal should always be to secure the relationship between you and your father. So when? When should you consider escalating it? When has it gotten to a point where you think, okay, I should involve a third party? And that’s a good question? Because, um, number one, you should never jump to removing wilayah and, at the same time, you shouldn’t pretend it’s not an option. Right, because, alhamdulillah, our deen is so flexible and the fact that there is allowance for that shows that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is aware of the fact that responsibility and power can get abused. Yeah, right, so he’s power can get abused yeah.
Speaker 2: 6:45
Right, so he’s given us an outlet.
Speaker 1: 6:47
Yeah, allah, subh’anahu Wa Ta-A’la, will never accept any type of injustice, whether it’s being done to a daughter or a parent, any human or an animal, even an animal. Like a woman entered Jahannam because she abused a dog, so let alone when a father abuses his daughter.
Speaker 2: 7:08
Wow.
Speaker 1: 7:09
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2: 7:10
So the question I asked before is when should you start taking this idea of removing the wilayah seriously? Number one, as a girl, are you an adult woman? Has there been a consistent pattern of rejections based on reasons that are not rooted in Islam? Are the proposals that are coming from guys that are financially able to take on the responsibility of marriage are of a suitable character? These questions need to be kind of addressed.
Speaker 1: 7:46
another sign to look for is do others see what you see? Or maybe you’re being completely acting out of emotions and not thinking reasonably?
Speaker 2: 7:56
right? Or is he also threatening you, shaming you, trying to emotionally manipulate you?
Speaker 1: 8:03
you’re no longer my daughter, I will disown you, which is, by the way. If a parent says you will no longer be my daughter or my son, they could say that a hundred times, it would never change the fact that you are their daughter. He is your father for for sure.
Speaker 2: 8:19
Yeah, uh, let’s share some specific examples, okay. So the first one is of a girl from the UK I’m going to change her name to Farah and she was a girl in her 40s and she had been trying to get married for a long time and her parents were not only restrictive of the culture but also wanted her to get married to someone within the family extended family, obviously and um the obviously.
Speaker 2: 8:52
She didn’t find anybody compatible under the restrictions that her parents put and she got to a point where her parents just pretty much gave up and said and said that they don’t they don’t really care if she gets married or not, which is so sad and really boiled our blood, because the prime years of her life got wasted and naturally it’s difficult, especially for women, to get married in their 40s. She’s beyond the traditional or normal childbearing age and for her to find a compatible spouse at that age is, quite frankly, very, very challenging and if not impossible and despite all of this, she still doesn’t want to like move away from her parents, because she wants to take care of them at their old age yeah so which is amazing and all her siblings are married, all her siblings are married as children, and she’s the one who wants to get the reward of taking care of her parents so we?
Speaker 2: 9:51
I remember you had to put some sense into her about that yes, um, yes, people are the sensitive way. I mean you weren’t trying to, like you know, sever the relationship with her parents, but at the same time she had, you were trying to put some sense into her about um, her islamic right yeah, right, especially that she has siblings.
Speaker 1: 10:11
She has brothers, which is, by the way, the responsibility of taking care of old parents. It’s upon the brothers, not the sisters right, despite the fact that they’re married.
Speaker 2: 10:22
Yes, right, of course.
Speaker 1: 10:23
Yeah and so like. On one hand, I highly admire her because she was, she’s able to be so selfless and like take care of her family or her parents after what they did to her. But at the same time, is she thinking rationally? Or is she just thinking emotionally and like, because the last thing you want to do is for someone to subconsciously their misunderstanding of the deen or, they are, their romanticized perception of the deen ends up manipulating them or hurting them on the long term right, and another extreme kind of mindset with that is girls might be thinking oh allah, allah has a different plan for me he doesn’t want me to get married.
Speaker 2: 11:07
It’s not meant to be, it’s not in my nasib, and they don’t even think about the what their parents are doing to them or the fact that they have the option of seeking a third party to um trying to transfer.
Speaker 1: 11:23
We lie.
Speaker 2: 11:23
Yes, yeah, right because, like, they have this weird twisted understanding of islam’s, like, oh, it’s not nasib, or it’s nasib, I’m just not meant to get married. Well, no, that, like, you also have um control over your destiny to an extent. Right, yes, so it’s. It’s important that you don’t have your understanding of the deem twisted.
