Episode 11: Beyond Yes or No- How to Ask the Right Questions

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.

Speaker 1: 0:25
Assalamualaikum.

Speaker 2: 0:27
Questions, answers and answers. So obviously, as Muslims, we don’t date, we’re not allowed to date and use that as a means to getting to know someone and assess whether or not they’re compatible for us for marriage. So one of the tools that we have to rely on are questions, and questions was a big part of our courting phase. We were obviously on two different continents, so we got very creative with our questions and we made it fun. I had my list of questions, you had your list of questions. Um, what were some of the questions that I asked you? Do you remember?

Speaker 1: 1:11
I think you. Well, the first one I think you asked me was about my view of art and theater, and we spent quite a lot of time talking about that yeah, the reason I asked that question was because it was one of my non-negotiables.

Speaker 2: 1:28
So, as I shared in the first episode, art was a big or it still is a big part of my life. It’s something I invested many years of my life pursuing and studying and I wanted to pursue it further on post-marriage. So I needed someone that was respectful and understanding of the arts. But the important thing was, when I asked you that question, I didn’t make it a yes or no question, right? I wasn’t saying, hey, do you like art? Or hey, are you respectful of the arts? I asked it was more of an open-ended question right like, what is your opinion on art?

Speaker 2: 2:01
um like, do you remember exactly how I phrased it?

Speaker 1: 2:05
uh, what is your opinion about live theater, about acting?

Speaker 2: 2:09
right about?

Speaker 1: 2:11
um. I don’t think you asked me about music because it was already on my profile.

Speaker 2: 2:16
Yeah, I love music yeah, so the my intention behind that question was to invite conversation. Of course, I wanted to pick your brain a little bit. I knew you loved live music, so, um, the goal was to kind of say are we on the same page or do we have the same views about art and, uh, pursuing art further on as a couple? Yeah, um, there were so many other questions I had, because at that point I was already nine years into my search, so I had my list of questions. I knew what my deal breakers were. Um, you had some of your deal breakers too, right?

Speaker 1: 2:50
yeah, my biggest deal breaker is um somebody who’s materialistic who’s? Shallow who cares too much about money and all of that. So I needed to know that you’re not that type yeah, I feel like that’s a big one with girls.

Speaker 2: 3:07
Girls in general, like hygiene and materialism, are two big ones for girls oh, yeah, yeah, right, yeah so, as matchmakers, we’ve come up with this framework of questions to ask people. The framework includes lists of do’s and don’ts and other things that would help you assess compatibility. Rule number one ask what and how instead of why.

Speaker 1: 3:31
Why.

Speaker 2: 3:34
I’ll explain why in a moment. Number two don’t ask yes or no questions. Now, of course, there, at some point you’re going to, but we’re just talking about at least in the beginning. The reason for that is number one you don’t want to make them feel defensive. Asking somebody why don’t you pray, why don’t you go to the gym? Immediately makes them feel like their back is against the wall. Number two you want to respect their vulnerability. And third, you want to invite conversation. You don’t want to leave it um, especially with yes or no questions. They’re just dead-end questions. You’re not gonna get anywhere with those kinds of questions it makes it like a checklist.

Speaker 1: 4:14
You’re just going over a checklist. Okay, do you pray? Do you eat halal? Do you fast?

Speaker 2: 4:19
okay, let’s get married.

Speaker 1: 4:20
Okay, I guess yeah and, like you said, why questions make somebody feel defensive, as they have to defend their belief or their, whatever they do, their action right so instead, when you ask what and how, you are inviting conversation and you’re getting to know them without making them feel like they’re judged yeah, another way to ask a question.

Speaker 2: 4:46
So instead of asking, do you pray, you can maybe ask them how was Islam taught to you growing up? Right, you’ll get way more information through that question, through that kind of question.

Speaker 1: 4:57
Or what role does religion play in your life right?

Speaker 2: 5:01
Right.

Speaker 1: 5:02
Instead of asking do you go to the gym or do you eat healthy? You can ask what measures are you taking to keep a healthy lifestyle?

