Episode 5: A Reality Check to Our Single Ladies

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba.

Speaker 2: 0:02
And I’m Zaid.

Speaker 1: 0:03
You’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in.

Speaker 1: 0:14
Bismillah.

Speaker 2: 0:18
Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba. Assalamualaikum, so we discussed before not on the podcast, but between you and I. We’ve been discussing a lot about pacifism and how we keep seeing this as a recurring theme, or not just a theme, but as actually a big hindrance for people that are looking to get married here in the West, and I couldn’t help but to think about our personal experiences when we were trying to get married. And were you passive? Was that something that was a hindrance?

Speaker 1: 1:01
Completely. I was completely passive. Not much thought there. Yeah, no, I was completely passive, not much thought there yeah, no, I was completely passive, but I think this is like the norm. Uh, like back home, like with arabs, especially when talking about girls. This is the norm. You don’t like there’s. What are you gonna do? Go out on the streets and say I want to get married. Who wants to marry me?

Speaker 2: 1:21
like well, I mean, there are matrimonial apps, there’s uh, it’s matchmakers. There are options so we like.

Speaker 1: 1:28
It’s very, very rare to have a matchmaker now okay in the arab world. And second of all, even if you’re using one, it’s something you you don’t want to boast about. It’s something like awkward kind of right, you mentioned.

Speaker 2: 1:42
Yeah, I think you mentioned that before.

Speaker 1: 1:43
Yeah and also matrimonial apps websites. This is something very recent. We don’t have matrimonial uh events like all of that, all of those options we have here in the west, so there’s really nothing you could do also I think it’s um is it difference in the way we’re just programmed as girls and guys?

Speaker 2: 2:06
Guys, we are more sexually driven right, so obviously there’s more of a need for us to get married and to satisfy our desires. Of course.

Speaker 1: 2:16
No, believe me, we want to get married as well.

Speaker 2: 2:17
Girls want to get married Right but I mean, I don’t think that. Let’s be honest here, you guys aren’t as driven as guys are.

Speaker 1: 2:27
We are driven, but from a different angle. We are driven because our motivation is we want to start a family, we want to have kids.

Speaker 2: 2:36
That’s true.

Speaker 1: 2:37
We want to have stability, not like the sexual incentive.

Speaker 2: 2:41
Right? Well, the reason I bring up the sexual incentive is because what we’re seeing as matchmakers is the guys that are typically looking to get married are 19, 20, 21 years old and the girls for some reason, on average are 32, 33, 34 more than a 10-year gap exactly, and I I just keep thinking about why we have such a gap and when I reflect upon when I was looking, yeah, alhamdulillah, I was proactive.

Speaker 2: 3:11
I was, like I mentioned in previous episodes that my search spanned about nine years. So when we talk about pacifism, let’s talk first about the girls. What is the number one reason girls are delaying marriage?

Speaker 1: 3:27
so, when it comes to girls, there are a few reasons I can think of why they choose to delay marriage, and I think the number one would be is because they choose to treat marriage as a passive endeavor and focus their time and energy on education, on career, on growing their skills, volunteering, all of that, which are all important. But the thing is, if you focus all your time and energy on that and you think marriage will happen when it happens, then it’s going to be too late later.

Speaker 2: 4:00
Right, and this is why we keep seeing girls approaching marriage in their 30s, Because they’ve dedicated all their 20s into their bachelor’s and master’s some cases post-master’s training, things of that nature and now they can’t make up for all this time.

Speaker 1: 4:18
Yeah, and this is not something like we’re making up. It’s actually words we heard from clients and girls we’ve spoken to, who come to us like at 32, 33, 34, even at some point at 37 right and they’re saying now I’m just beginning my search. I’m just, I’m done with my master’s, alhamdulillah. I’m stable in my career, all of that, and now I’m ready for marriage. Well, guess what? Guys don’t want something with someone that old.

Speaker 2: 4:47
Right, I don’t mean to sound sexist, but your most not attractive quality, but I would say your best tool is your youth.

Speaker 1: 4:59
Strong asset.

Speaker 2: 5:01
Yeah, your strongest asset. I guess I could say it’s not your education. It’s not your education, it’s not your career, it’s not all the accolades you’ve achieved in your life. It is actually your age and your youth.

