Episode 23: Love Beyond Borders: Why You Should Consider LDR

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in Bismillah.

Speaker 1: 0:18
Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. My name is Hiba and on the other mic is my laughing husband, zaid. We’ve been trying to record this episode seven times now. For some reason, we end up laughing. But good laugh never hurts. So yeah, we’ve shared our story multiple times. By now. I think you guys are sick of our story, but the part that we usually don’t elaborate on is the period where we ended up being apart for 14 months. No, we didn’t have a fight. Our mothers didn’t have a fight, none of that. But we had our. We had our nikah, you tell it yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:00
So we had our nikah and within a few days we had to part ways. She came, hiba came back to Jordan to finish her education. I returned to Canada and we planned a nice wedding in Palestine, but unfortunately, covid happened a few months later and, as a result, we had to live apart for 14 months. So this episode is dedicated to the things we learned during that time apart, how we survived, how we made things work and hopefully, through our story and through some of the things that we’re going to share, you guys will benefit and maybe even change your mind about considering a long-distance relationship. The reason we’re doing this episode is because we see through our service.

Speaker 2: 1:48
Many times people create and put restrictions upon themselves, and one of those restrictions are, or is, long distance, that they prefer to meet somebody that’s close by, in the same city or within the same province. And I can see why, because, of course, you want to see the person face to face, how they are, what their manners are like and things of that nature, and so there is some value in that. But at the same time, we have to recognize that we’re a minority in this country, both in Canada and the US, and the more we keep our options open, the easier the path to marriage, inshallah, will be. So the thing to point out is that when you look at America or Canada as a whole, you know the culture isn’t that much different when you go from the east to the west, right, and so you can find somebody that has the same values, that has the same way of thinking, and all of those things while living in the same country.

Speaker 1: 2:58
Exactly Like we’re not saying marry someone from back home or from the other side of the world, even though there is nothing wrong with that. We did that but at least open your options to somebody from a different province or a different state, or not exactly in your city right, so let’s focus on us two now.

Speaker 2: 3:18
On paper I’ve said this in workshops before on paper, our marriage shouldn’t have worked right you spoke arabic as a first language, I spoke english, um, and then the list goes on right, you’re from the middle east, I’m from the west, etc. Etc. And yet we didn’t let those things. More importantly, we didn’t let geographical location be a hindrance for us right because we saw that our values matched.

Speaker 2: 3:45
Not just our values, our goals, our expectations, the important things matched. And we thought and we realized that, okay, there is the problem with geographical location, but alhamdulillah, allah made it work because geographical location, the way I see it, it’s just a circumstance.

Speaker 1: 4:01
It’s a a passing circumstance. It’s not going to be there forever, right.

Speaker 2: 4:05
Right.

Speaker 1: 4:06
Yeah, so it’s not a value.

Speaker 2: 4:08
Exactly, and you can’t have every checkbox on your list.

Speaker 1: 4:14
But why do people want to restrict themselves to the same geographical location? You think?

Speaker 2: 4:23
I think it’s fear. I think it’s I can somewhat get it on the girl’s side, because they have to give up a lot. You know, moving in with a complete stranger, probably moving away from family, Like with you, for example you don’t have any. You don’t know anybody here, right? So you are moving away from all your cousins and your parents and your sister, and so there was a huge compromise on your end, so there’s a lot of fear associated with that.

Speaker 1: 4:49
But a lot of times it’s the guy who’s not open, even though the girl is gonna move in with him. The guy is not open to a long distance relationship, even though it’s gonna be only temporarily right, like we’ve seen it with multiple clients.

Speaker 1: 5:02
I think it’s like there is a risk factor and for some reason people think the further the person is from me, the more the risk there is yeah, yeah, I think like if I’m marrying somebody who lives in mississauga and I live in toronto, there’s not a huge risk, but if she’s living in, I don’t know bc edmonton, then there’s a bigger risk and it doesn’t make any sense.