Speaker 2: 5:11
Yeah, oh, you know. One question we ask on our intake form is if you went to the grocery store with enough money to buy only five things, what would they be? Or if I was to open your pantry right now, what would be the five things that would stand out? Yeah, there is room for creativity, and this might come across as beating around the bush, but not necessarily. Getting to know someone is a very sensitive, vulnerable, scary thing, and so you want to navigate that process, um, with as much gentleness as possible, right?

Speaker 2: 5:49
yeah what’s the third tip?

Speaker 1: 5:52
third tip is um, keep an open mind and show a genuine interest in getting to know the person. So when you’re hearing their answer, when they’re answering your question, you’re not just waiting for them to finish, so you can reply or share, like your answer, right?

Speaker 1: 6:09
yeah you’re actively listening and trying to assess if this person is, like, shares your values and all of that, and you’re not getting busy with your phone or interrupting or like keep an eye contact. The Prophet, peace be upon him, when he used to talk to somebody like you reminded me the other day, he used to, like shift his entire body to be facing them, keep an eye contact and just give them his undivided attention. So that is important.

Speaker 2: 6:40
Because this person that you’re talking to, they could very well be your spouse, yeah, so treat each prospect as they could be your future spouse.

Speaker 2: 6:47
And uh, I like uh the metaphor you use, the netflix metaphor yeah, you don’t use it as a netflix or don’t treat each person you’re talking to with a netflix mindset, right where you’re just trying to get through the episode and move on to the next and the next and you’re just binging your way through multiple prospects. Don’t do that. Um, when you’re, I think, did we have an episode on values?

Speaker 1: 7:10
uh, no, not yet.

Speaker 2: 7:11
Okay, I’m sure we’ll do that, but when you’re clear on your values and your deal breakers, you you won’t end up talking to 100 people at a time right, you save yourself time, energy, heartbreak all of that gets saved yeah and um when you, so that when you are talking to somebody, you you’re talking to somebody. That um is compatible in terms of your deal breakers and values, and it’s just a matter of asking the right questions, phrasing the questions right and hopefully yeah and hopefully getting the person that is right for you.

Speaker 1: 7:44
So there is a fun way of asking questions, which is ask scenario-based questions. So instead of just keep asking what, how do you? All of that include some scenario-based questions and this turns the getting to know each other phase into fun. Like different, and there’s always something new to talk about. Like, for example, instead not instead, but for example, a question we have on our intake form for the girls. My husband comes home from work one day and says I’m sick of my job, I want to quit and start my own business. What would I say? So we get a variety, like a wide spectrum of answers from don’t you dare to um I’ll sit down with you, honey, and figure out a game plan.

Speaker 2: 8:34
And so immense support, yeah, what else do we see, girls?

Speaker 1: 8:41
usually have their risk averse. They want to make sure there’s enough savings, so they are more reasonable, okay.

Speaker 2: 8:51
The point is that it allows people’s views and feelings to come through.

Speaker 1: 8:57
Right.

Speaker 1: 9:01
And we learn a lot about our clients with these kinds kinds of questions and it further helps us assess compatibility and for the guys we ask them my wife suggests hiring a nanny so she can focus on her career or go back to school. What would I say? And oh, wow, this is a funny one. We get answers from hell. No to yeah. Sure, we’ll ask the nanny to move in and I’ll marry her To yeah to sure, I’ll support you. My parents can help. We’ll hire a nanny, I’ll do whatever it takes. So you get an understanding of like are the person more on the traditional side or are they more like, I would say, open-minded, supportive, whatever, and it helps in assessing compatibility yeah, we did a lot of this when we were first talking um, I think um what was one scenario based question question I asked you oh, you asked me this question.

Speaker 1: 10:01
What if I get a role in a Shakespeare play?

Speaker 2: 10:05
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:06
That requires me to hug a girl or kiss a girl. What would you say? Right?

Speaker 2: 10:12
The point was that I was pushing the boundaries. That was obviously not the first question I asked when I was first talking to you, but as we got a bit more comfortable I started pushing the boundaries to see where your uncomfortability was.

Speaker 1: 10:27
So of course I would never do such a thing Of course not, but it’s just good to know how the other person thinks.

