Episode 18: Hiba’s Five Mistakes

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host.

Speaker 1: 0:27
Hiba. Assalamu alaikum everyone.

Speaker 2: 0:30
So last episode we we dug deep into my past and. I shared a lot of mistakes I made and lessons I learned from that, and today is your turn. It’s my skeletons today coming out um, so I think I’m gonna learn a few things today, things I didn’t know because we we honestly didn’t even prepare much for this. The only conversation we had before this episode was that hiba, it’s your turn to share some things you learned, and that’s it. We’re on the mic now okay, let’s see what happens yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:04
So all right, let’s start with number one number one is definitely, uh, not being active, not being proactive at all. So, as I mentioned before in other episodes, I come from an arab background and to us, like there is nothing a girl can do, what? What can she do? Is she going to like post on the newspaper looking for a husband?

Speaker 2: 1:27
Although there’d be nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 1: 1:29
There wouldn’t be nothing wrong. Actually, I heard of a case a Sudanese girl in Sudan. She did that and she got tons of proposals, mashallah. And then, when she got married somebody who was so like happy with this idea, he sponsored the wedding. Wow.

Speaker 2: 1:47
Good for her.

Speaker 1: 1:47
Yeah, she got lots of criticism but also lots of encouragement, but regardless.

Speaker 2: 1:52
Because it goes against traditional norms. A hundred percent, yeah, a hundred percent.

Speaker 1: 1:56
But regardless in our culture, especially back home. Maybe here in the West it’s different, but back home you sit, you wait, you make dua, you attend weddings, parties, try to be seen and hope, like I said in our promo video, that somebody will notice you or somebody’s sister or mother and they would recommend you. But we don’t even have the beautiful practice in the Desi culture where the parents of the girl, they put out the word that our daughter is looking, if you know, of good recommendation and stuff. No, you don’t do that, nothing at all and uh like I’m sorry to interrupt, but mothers do go hunting at weddings right.

Speaker 1: 2:38
So, mothers of grooms, mothers of guys, okay yeah and um, actually just yesterday I had a conversation with a friend and she’s also been struggling in this department and she also didn’t know that there are options out there and uh yeah, so that was my mistake.

Speaker 2: 2:59
I didn’t know, I was completely clueless yeah, and that’s a friend living here in the west, by the way. Yeah, yeah, I was clueless. Yeah, and that’s a friend living here in the.

Speaker 1: 3:05
West, by the way. Yeah, yeah, I was clueless. And if it wasn’t for Allah’s Qadr to come across, half our deen on Google by Allah’s Qadr I had no idea. Again. I would probably still be single right now. I doubt that would probably still be single right now.

Speaker 1: 3:30
I doubt that, uh, but when I mentioned the other mistakes I did you will be certain that I would still be single okay, yeah all right, let’s move on to number two then uh, number two, that would be that uh, getting married young I as as hard, as like, as awful as it is. I always used to judge girls who get married young. In my neighborhood lots of girls got married like 18. There were there’s also twin sisters in my neighborhood. They got married at 17. And in our like back home in that country I lived in, it’s illegal to get married at 17. So they did like a nikah without registering the marriage and they had babies. They had children before they turned 18. So they had babies before the marriage was registered.

Speaker 2: 4:24
Wow, they didn’t get into any trouble with that?

Speaker 1: 4:29
no, no, oh, because I mean society.

Speaker 2: 4:31
There is pretty liberal yeah uh, no problem.

Speaker 1: 4:34
But, um, I used to judge girls who got married young, and part of it is legitimate, because lots of them they got married young because they were fascinated with the idea of, like, a wedding and honeymoon and wedding dress and all of that. They were naive and lots of these marriages ended up in divorce. Like I come from a small village and we have a high percentage of divorce, yeah, but regardless, I didn’t consider the idea of getting married young. And it’s not to say that I had proposals coming in when I was young and I rejected and all of that it didn’t happen. But if I got proposals when I was young, I would have rejected it.

