Episode 35:The Illusion Of Options

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba.

Speaker 1: 0:26
As-salamu alaykum.

Speaker 2: 0:27
So, needless to say, there are an abundance of options when it comes to marriage. We have matchmakers, obviously we are matchmakers. There are websites, there are matrimonial events, there are rishtantis, which is just another word for matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:43
There are apps, WhatsApp groups, Facebook groups.

Speaker 2: 0:47
The list is endless. Yet we still have people struggling, people depressed people, burned out, people approaching their mid-30s to 40s not having any luck getting married. And so let’s talk about why.

Speaker 1: 1:03
Yeah, you’d assume that with more options it’ll be easier to find a spouse, right?

Speaker 2: 1:08
Yeah, but yet the problem is getting worse and worse. I’d argue to say it’s probably gotten even 10 times more difficult than it has since our parents’ generation Right.

Speaker 1: 1:19
For sure.

Speaker 2: 1:20
So I’ll throw an analogy at you and see if you can maybe find a correlation between this analogy and the problem that we’re having with marriage.

Speaker 1: 1:28
Go ahead.

Speaker 2: 1:29
So we go to Walmart, let’s say we’re at a toothpaste. We go to the toothpaste section and the first thing we see is Aquafresh Colgate. I don’t know the other brands.

Speaker 1: 1:41
By the way, Colgate is on the BDS list.

Speaker 2: 1:43
Yes, don’t buy Colgate. I don’t know about Aqu brands. Oh, by the way, colgate is on the BDS list.

Speaker 1: 1:46
Yes, don’t buy Colgate, I don’t know about.

Speaker 2: 1:47
Aquafresh, but regardless, I think so as well. So there are an abundance of different types of toothpaste, shelves upon shelves, upon shelves, and sometimes we’ll spend up to 10 minutes trying to find the right toothpaste. And we finally get the toothpaste and we go home and we’re happy. And we finally get to toothpaste, and we go home and we’re happy. And yet what we’re seeing is that, despite the abundance of options when it comes to toothpaste, people still have dental problems. People are still having tooth decay, root canals, all sorts of problems. And so is there a correlation between that analogy and this, where I’m a bit, a bit far off?

Speaker 1: 2:29
well, I hope listeners don’t think we’re referring to them as toothpaste so is there a correlation uh, yeah, I think so how so? So there are different reasons why somebody, why somebody would buy toothpaste and then not benefit from it? Maybe they just don’t know how to use it?

Speaker 2: 2:50
Okay.

Speaker 1: 2:50
Okay, maybe they don’t know how to use it properly, maybe they buy it and don’t use it actually, and maybe they can’t afford to buy it. They see the options, but they can’t afford to buy the toothpaste.

Speaker 2: 3:12
Okay, fair enough, so let’s tackle them one by one um, lack of education. That’s one of the points that you were saying, right, yeah, um, so can you expand about on that a bit? What do you mean?

Speaker 1: 3:19
so if we go back to talking about uh options when it comes to uh matchmaking, um, lack of understanding how to use the apps, or actually let’s go before that some people don’t know there are options, there are great options, but they don’t know about them. So that’s the first problem. Actually, that was me before we got married right, we it’s like I said before.

Speaker 2: 3:44
We treat, uh the search for marriage as kind of a passive easy. Well, it should be easy, but more of a passive endeavor rather than an active endeavor.

Speaker 1: 3:53
Yeah, but simply people don’t know. Some people don’t know there are options, right, uh, second of all, if some people they do know there are options, but they don’t know how to use them, maybe some people are on apps or websites but they don’t know how to create a profile that will attract people. They don’t know how to approach people and they end up not getting the full benefit of the app or the website.

Speaker 2: 4:17
Okay, that’s true. Unaffordability is also another one.

Speaker 1: 4:23
Unaffordability. Yeah, I think most of the apps are very affordable okay and I’m not saying go for the apps or don’t go for the apps.

Speaker 2: 4:31
I’m just stating the fact.

