Episode 22: This Was My Mahr

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba. Assalamu alaikum. So by now you guys know our story how we met, what the details were, how conversations went between us.

Speaker 1: 0:35
I think people are sick of our story.

Speaker 2: 0:37
Yeah, the one thing that we kind of left out was meher, uh, and what our conversations were like about that. And um, I remember I was a bit surprised when I found out about your meher request. I thought it was maybe a little too much a little burdensome.

Speaker 1: 0:57
I asked for a mansion. I asked for what else uh, a lamborghini. Lamborghini, of course, come on like what girl doesn’t get a lamborghini for?

Speaker 2: 1:07
her. But what was your mahar?

Speaker 1: 1:11
so my mahar actually was wedding ring and I promised to go to hajj, to take me to hajj and, as a disclaimer, this is not not my own idea. When I was on hod, I used to receive like a newsletter with some success stories and stuff and one story stood out and this girl was just talking about how she met her now husband and all of that and she mentioned this idea as a maher. This was her maher and ever since I saw it I’m like I love this. If I ever want, if I ever get married, I want this to be my mahr.

Speaker 2: 1:48
Wow, yeah, I remember when I got that it was just another indicator for me that Allah was making the process and path to marriage easy for me. Alhamdulillah, we already had a ring in the family, so it wasn’t too difficult to meet that requirement. And Hajj it was a mutual understanding that, inshallah, at some point when I’m financially able to, I will take you on Hajj, and so it was beautiful that not only was the mahr easy, but everything else was just smooth and had no burden with it at all.

Speaker 2: 2:31
And. But when I look around and and I talk to people getting married at least back then, when a lot of my friends were getting married I’d hear some pretty crazy stories. I don’t know what the stories are like in the Middle East and what the norm is. Oh, I’ll tell you later, yeah but I’d hear numbers from 20,000 all the way up to 50,000. Wow, and sometimes the extra component of having a house before you get married, having a house, yes, wow. But what is it like in the middle east?

Speaker 1: 3:06
well, in the middle east it’s mostly measured by a golden lira, so it’s like a golden coin and, um, I don’t know like people ask for 50 golden liras, 100 golden liras, and it’s expensive, like I don’t know exactly how much it’s worth, but it’s expensive.

Speaker 1: 3:26
So you might be talking about 20, 30 000 as well usd wow yeah oh, and we have something else in the middle east that I don’t know if you guys haven’t and the gold. So, besides paying maher, the groom has to go with his fiance and her mom and his mom. They go to a jeweler and the girl, like, picks some golden jewelry.

Speaker 2: 3:51
And I think there’s something like that in the Desi culture.

Speaker 1: 3:53
And it’s not included in the mahr, like we’re talking about buying gold that’s on top of the mahr, on top of the mahr, oh, wow, yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:01
That’s pretty crazy yeah it is.

Speaker 1: 4:08
It’s like, hey, let’s find a way to make the marriage a bigger burden. And then on the wedding day, like the groom’s family, would put all these jewelry on the girl and, like all the attendees, the guests would see how much gold they bought for her and, like it’s crazy, it has nothing to do with islam yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:26
So that begs my, or segues to my, next question, which is what is the islamic requirement of a mahar?

Speaker 1: 4:32
so, before that, what is mahar actually? What’s the purpose of mahar right? So of course everybody knows. Mahar, which means dowry, is um requirement for a valid nikah right, it’s, it’s one of the conditions.

Speaker 2: 4:44
Yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:44
And it has to be monetary. So you can’t say my mahr for you is my love or my devotion or right. It has to be something you can sell.

Speaker 2: 4:56
But how can you sell a hajj?

Speaker 1: 4:58
So you don’t sell sorry, you don’t sell a hajj, but in order to do the hajj you have to pay.

Speaker 2: 5:04
So it has a monetary value, right.

Speaker 1: 5:08
Now, in terms of what is the purpose of Maher? It is simply a gift, a gift to the wife to show your appreciation to her and how much you value her right. Now to a girl it’s a gift, but to a guy it’s a requirement, it’s not a gift. I’ll give it. No, maybe I won’t.

Speaker 2: 5:27
So it’s a mandatory gift. It’s a mandatory gift exactly.

Speaker 1: 5:29
But why do I say it’s a gift To remove all the misconceptions out there, especially in the Middle East? I don’t know about you guys, desis, but in the Middle East there are a lot of misconceptions about maher that, um, maher is actually a safety net, so insurance plan. If he thinks about leaving you in the future, he’ll be tied by maher. If he thinks about uh, I don’t know cheating on you, then he’ll be tied by maher. So if he thinks about divorcing you, he won’t, because then he has to pay the mahr, which leads to another misconception that says you only pay the mahr if divorce happens.