Speaker 2: 5:27
It’s not just risk. I think people are just so used to comfort and convenience now I think it’s the convenience factor. Like oh my god, I have to fly to bc to meet this girl, or a girl in bc. Like oh my god, I have to fly to miss saga. Such an expensive flight. How am I going to make this work?

Speaker 1: 5:45
like, come on, guys, we got whatsapp video, we got skype, we got, yeah, we got every technological means in the book I think it’s not the flying part, like people are willing to do that. People love to travel, but the fact that they have to get to know each other is through technology and not face to face right, yeah, like you said we’re so accustomed to convenience and comfort. We have uber just a click away. We order food door dash. We are like everything you don’t. You don’t even have to go to the cinema, you have netflix yeah, like guys, we talked.

Speaker 2: 6:25
So we first started talking around the first week of november and we literally like, actually it was november 11th, so it was the second week okay, second week of november, sorry, um, and our communication, our like recording phase was primarily through skype yeah and we literally, like we literally met face to face for the first time on a tuesday in december.

Speaker 2: 6:53
We had our nikah saturday in my uncle’s basement yeah so when you, when you look at how we made it now I’m not saying we’re the golden example of how a marriage not at all, but if we can make it work, you guys can make it, and, and it’s not like we’re not an exception.

Speaker 1: 7:08
I know many people who actually got married through long distance relationship for starters, your brother, work, you guys can make it and and it’s not like we’re not an exception I know many people who actually got married through long distance relationship for starters, your brother yeah, yeah, yeah, my brother got married to a girl in pakistan and, um, you know, I think he he met her once, uh, with the in, with my mom present, um prior to marrying her and um, and that was it.

Speaker 2: 7:33
And then they got married in pakistan. Immigration took forever, it took over a year. They lived apart, um, he did go meet her once. So I mean the. The point is is that most of their relationship was long distance.

Speaker 1: 7:46
My cousin as well. He got married over long distance relationship. Um, who else I have a friend as well? He got married over a long distance relationship. Who else I have a friend as well? She was in Saudi, he was in the States, so it’s not an exception. Many people make it work, but is it for everyone? Well, if you have trust issues, then maybe this is not for you, but, on the other hand, if you have trust issues, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship altogether right.

Speaker 2: 8:12
Our goal here, through this episode and through our story, is to just make the path to marriage easy for you guys so the less restrictions you have, the more flexible you are, the easier the path will be, inshallah inshallah.

Speaker 1: 8:24
So there are actually practical things you can do. Let’s say you find yourself in a long distance relationship. There are ways to make it work and not let it be boring, and the first thing is lay down some ground rules. So, for example, if you’re just starting to get to know each other you didn’t have your neck eye yet then a good ground rule would be to set a time where you don’t talk past um, she’s like you’re still strangers, so maybe you shouldn’t talk past midnight, right?

Speaker 2: 8:58
yeah, I would say before that maybe nine or ten pm, yeah, so something that you both are comfortable with.

Speaker 1: 9:03
Yeah, of course, you gotta keep the conversations appropriate, uh, in line with um islam.

Speaker 2: 9:10
Um, that’s very important number two dedicate time for each other that’s a no-brainer, that’s a no-brainer, I mean. The only reason we survived for 14 months was because we talked every day yeah yeah, um and um, you know, and whether it was just a simple check-in.

Speaker 2: 9:27
I mean, we’ll talk about some activities and stuff that we did, but yeah, you gotta make time for each other. I mean, it’s don’t think that oh yeah, we talked about this before. Don’t think that you, since you got your, you had your nikah and you’re locked in, that’s it. I got nothing to worry about. You know, she’s my wife, he’s my husband and everything’s taken care of you know, this is where it’s first.