Speaker 1: 4:34
I think apps are affordable, but maybe matchmakers personal matchmakers are not that affordable for everyone. So that too, I’d like to believe that we at halal match, we are in the middle between affordability and between fair compensation for our time yeah, yeah, I think so too yeah so affordability um what else?

Speaker 2: 4:58
the bigger question is does an abundance of options make things harder or simpler for people? And it’s clear that it’s making things harder. It’s just overwhelming because people are unable especially in busy times like this, they’re just unable to filter out what is conducive for marriage and what isn’t. I mean, let’s take matrimonial websites, for example. There are so many matrimonial websites out there, a lot of which are just public directories. Right, you just post an app and you see somebody’s it could be an AI profile, it could be like somebody from Timbuktu. There’s no privacy, there’s no profile assessment or compatibility assessment, personality assessment there’s nothing like that and you’re seeing everybody of the same gender as well as the opposite gender.

Speaker 1: 5:53
So it’s a big joke. We don’t want to scare you too much, but there are a lot of married people on the apps and the websites. A lot of married people, a lot of creepy people who are just looking to have fun. They’re not serious about marriage, so just be aware of that. You know, what I also think is contributing to that?

Speaker 2: 6:17
What.

Speaker 1: 6:17
It’s because, uh, we are achieving a lot, like, compared to, I don’t know, our parents generation, this generation, mashallah, they’re achieving a lot education wise, career wise, especially more so women than men, both of them honestly both of them are achieving a lot which is something great and amazing yes but um at the same time, our expectations and our demands, our criteria, is going up. It’s going up so much now that it’s hard to find somebody who meets that criteria.

Speaker 2: 6:51
Right Now the question somebody listening would say well, isn’t that deservedly so Like? If a person is achieving so much, shouldn’t they be searching for a spouse that also kind of meets that criteria?

Speaker 1: 7:09
So there is a difference between your needs and your wants, a difference between necessities and luxuries, and a lot of times, because we’ve achieved so much, we think that now I’m deserving, I’m entitled to somebody who has even more. And a lot of these things are not necessities.

Speaker 1: 7:31
For example, I don’t know they should be living in a specific neighborhood, driving a certain car, earning a certain number, looking a certain way, earning a certain number, looking a certain way. So all these things we’re adding, they’re just making it so difficult to find somebody, even though there are a lot of options, a lot of great options. But we’re looking for a needle in a haystack.

Speaker 2: 7:56
So, to piggyback off what you were saying, I feel that people are conflating two things societal achievements and accolades with qualifications of a spouse. Right that whether you know what you achieve in society, career-wise or income, isn’t necessarily indicative of a suitable spouse. So they could be an engineer, lawyer, whatever they might be, they could be a business owner, they could be earning six figures, but they might not have the qualities of leadership, maturity, financial responsibility, these important qualities that girls are especially looking for in a husband. So when we talk about criteria becoming extreme, yeah, it has become extreme, because I feel people are conflating the two things.

Speaker 1: 8:52
Yeah, right, yeah, I agree with you. And also because there are so many options, I think people don’t feel the urgency to start looking and put in the effort. So, like you said, they’re taking a more passive approach. And, yeah, I have whenever I’m ready, I’ll find the right person. There are a million places to look and when reality is very different, because with time, your options become much, much, much narrower.

Speaker 2: 9:20
So another reason why too many options is a bad thing is because people are not making time for the right option. So you have a thousand different options and within that thousand maybe there are just a hundred good ones that are really worth investing your time in. And because people are spreading themselves so thin, uh, trying ever putting their hats in in their time into different buckets. They think they’re going to get results, but the reality is they’re just burning out right so the important thing is investing your time in the right options.

Speaker 2: 9:55
You want to get the best toothpaste and not the not. Not get 10 different toothpaste, thinking okay, one of them is going to work and fix my teeth, when, in fact, if you just get the right one or the right two, you’ll get the right results. Is that a good analogy? Yeah, okay, good.