Speaker 2: 6:11
That’s not true? I didn’t know about this maher is a debt.

Speaker 1: 6:15
It’s a debt, you have to pay it and at one point or another upon the guy of course, yeah, so inshallah, the marriage is happy, you have many happy years together. Divorce doesn’t happen in your lifetime. You have to pay maher, whatever, at whatever arrangement you and your wife agree. Maybe it’s a monthly payment, maybe it’s uh, I don’t know, whatever it is. And if the guy dies and he hasn’t paid his maher to his wife before his will, before his inheritance is divided, you have to pay.

Speaker 1: 6:47
He has to pay his debts, his loans, and one of these loans and debts is maher okay to his wife.

Speaker 2: 6:55
Soless to say it’s a pretty serious matter.

Speaker 1: 6:57
Exactly so when people, like some people, come up with these crazy numbers thinking that, oh, we’re never going to pay it, they’re not getting divorced, so let’s just say I don’t know $500,000. They don’t realize he has to pay that amount whatever they agree on.

Speaker 2: 7:14
And then one more thing he has to pay that amount, whatever they agree on.

Speaker 1: 7:20
and then one more thing, the wife has the option of waving them right, yeah, that’s up to her, that’s after. Uh, they agreed yeah just like any um any person who’s um like uh has somebody owes him money, he, he can just forgive it.

Speaker 2: 7:34
Okay, yeah, okay.

Speaker 1: 7:35
And the maher goes to the wife, it doesn’t go to the girl’s father. Some people think that, oh, I’m like buying your daughter, so, or I’m selling that happens in the Middle East. I think maybe in remote areas. So some fathers they use that like they abuse that their wilaya on their daughter and they ask for crazy amounts and they take that money.

Speaker 2: 7:59
That’s sad.

Speaker 1: 8:01
That’s haram. That’s sad, that’s despicable, yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:08
So that’s an interesting point you made, because it shows the flexibility of mahr. It doesn’t necessarily have to be cash value.

Speaker 2: 8:13
But like said there has to be as a monetary value.

Speaker 2: 8:16
So, um, there’s actually many examples in the seerah of the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and I’m going to preface this point with the fact that these, these examples I’m about to give, they were under extreme situations, um, that there were sahabas that would come to the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam saying that I’m interested in such and such person for the purpose of marriage, and he would ask them okay, what do you have as mahr?

Speaker 2: 8:44
And the sahabas would say, well, I don’t have this, I’m a very poor person. And he would keep pushing to say and keep asking do you have this, do you have that, do you have this? Until he finally got to a point and asked him do you have this, do you have that, do you have this? Until he finally got to a point and asked him do you at least know some verses of the Quran? And he said, okay, that can meet the requirements of a mahr and you can go teach your future wife some verses of the Quran. So, obviously, living in the West, most likely you’re a bit more well-off, you’re not that poor, even in the East.

Speaker 2: 9:14
I mean nobody’s that poor these days right, um, and the point of the story is that it shows the flexibility of mahar right that even some verses of the quran can be sufficient, because the goal of the of the sunnah is to make the path of marriage easy. So, whether it’s some verses of the quran or it’s a hajj package, as long as the, the wife agrees to it, then it meets the requirement right yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:43
So there is no minimum and there is no maximum to her and, like you said, the purpose of the mahr isn’t to make the marriage difficult and like add a burden, it’s a, it’s just a gift, it’s a gift. So, like you, you don’t have to ask for, I don’t know, a kit kat bar. Say your love is enough, but also don’t ask for crazy amounts. That would hinder the marriage from happening right.

Speaker 2: 10:10
I mean, at the end of the day, you have to look at what his occupation is. You know, if he’s a teacher and you’re asking for, you know, an expensive car or a trip to the maldives, then you know you’re setting yourself up to break off this future marriage. Um, so don’t make the the mahr a burden. Um, there is a hadith that reminds us to to make the mahr less Burdensome.

Speaker 1: 10:38
The Prophet said, the most blessed of marriages Are the least burdensome. The least burdensome In terms of everything that covers A marriage, a wedding, from mahr, from furniture, from the Celebration celebration itself, the walima, all of that.

Speaker 2: 10:59
So there is beauty in simplicity yeah, we ask about mahar on our registration form too uh, yeah, we ask the girls yeah, what are your expectations for a mother? And we see a wide range from monetary value, like an actual cash value, to Islamic training, to Hajj, and it just provides more insight as to the kind of flexibility and expectations that a girl has.