Speaker 1: 11:43
Yeah, and in this specific case the lady did everything. She reached out to matchmakers, she did events, asked people to recommend her. She’s social, she meets people, but at this age it’s becoming very difficult for her. And who to blame? The parents, daddy and mommy and mommy, yeah.
Speaker 2: 12:08
So let’s talk about example number two so example number two is completely different.
Speaker 1: 12:12
In this case, it’s the mother. This mother was a matriarch, she is, um, she was the leader of the family and she pretty much controlled her husband. Uh, anything she says, anything she wants happens, and the father failed to fulfill his part as a leader and in this case, she was blocking her daughter from getting married for what reasons? Superficial reasons. He doesn’t have enough money to throw a lavish wedding. He doesn’t have a master’s degree.
Speaker 1: 12:44
Um he’s not an engineer doctor exactly and the daughter was 35, reached 35 and it became a this mental manipulation, emotional manipulation and even the mother threatened um that she will disown her daughter If she marries behind her back, not behind her back, if she marries against her will and the father. He just does as he told, which is so sad, exactly.
Speaker 2: 13:17
I know we’re sounding judgmental, but I don’t care.
Speaker 1: 13:20
Honestly, this one, I wanted to punch the screen Like there are so many more details to this that we’re not going to share. But, like she was asking, the girl was asking if, like, what should she do? She doesn’t want to anger her mother, she doesn’t want to go against her mother, but the suitors were extremely compatible and still the mother is saying no.
Speaker 1: 13:46
So in this case, the father’s wilaya could be removed because he failed to fulfill his responsibility and he’s letting the mother just control everything, and there are an option to remove the wilaya, which we’re going to talk about later, right, Like how do we do that? We’ll get into that in a bit.
Speaker 2: 14:06
Example number three Okay, so in this, this call which we were just reviewing before we started recording, um, I could I could see myself getting visibly upset. It was. It got to the point where I just stopped midway through the call and I said, okay, we need to unpack a lot of these things, and I just started giving her advice and was being very blunt with her, so we’ll call this girl what’s what’s her mean, yes, mean okay, let’s call her yasmeen.
Speaker 2: 14:31
She is arab in her mid-30s. Uh lives in canada, very successful, pretty girl, uh fluent in english, and uh was telling us that, first of all, she just started looking in her mid-30s uh, which was a problem I had to address.
Speaker 1: 14:50
This was her first attempt.
Speaker 2: 14:51
This was her first attempt, and the other problem that was a red flag for me was the fact that she kept saying, oh, I’m so busy.
Speaker 1: 15:01
Yeah, I’m extremely busy, I’m extremely busy with work.
Speaker 2: 15:03
I’m extremely busy with this, that and the other. And that’s when I had to stop her and I said if you’re looking to get married, you have to make it a priority. And I said if you’re looking to get married, you have to make it a priority. But I’ve addressed that in other episodes. But the thing that stood out to me also in that episode was how her parents were not open to somebody, not only outside of the ethnicity, but also they were not even open to her seeking a matchmaker.
Speaker 1: 15:30
So there were multiple barriers. Yeah, so they were not open to somebody from outside of the sub-ethnicity. So, Arabs, we come from different backgrounds, different countries, but they wanted someone from the specific country and let alone someone who’s not Arab which is extremely difficult in Canada, in her specific province with low number of muslims. To begin with, if this was ontario, it would be slightly easier. Yeah, yeah, so that was one layer of difficulty. The another, the second layer, like you mentioned, they were absolutely against her seeking help yeah she has to wait for the nasib to come I don’t understand this about your culture.
Speaker 1: 16:13
It really annoys me we don’t uh seek suitors, we don’t seek marriage, marriage seeks us wow, so entitled so entitled so backward exactly.
Speaker 2: 16:28
And so, yeah, we, we kept talking to her and we said, I remember, towards the end of the call, I just said to her straight up that you really need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your parents.
Speaker 1: 16:39
And she said she does. She said every week I talk to them, every time I try to bring it up. I spent a month there, the month of Ramadan, and I kept telling him and opening the conversations and all of that, but they were just completely shut down you know, and the other thing I’m just thinking about now is that god forbid, let’s say god forbid with this girl.