Speaker 1: 5:14
Yeah, you know we’re going to tell you things here on this podcast that you’re not going to hear from other places and other content creators. We we promised we’re going to be honest and transparent and clear. And we’re not going to try to sugarcoat anything just to make the listener feel good about themselves. This is the truth, we’re coming from that world.

Speaker 1: 5:38
This is what we’re witnessing on a day-to-day basis. Guys and girls think very differently To you being successful and educated and achieved. This is so important, but to guys it really doesn’t make a difference to most guys at least to most guys yeah, to most guys.

Speaker 2: 5:56
And to add to that, I feel and I don’t know, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong but I feel there’s a certain level of shame that’s coming towards girls that are looking to take a traditional role, right that? Oh no, don’t do that. Now, you know, go get your education, be financially stable you want to be his slave?

Speaker 1: 6:17
stay at home. You want to be?

Speaker 2: 6:19
not, I wouldn’t say slave, but that’s, that’s a bit of an extreme word, but there I feel that there is some sort of shame associated with the word housewife.

Speaker 1: 6:28
Yeah, right, and uh, that’s not the case you know, there’s nothing more noble than taking care of your husband and children yeah, actually it is the most difficult job on the world, in the world it’s 24 7 365 right and like you’re bringing up the next generation who are gonna lead the ummah, and like bring good to this world right exactly so your husband goes to work, or whoever they go to work, they’re done with their work at a certain time. They come back. Now it’s relaxed time, exactly. You’re doing exactly the opposite, and now, girls don’t get us wrong.

Speaker 2: 7:00
We’re not, you know, downplaying the the value of getting an education career. Khadijah has one of the best examples we have of a of a businesswoman, uh, who was able to find that balance. So these things are important. I’m not downplaying the value of getting an education. Getting an education is very important, but that should not conflict with getting married.

Speaker 1: 7:22
And also education is something you can pursue while being married.

Speaker 2: 7:27
Exactly, they’re not mutually exclusive.

Speaker 1: 7:29
And that’s something that we don’t hear often. Like you have to be done with your education, start a career, maybe be stable in your career before you can think about marriage. Like this might be more true to guys for guys because, they’re responsible financially right.

Speaker 2: 7:47
For girls. I feel like it’s an insurance plan, like if things don’t work out, then at least I have my career in education, and there is some truth to that yeah, because marriages break and then she finds herself on her own without it yeah, so we understand the pressure that society plays and the culture plays but, we gotta fix this problem from its roots right marriage.

Speaker 2: 8:11
I mean, we could say this over and over again marriage should not be considered, uh, something later in life, and it’s. It’s definitely not some sort of uh. There aren’t these like superficial check boxes that make you ready for marriage?

Speaker 1: 8:25
if you ask any matchmaker, their database will be filled with women in their mid to late 30s and not enough guys in that category and, like now this has become. In the beginning, we were like, are we doing something wrong? Why are we attracting this category specifically? And after speaking to different matchmakers, people in the industry, if I can call it industry we discovered that no, this is the norm.

Speaker 2: 8:56
It’s amazing how much what you were sharing right now conflicts with our religion Right that, when the Prophet would help male and female companions try to get married, there was never these superficial expectations. The objective and we see this over and over again when we do our research for our workshops and we dive into this era the main thing that we keep seeing over and over again is the Prophet would always make the path to marriage easy. And when we start putting cultural expectations and requirements and I think we talked about culture in a previous episode that’s when we start seeing delays in marriage. That’s when we start seeing problems come up. And so remember, the conditions for a nikah are five. It’s what is it? Wali maher, bride and groom, uh, witnesses.

Speaker 1: 9:53
And proposal and acceptance proposal and acceptance, that’s it. So what do you mean with culture here? Why do you think culture hinders women from getting married?

Speaker 2: 10:02
so I think culture hinders that. So when I say culture, I also mean what? Whether it’s the culture we’ve from our parents right from back home, or the Western culture, which is getting education, get your career, things like that, those cultural expectations, and that is taking precedence over marriage.

Speaker 1: 10:22
So you think that parents are pushing their daughters not to pursue marriage before they’re educated?