Speaker 1: 5:20
And now I know better. Now I know how important getting married, like the Prophet peace be upon him he always encouraged young people. If you are capable, if you have the financial means to get married, if you are mentally, emotionally, physically capable of getting married, then get married as soon as you can, because it’s like it’s a shield, not a shield. It’s like it’s a shield, not a shield. It’s like a, a protection against the endless fitness we are going through right now right and it’s a beautiful thing.

Speaker 1: 5:52
Why delay it?

Speaker 2: 5:54
so just to summarize, the main reason you were judgmental of girls getting married young was because what they just you felt like they it’s just the wrong age, because girls are just immature because I felt they were naive, immature, because they wouldn’t know this person that they’re getting married to.

Speaker 1: 6:14
They would just like, oh, this family knows this family and he’s a good guy, she’s a good girl, let’s get them married and the girls would be fascinated with wedding. What is the expression?

Speaker 1: 6:27
like wedding celebrations and all of that I see and because these girls, they didn’t pursue any education and you know what a part of it I believe deep down, deep down, it was jealousy. I think I was jealous that girls who are much younger than me are getting proposals, they’re getting married and starting families and I wasn’t. So maybe that had a part of it.

Speaker 2: 6:57
Yeah, I guess that could be true. Yeah, um, okay, so let’s move on to number three number three would be lack of self-confidence.

Speaker 1: 7:09
I lacked self-confidence um why is? That I it could be because of my visual impairment and I didn’t think that somebody would be like I didn’t think I deserve someone good right and just to elaborate to people listening she’s not blind, she just uh, she has a medical condition you could tell yeah, so so I have a genetic problem, which is cataract, and it affects my vision, um, like big deal, but alhamdulillah I can manage.

Speaker 1: 7:44
I just today we did um 24 kilometer bike ride yeah, support for palestinian solidarity with palestine, but regardless, maybe because it’s also genetic that a lot of people uh feel hesitant to getting married to someone with a genetic problem and, um, I honestly didn’t think I deserve someone good and I didn’t know my self-worth and I just like I just wanted a good proposal, or, honestly, I just wanted a proposal. I I just wanted someone good to be interested in me. And because I lacked that self-confidence, I said yes to the first proposal that came my way, which turned out to be a big mistake. It was a failed engagement that failed after one year and which leads me to the next mistake I did which which was, which is ignoring red flags that were staring me in the eye.

Speaker 1: 8:50
Because of the lack of self-confidence, because I was afraid that no one else is going to be interested in me. So let’s just settle, and it cost me one year of my life that I’m not going to get back Right Of.

Speaker 2: 9:05
Of course, I learned a lot from that, but that was a huge mistake I did okay, you want to talk a little bit more about how that proposal came around and what the process was like sure.

Speaker 1: 9:19
So it was a work thing, we were colleagues and he approached me through a friend, a mutual friend, and came to our place. Actually, before he came to our place, we decided to spend like few hours in the university at a coffee shop, get to know each other a little bit, because there was no phone conversation, maybe one phone conversation before it, I I’m not sure. And if that went well, then he would come to my parents to meet them and all of that. And on the first date, in the beginning of that date, there was a huge red flag, but I decided to give the benefit of the doubt. You know what happened.

Speaker 2: 10:03
I remember this story, but go ahead and share it.

Speaker 1: 10:06
I can’t believe that happened. I can’t believe I ignored that. How naive was I. So he came to the university I was studying, and and um, uh, we went to get some coffee and some sweets or whatever. And then I’m like, oh no, let me pay for it. This is my university, you’re, you’re like, my guest. He didn’t hesitate. He did not hesitate, I ordered. I remember it to this day. I ordered coffee. He went, ordered coffee I think pastries or something, and whatever, and I paid for it.

Speaker 2: 10:43
He didn’t jump in, Well he kind of tried.