Speaker 1: 10:11
Also, when there are so many options, it’s hard not to compare. So you’re looking at five profiles of different girls and you’re comparing oh, this one has the best education, but this one is taller, but this one is thinner, but this one I don’t know is more beautiful. So we’re treating people not as human beings, like they come as a whole.

Speaker 2: 10:33
We’re treating people as Like Amazon products.

Speaker 1: 10:36
Amazon products, reading reviews and comparing. So that’s one thing. Also, there is a level of fear of missing out. What if I say yes to this person, I settle, and then I’m missing out on probably someone better, someone who is I don’t know, makes more income, someone more educated. Maybe I’m missing out on someone who’s more handsome. So you know what? Let me keep looking. Somebody better will come along.

Speaker 2: 11:04
Yeah, fomo definitely plays a part, and it’s no wonder that our parents had a much easier time because they didn’t have a hundred different girls or guys to pick from.

Speaker 1: 11:12
It was this or this. Choose from Exactly.

Speaker 2: 11:15
And the people knew there would be a degree of compromise coming into it. And that’s also another factor that comes into play, that when you have an abundance of options then you are less willing to compromise. Because hey, I got option B if a doesn’t work out. Yeah right. So the list goes on and on. As to why you know too many options is hurting us, um but I do agree with you our parents had it much easier.

Speaker 1: 11:41
Now the question is were they happy with their choices they made? Or no like do they uh wish they had more options and they ended up with someone better?

Speaker 2: 11:55
I don’t know. That’s something we gotta ask our parents, so it’s not about, like it’s about the quality, not about the quantity. Right, yes, true, um, but the truth remains that our parents were at least more willing to make it work right, that they were more willing to compromise not compromise on, you know, being depressed or you know, compromise on their happiness, I mean, but they were more willing to make it work.

Speaker 2: 12:23
Also, when it comes to too many options, it turns into window shopping, all right, or people just looking to have fun.

Speaker 2: 12:31
So everybody knows what window shopping is. But I see there’s something on the whatsapp groups and the crazy thing is that what I’m seeing more and more now is that parents are doing a lot of window shopping, more so than people looking to get, more so than their children. And because I’m on this one WhatsApp group and mashallah, this brother is very well connected is constantly posting these bio-datas. So sometimes I reach out to these parents because then the phone number of the parents are on the profiles and I say you know, we’re professional matchmakers, we have some potential matches that could work for you, and all they want to know is the bio data of the person I have and pictures, right, they don’t even want to jump on a free call with us. They don’t like I’ll say, okay, I have somebody that’s around the same age, that has a well-paying job, he’s, uh, you know, a citizen, blah, blah, blah and they just, they just want to see a picture and they just want to know the person’s occupation and they want to.

Speaker 2: 13:37
It’s it’s like the, the older generation version of swiping. They just want to swipe, right like our generation has our version of swiping and our parents have their own version of swiping, and it’s sad.

Speaker 1: 13:50
I think we’re rubbing off on our parents.

Speaker 2: 13:53
Maybe. So yeah, too many options results into window shopping or people just having fun.

Speaker 1: 13:59
Honestly. It’s very simple Just commit to the process. Know your values. Know what you need as opposed to what you want. Be realistic, have some level of compromise.

Speaker 2: 14:14
Of flexibility.

Speaker 1: 14:15
Flexibility, I would say and yeah, you just got to put in the work. It’s not going to be easy, nobody said it’s going to be easy. The moment you start looking, you’ll find the right person, right.

Speaker 2: 14:26
But is anything?

Speaker 1: 14:27
that’s worth it in life easy.

Speaker 2: 14:32
Super easy. Remember, the process itself is simple. Staying married is hard, but getting married is simple. It does take time, but the process itself. If you are clear on your values, you’re clear on your deal breakers, all the things that we’ve talked about in previous episodes. Once you’re clear on those things and you use those things as your guiding compass, inshallah, your path to marriage will be easier.

Speaker 1: 14:54
Until next time, assalamu alaikum.