Speaker 2: 17:00
She does and commit some sort of haram right, whether it’s an illegitimate marriage, a boyfriend relationship, whatever it might be, the parents will be questioned they are. They are responsible in some way right because, like we said in previous episodes, when you close the doors to halal, the haram becomes more enticing, right? And if parents are constantly closing these doors to these halal options for her, of course I mean, she’s living in a western country, she’s, she’s amongst non-muslims those doors are going to become very enticing for her and parents parents are going to have to answer.
Speaker 1: 17:35
Haram is pretty accessible. You don’t even have to be in a Western country. Haram is just on the tip of your finger.
Speaker 1: 17:44
You just find everything you want on your phone. But even she said she had a great suitor who was a revert and they rejected him. So what can a girl do in these situations? Hey, if you have a story to tell, we’d love to have you on here. You’ll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you’re going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatchca, of your story at info at halalmatchca. So at the time of the Prophet, there was a Sahabiya. Her name was Khansa bint Khidam and she came to the Prophet and she complained that her father married her off to a man without her consent and the Prophet invalidated the marriage. He said that without your consent it’s an invalid nikah, and scholars deduced from this that a father who abuses his wilaya is doing injustice to the girl and this invalidates the nikah. And they deduced from this that a father who’s abusing his wilaya and preventing his daughter from seeking marriage, then his wilaya can be removed. How does this look like in 2025?
Speaker 2: 19:00
so some actionable steps that you can take. We would never, ever recommend you take the drastic step of considering removing the wilaya from your father.
Speaker 1: 19:09
It’s like amputating a limb.
Speaker 2: 19:11
Yes, it’s very serious, and so this should only be considered under extreme circumstances. So, number one journal Document, every proposal that has come through. Why did your father reject them? Did the proposals meet basic Islamic criteria? Was he financially able? Did he have good akhlaq?
Speaker 1: 19:31
And try to be objective. Not just because you like the suitor, then you immediately consider that your father was unreasonable Right. Think practically.
Speaker 2: 19:42
It’s also worth documenting that you’re attracted to the guy. Of course, yeah, of course. So journaling, I would say, is the first step. The next step would be or they can happen, simultaneously, there’s no problem with that involving your mother, involving siblings like mature adult siblings, involving extended family that you trust, that are knowledgeable.
Speaker 1: 20:07
Talk to your father, remind him of the deen him of like the values of islam. That is, like islam is not a religion of racism and tribalism and materialism. So remind him of that.
Speaker 2: 20:21
Some people come around when they are reminded of islam yeah, and some, in some cases, fathers might connect with certain members of the community that they trust and understand. So I would say the next step is reach out to a respected shaykh imam scholar in the community and, uh, and have that person speak directly to your father and and like you just said, remind him about the dean yeah, uh, all these uh conversations with your father, they shouldn’t come up from a place of anger or uh revenge or like heated emotions, because once that happens, your father is just gonna block everything.
Speaker 1: 21:06
He’s not.
Speaker 2: 21:07
Nothing’s gonna go through yeah, at the end of the day, the father wants to know that his he’s being respected as the leader of the home. So let’s say you’ve tried all of these steps. Nothing’s worked. Now it’s time to.
Speaker 1: 21:23
For the drama.
Speaker 2: 21:24
For the drama to for lack of a better term cut the limb. So what do we do? Well, you do have the option ‘re not gonna dance around it you do have the option to get your father’s will I removed yes, and once again, this is only after you’ve tried everything else.
Speaker 1: 21:42
Yes, yes, yes yes and uh. So if you live in a muslim country, you can complain to the judge, to the muslim judge, present your case, like you said, if you did journal, then you show the evidence, every case, what happened, and then the judge will study the case, will study the evidence and if he finds that your father actually was doing injustice to you, he can transfer the wilaya to first the grandparent I believe. Yes, the grandparent, brother, an uncle, or, in some cases, he will act as your wali.
Speaker 2: 22:18
And he will marry you off.