Speaker 2: 11:29
And we reveal those details to the potential match and it helps them decide whether, whether or not they want to move forward surprisingly enough, a lot of girls are only expecting a more.

Speaker 1: 11:41
Um, uh, what is it called spiritual equivalent?

Speaker 2: 11:47
spiritual okay.

Speaker 1: 11:48
Surprisingly enough, a lot of girls, uh, do ask for spiritual equivalence, which is also monetary, like we said, islamic training or hajj or something. Minority, I think. Um, I’ve only seen like one case or two cases of girls asking for 20 000 or more, but the majority of them range between monetary 10 000 or less or spiritual equivalence, which is great. Some ask for an asset that’s great.

Speaker 2: 12:18
So when we were preparing for this episode, um, we were listening to a beautiful story, um, and everybody knows that the prophet’s daughter, fatima, married ali and not many people, as far as I know, know the details of this story and how the marriage happened. So the Prophet declined a lot of people, a lot of prominent Sahabas for Fatima that include Abu Bakr Omar, because he had his eyes set on Ali. So when Ali came to propose, he was very shy at first and it took some time. And when the Prophet figured out that he was interested, he of course asked what do you have as mahr? And Ali said, well, I’m a very poor person, I don’t have much.

Speaker 2: 13:11
Until the Prophet said, okay, what about that shield? And Ali said, well, this is only worth four dirhams. And he said, okay. The Prophet said, okay, go ahead and sell that in the market and bring that back to use as a mahr. So he went to the marketplace and, of course, uthman ra, who was there, his future brother-in-law and he saw him, and Uthman was known to be a very generous, pious person, and so he saw that shield and he said, okay, how much is that worth? And Ali said, well, four dirhams. Uthman gave him not only 400 dirhams for that shield, but he took the shield and returned it back to him and he said keep this.

Speaker 1: 13:58
This is your wedding gift.

Speaker 2: 13:59
This is your wedding gift. So, ali being ecstatic, he returns to the Prophet and he sells a few things in his home and he collects about 480 dirham and comes to the Prophet and presents that as a mahr. And the Prophet said keep this and use it to buy some furniture, some perfume and use it to prepare for the wedding. And meanwhile, of course, the Prophet speaks to Fatima and gets her consent and the whole wedding moved forward, of course, and the mahr was only 480 dirhams.

Speaker 1: 14:39
Yeah, subhanallah.

Speaker 2: 14:40
SubhanAllah. And the part that I forgot to mention was that the whole community also rallied together to help prepare for this wedding, whether it was buying perfume, furniture, other things.

Speaker 1: 14:55
So Bilal helped him pick some perfumes for Fatima, radiallahu anha, umm Salama, I think, helped with furnishing the house, some helped with the walima, and it was a beautiful, simple and most blessed wedding ever.

Speaker 2: 15:10
Yeah so the point of the story and the reason we bring up our own mahar is because there is beauty and simplicity right there. And there’s a reason why the prophet said that hadith and why it resonates so well Because truly, we can see it in our own personal lives. We can see it throughout the seerah that the less burdensome you can make the marriage, the more barakah and beauty there is in it. Yeah, subhanAllah.

Speaker 1: 15:38
So if you are looking to get married maybe you are in the process, process you are looking. What you can do is educate yourself. If you’re a guy or if you’re a girl, same thing. Educate yourself a little bit about the mahar, the requirements, the purpose of the mahar, all the arrangements that come with that, and so when the marriage inshallah happens, happens, you have all that education all that knowledge.

Speaker 2: 16:07
There is one thing I forgot to ask you about. There’s also something called mahr mithl. Do you want to talk a little bit about that?

Speaker 1: 16:14
Sure. So mahr mithl means similar mahr, which means like what is acceptable mahr to pay for a girl.

Speaker 1: 16:23
It’s the similar mahr that is acceptable in that community in that area. So if most of the girls in that area their mahr is $5,000, let’s say so. Your mahr should be around this number. But this is not like a hukum shar’i, it’s not like mentioned in the quran or the sunnah. This is more like a cultural understanding. So you can go over above, you can go less. It’s just like a rough estimate okay, something to keep in mind.

Speaker 2: 17:01
All right, inshallah, this, uh, hopefully this will help you guys in your preparation for marriage if you’re still single, um, and we’d, as always, love to get your feedback and, uh, let us know what you think about um you know your ideas about mahar and uh and your thoughts yeah, if you learned anything new in this episode, do review this podcast.

Speaker 1: 17:24
Give us some stars Five would be nice, I don’t mind, okay. And we’ll see you next week, inshallah.

Speaker 2: 17:32
Alrighty, take care. Assalamu alaikum.