Speaker 1: 10:46
But when I said when I said, oh no, it’s my university and stuff, thinking that I’m just being polite, right, he’s a guy, he’s gonna, yeah, so that was a huge mistake ignoring red flags there were other red flags. Um, he was a cheap person, very, very, very materialistic. All his thinking was about how I can make more money, how I can make more money without connecting the money to a higher purpose, to something like money is mean, is a means, right. But when all you’re thinking about how can I make more money, then you end up with someone who’s just thinking day and night about money yeah and uh, again, because I lacked self-confidence, I thought, okay, something is better than nothing, right?

Speaker 1: 11:39
and uh, yeah, things happen, subhanallah, no regrets, no regrets.

Speaker 2: 11:45
But just looking back at that, I can’t believe how naive I was how did your parents um respond to the, to the engagement and then the engagement falling apart?

Speaker 1: 11:57
my mom didn’t like him from the beginning and he didn’t like my mom from the beginning. My mom is very perceptive and she saw something in him, I being the person who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. And no, it came out wrong. He didn’t mean this. No, I’m sure, and it’s good. Not in a pretty way, but things happen. And Alhamdulillah, allah, what is the word? Compensated.

Speaker 1: 12:37
Allah sent me someone much better. You know, I used to make dua all the time. I never despaired. I used to make dua and my duas were always custom made to the tea, like I’m not gonna share anything about my duas, but they weren’t like oh please, allah, bless me with a good spouse. Oh, allah, don’t let me be alone. All of that. No, they were very tailor-made and they came true to the tea amazing.

Speaker 2: 13:03
Yeah, all right, alhamdulillah to the T Amazing.

Speaker 1: 13:05
Yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:08
All right, let’s move on to the next one.

Speaker 1: 13:11
The next one would be questions asking the right questions.

Speaker 2: 13:16
Okay.

Speaker 1: 13:22
Yeah, which takes me back to that proposal, to that failed engagement. I didn’t know how to, I didn’t ask the right questions at all.

Speaker 1: 13:27
um so he proposed and you just said yes he proposed uh, we like we talked for a little bit, I don’t know, a week, two weeks, whatever it is, I can’t remember. Honestly, it was many years ago and I thought that he was a good person, no red flags that like, uh, he drinks, he. There was nothing of that kind. So, but I did not ask the right questions, the questions I would get me get to know, that, I would be able to get to know his personality, how he thinks, how these things came out later, after he, like we got comfortable knowing each other and all of that. He was a part of the family and all of that. Those things came later. But if I asked the right questions from the beginning, I would have been able to just see it and and this is why we at Halal Match, we’re so big on asking the right questions and paying attention to the answers and, yeah, scenario-based questions again, they are great. And yeah, those were my five mistakes.

Speaker 2: 14:49
Yeah, I feel like a lot of people can relate to the things you shared. Red flag, you know ignoring red flags, because I mean even guys, sometimes, you know you, you won’t get a proposal for a long time, at least talking from personal experience and then you get so emotionally wrapped up and the girl might be so pretty and and all these things might, might look so amazing and you’ll ignore red flags, naturally. So I feel like guys can also relate to this too, not just girls I think this is uh.

Speaker 1: 15:23
This relates to the mistake you mentioned last episode that you didn’t end a courtship early when you knew that this is a wrong person for you.

Speaker 2: 15:33
Yeah.

Speaker 1: 15:33
Yeah. So I kind of did the same Part of it was fear. What would people say? Like nobody else would come along. Better Something than nothing, some of all of that, yeah and yeah so.

Speaker 2: 15:49
Those are the same fears running through my mind when I dragged on that courtship for too long really yeah subhanallah am I gonna find somebody else? Um, is you know? Am I making the right choice? Um, yeah, these that. And then it goes back to vulnerability and courage. Right, just having the courage to know when to step away and putting your faith in Allah 100%, 100%.

Speaker 1: 16:17
If any of the girls listening relates to any of these mistakes, then hear it from your sister. You are worth a lot. You don’t have to settle for someone who’s not good for you. You shouldn’t settle for someone who you know is not good for you. Allah is capable of everything. Keep making dua, do not despair, and inshallah, you will find your charming prince.

Speaker 2: 16:44
Inshallah, inshallah Till next time. Till next time, assalamualaikum, assalamualaikum.