Speaker 1: 22:21
So this is to our listeners who live in Muslim countries and to the rest of us who live in the West. We don’t have, like mahaqim sharia. We don’t have Muslim judges and sharia or anything here. So you go to a scholar in your community who is knowledgeable on family law, who does uh, nikah contracts and same thing, exactly same route. You present your case and, uh, if, for lack lack of better term, if your father found guilty, the scholar will act as your wali. There’s always a way, like Allah would never accept injustice to happen to anyone Just because he is your father and we are, like, obligated to obey our parents, but not in injustice.
Speaker 2: 23:12
Right. So the goal here isn’t to cut off your father, it’s to fulfill your Islamic right to marriage. You know, there’s cases where a father might say or he might emotionally blackmail you and say you know you’re not my daughter. I’m cutting you off if you get married without my consent.
Speaker 1: 23:29
You’ll not get my inheritance, which is all. Just what is a polite expression to say BS?
Speaker 2: 23:37
Hogwash.
Speaker 1: 23:38
This is just emotional manipulation.
Speaker 2: 23:40
Yeah.
Speaker 1: 23:41
Your father’s inheritance. It’s not his to decide oh, you’re not going to get any of my inheritance, it’s not his. Once he dies, then, like each person in the family who are entitled to inherit, they have their share. It’s not up to your father, exactly.
Speaker 2: 24:00
So there’s some important questions to ask if you are going to take this drastic step. Number one if your father never approves of anyone, are you willing to never get married? Right like, if you decide to just kind of go with the flow, are you okay with just being celibate? Or if you do go without him, are you emotionally prepared, both emotionally and spiritually ready, for what, what happens?
Speaker 1: 24:28
next, because it’s not just your father who’s gonna cut you off. It’s probably gonna extend to other family members, your mother, your siblings.
Speaker 2: 24:38
If you go and have children, your father might not want to have anything with your children one more thing I want to say about this is that the guy cannot pressure a girl to do this right. This is solely the decision of the girl. Yeah, it’s very important. So, guys, if you, if you are a guy listening to this, you cannot emotionally manipulate the girl to sever the relationship.
Speaker 1: 25:01
If you love me, you will remove your father’s will. I oh come on, that’s messed up and also for you, the girl are you so certain about this guy that you’re willing to bet your relationship with your family over him?
Speaker 2: 25:17
that’s a big question.
Speaker 1: 25:18
Yes, because if you’re not, then you might end up in a situation where you find yourself in a miserable marriage, or even divorced or whatever is worse, and at the same time you have severed the relationship with your family. So if you’re not sure about the guy, if it’s just your emotions leading you and not reason, then think twice before you take the step for sure, inshallah.
Speaker 2: 25:44
We hope this benefited you and as a reminder, this episode is not about disobeying your father or severing your relationship with him. It’s about reminding you of your islamic right to find a suitable spouse and that there are options available to you in extreme situations I think it’s important to just talk about the human aspect of it and not just like.
Speaker 1: 26:10
You have the right to do this. I you see the pain in these girls eyes and you see how it shaped their future and you see we don’t want that.
Speaker 2: 26:21
To see that exactly. You see the uncertainty, like they’re so uncertain about the their future.
Speaker 1: 26:23
And you see, we don’t want that. To see that Exactly. You see the uncertainty, like they’re so uncertain about their future, they find themselves in limbo. Should I stay patient? Should I uh go against my parents? Should I risk losing my relationship with my parents? I want a companion. I want the opportunity to have a family and have children. I want a companion.
Speaker 1: 26:42
I want the opportunity to have a family and have children, love someone, be loved. I have physical needs. I can’t even talk about my physical needs with my parents Like they would absolutely go nuts. So people find themselves trapped, and nobody should be in such a situation. Again, we are not telling you what to do, but we are just reminding you that if you find yourself in this dire situation, there are outlets, halal outlets. You shouldn’t feel guilty about them. You shouldn’t feel like you did anything haram. If you decide to go that route and may Allah guide you and us and everyone, to do the right thing- yeah.
Speaker 2: 27:24
So if you’ve been in this situation or are in it right now, or you know someone that’s in this situation, tell us that story anonymously. We want to hear your struggles, we want to hear your wins, what you would advise other women to do who are going through the same thing. And, inshallah, if you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend. It’s the only way we can grow and keep giving you guys more and sharing our professional and personal experiences. Until next time, as-salamu alaykum, as-salamu alaykum.