Speaker 2: 10:28
I see that a lot in South asian families. A lot in south asian families I don’t know. At least when I was trying to get married, it there was a huge, a lot of pressure put on girls to finish their education first. Don’t let things compromise, I don’t. I’m sorry, don’t let, don’t compromise your education. And so there is that pressure that I’ve seen over and over again.

Speaker 1: 10:52
That’s so strange because in our culture, as Arabs, it’s the mother who’s always worried about her daughter. She’s getting old, she’s not getting married, and she starts going to weddings and all of that and sends her daughter to weddings dressed well, look nice and, inshallah, you’re going to find a husband.

Speaker 2: 11:12
And I don’t know, maybe maybe arabs.

Speaker 1: 11:15
Here in the west it’s different, but at least this is what I grew up like with. But no, I wasn’t pushed to go to weddings, because you could never pay me enough to attend a wedding.

Speaker 2: 11:27
You don’t like dressing up. No, I like staying in my.

Speaker 1: 11:32
PJs with I don’t know.

Speaker 2: 11:34
With your coffee.

Speaker 1: 11:36
I love coffee, jacob’s. Anyone’s listening who know Jacob’s coffee, they would understand what’s so great about it.

Speaker 2: 11:43
Yeah, tastes like dirt. Anyways, what is another reason girls are delaying marriage? Uh, maybe they are afraid I think the the fear factor is definitely there. I mean, there’s so many horror stories of people getting divorced and um you know, abusive relationships, um things like that, but and did we discuss um divorce in the previous episode?

Speaker 1: 12:08
okay um.

Speaker 2: 12:10
So anybody who heard that episode and would know that the number one reason for divorce isn’t all those those horror stories. It has nothing to do with all of that stuff abuse, neglect and things like that. It’s just simply incompatibility, and you can find a compatible spouse in your 20s. You don’t have to wait for that it does.

Speaker 2: 12:26
That doesn’t have to happen in your 30s. So again, we can’t stress this enough make marriage a priority. It’s not something that should come far down your checklist. You know once like okay, doctor, house and this more. So applies with guys and we’ll get to guys in another episode but it should be a number one priority yes, in your 20s.

Speaker 1: 12:50
Yeah, it should be. Your 20s are your biggest advantage and, believe me, after a certain age it becomes really hard. It’s really impossible but becomes really hard because, like guys are looking for younger girls and, like we said, we might come off as politically incorrect, as harsh. We don’t mean to insult anyone, I mean I. When we got married, zaid, I was over 30, 30 and few months so I guess I got lucky, but I wouldn’t advise anyone to take the same risk, right?

Speaker 2: 13:21
right. And to add to that, you know we’re living in an age where there are so many options and ways to get married. You know, if we were talking about the 70s or 80s, when there was no Internet, no apps, nothing like that, it’d be a different conversation. But now we got so many. You know, matchmakers are everywhere, matrimonial websites.

Speaker 1: 13:42
There are so many different halal avenues, so the excuses are very small yeah, now a lot of people might have a negative outlook on apps, and that is justified, and we’re gonna talk about matrimonial match making apps later, inshallah, in a separate episode yeah, but just generally speaking, just generally whatever you can do, take an initiative, be proactive, because it’s gonna take time to find that right person exactly.

Speaker 2: 14:09
Get involved with the masjid, get involved, put in the word with family and friends. Just continue putting the work, because you can’t put your faith in allah without also tying your camel too. They they go hand in hand exactly.

Speaker 1: 14:21
So this is uh for our ladies in this episode. In the next episode, inshallah, we’re going to discuss the reasons why guys delay marriage Because, even though we mentioned, a lot of guys are pursuing marriage in their early 20s, even at 19,. There are also a lot of guys who are choosing to delay marriage.

Speaker 2: 14:40
Yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:40
So we’re going to address that inshallah in the next episode. But let us know in the comments uh, why do you think uh ladies postpone marriage? Are we way off, or do you have other reasons you think they might be delaying marriage?

Speaker 2: 14:56
yeah, I’d love to read some comments about that we hope we didn’t um insult anyone or bore anyone, and till next episode, inshallah all right.