Speaker 1: 9:49
This is where you need to keep adding fuel to the fire right, keep that that desire burning for each other, exactly yeah yeah, but at the same time, some people think that because we’re not like in each other’s presence, then we have to make up for that with even more time on the phone, and that’s not good. So if you don’t have something to say, just don’t talk. Don’t talk for the for just the sake of and spending time, because if you have nothing to say, you’re going to say the wrong thing or you’re just going to end up being bored of each other. So dedicate some time for yourself as well. Take care of yourself. Your life now doesn’t just revolve around this long distance relationship. It’s a part of your life, but it’s not your entire life. So go to the gym, go out with your friends, whether you’re a guy or a girl, uh, dedicate time to your family, uh, to your health, to your dean and uh inshallah, when the circumstances are better, you’re gonna be able to reunite soon, inshallah um next one yeah, plan creative dates.

Speaker 1: 10:57
Um talking is nice, texting is nice, but you can make it spice it up a little bit yeah you can cook together um like share recipes share recipes.

Speaker 2: 11:09
You can watch a movie together, watch a show together um, I remember, while we were apart, I was reciting Quran to you yeah, me too as well.

Speaker 1: 11:19
We were testing each other’s haves. Yeah, you can watch duroos together lectures.

Speaker 2: 11:27
There are million and one things to do together yeah, we were watching a lot of bayina videos, you can if you are in video games, you can do that together.

Speaker 1: 11:37
You can use this time actually to instead of just talking about how was your day and all of that. You can get that together. Uh, you can use this time actually to instead of just talking about how was your day and all of that, you can get to know each other.

Speaker 2: 11:44
You can ask each other the important questions like this is the time for you to assess compatibility right yeah, we have a great book, an e-book, with like seven activities um that you can use to assess.

Speaker 1: 11:58
Yeah, they can be played in person or in a virtual setting, and it’s available on our website the Comparability Challenge.

Speaker 2: 12:07
Lean on your support system. Yeah, exactly, your brothers, sisters, your immediate family.

Speaker 1: 12:13
Yeah, there are going to be some lonely times, some dark times, when you feel like this is just too hard to handle. So in those times, lean on your support system. Just talk to your friend, to your best friend, to your family. Just express how you feel.

Speaker 1: 12:28
Just talking about it will make you feel better yeah and the last one is work on some projects together and maybe decorating your future home, buying some furniture online, planning a honeymoon. Like when we were talking, we actually spent quite a lot of time discussing our business, our business ideas.

Speaker 2: 12:50
And we spent a lot of time on Kijiji and Facebook Marketplace buying stuff for the apartment. Exactly yeah but that was fun, like we saved a bunch of money. I remember you would send me an ad for like a dinner table. I would work for the apartment. I’d be going out to buy that or buying like spice jars and stuff like that, like 90 of our furniture and, like everything we own, is secondhand yeah we enjoy it, but uh, find projects to do together.

Speaker 1: 13:17
It’s, uh, it’s gonna be so much fun. It’s gonna be so much fun. It’s gonna bring you closer to each other as well and make dua make lots of dua. Make lots of dua in most cases, you will have a date in mind where you will like, where you’re planning to meet and to get together. In our case, it wasn’t like this. We had multiple dates in mind. We had a wedding date in mind, we booked the venue but because of COVID, every time it got pushed, it got pushed. The wedding got canceled twice.

Speaker 2: 13:48
They pushed it from July to August and then August it got canceled.

Speaker 1: 13:52
Exactly and, subhanallah, by the time we met, it was like just two days before that met, it was like just two days before that. Uh, I got like authorization to fly because they were only giving um a small number of authorizations for people to fly from that airport, so in most cases it’s gonna be easier. Uh, if you think you can make it work, then keep your option options open.

Speaker 2: 14:17
Um, keep an open mind and you never know, maybe your um soulmate lives a province away yeah, all right, inshallah, uh, we hope that, uh, after listening to this episode, you guys keep an open mind. You don’t let a geographical location be a hindrance. Uh, remember, the most important thing are values, goals, expectations and um, and you know things like, like geographical location, um is a compromise that you know you guys can figure out, uh, the same way we figured it out, alhamdulillah. So, um, yeah, keep an open mind and until next time okay, assalamu alaikum.