Speaker 2: 10:32
Exactly when do they draw the line?

Speaker 1: 10:33
Exactly. Another question was I asked you actually what if we have kids and in the future one of our children says he is gay, he comes out or he wants to change gender? How would you react?

Speaker 2: 10:50
yeah, yeah, that was a fun one too. Yeah, um, obviously this was further into the courting phase, yeah, when we started getting comfortable about talking about the topic of children and things like that I think another question you asked me is what if we have a girl and she decides she wants to be a ballerina?

Speaker 1: 11:08
do you remember this one?

Speaker 2: 11:09
oh, wow, you remember all this yes, I remember this one wow, I got very creative. We did not to pat myself on the back, but yeah, but I had my questions there are many ways to ask questions in a like fun way.

Speaker 1: 11:26
Another, another interesting fashion of asking questions is would you rather questions?

Speaker 2: 11:31
oh yeah yeah yeah, of course, so, would you rather? Questions are great. It’s, um, it’s actually one of the games we have in our ebook and, uh, our clients play these games on their double dates and they love them. Uh, so one of the questions, um, and our so what’s? What’s one of them?

Speaker 1: 11:48
I’m blanking uh, would you rather die at 40 and accomplished or die at 80 and accomplished, and unaccomplished accomplished at 80 or accomplished at 40 right right and you see what is more important to them time, uh, quantity, quality time, quantity, quality accomplishments, leaving a legacy, and it just gives you more insight on the person.

Speaker 2: 12:14
Yeah, one that we ask in our workshop is if you have a fitness. So you’re training for a marathon and you have the option of choosing one of two fitness trainers. You can choose Abdul Jabbar, who’s who’s mean, harsh but can guarantee you results, and he’ll make sure you’re ready for the marathon. Or you can hire kareem, who is sweet, gentle, supportive, but cannot guarantee you results. And it’s interesting how people respond. Do people need that supportive, nurturing environment? I’m, I’m that kind of person. Um, I can’t do well if somebody is just, you know, breathing down my neck and and bullying me and into getting ready.

Speaker 1: 12:58
I can’t do that but I think I’d rather abdul-jabbar. I want results. Like I’m not hiring him to be my friend. I want results at the end of the day.

Speaker 2: 13:06
The important thing is that there is no yes or oh, sorry, right or wrong answer.

Speaker 1: 13:10
Right.

Speaker 2: 13:12
You have to assess what is important to you, what you need to make things work for you and, more importantly, in the context of marriage, are you more results-oriented? Are you someone that needs support more than results? So it invites conversation.

Speaker 1: 13:29
Just remember, keep it fun, try to keep it comfortable. You’re not interrogating the other person and keep an open mind. That’s the most important thing, because you’re going to hear answers that are different from yours. Some things are going to surprise you. If you don’t keep an open mind, then this is not gonna move forward. You’re not marrying yourself. At the end of the day, the other person. They come with their whole set of values, um baggage baggage, upbringing whatever it is.

Speaker 1: 14:01
So keep an open mind. That’s the one thing we want to advise you to take yeah, so I still have my questions.

Speaker 2: 14:07
That, uh, that I asked you when we were first talking. So, um, yeah, I’d love to share them for people who may benefit. Uh, so the first one. I like this one a lot. Should the expenses of the home be shared by a couple or are they the responsibility of the husband? Do you remember how you answered that one?

Speaker 1: 14:25
Yes, I think I do. Okay, I think it depends if you’re asking me from Islamic perspective or my personal opinion.

Speaker 2: 14:35
Oh, of course. I mean, anybody can look up the Islamic perspective, but I wanted to get your opinion on that.

Speaker 1: 14:40
So no, I believe if the woman is working, then it’s fair to expect that she would be contributing to the house.

Speaker 2: 14:49
Share a hardship you faced and how did you overcome it. I like that one. When and how was the last time you challenged yourself? Oh, I think this is the art question. As a practicing Muslim, how do you feel about subjects such as acting, music and dance? Rather than asking are you okay with music, dance and acting, see, see how it really changes things. 100, yeah, um, does money buy happiness? If not, what does? If yes, how so? So money is a very sensitive topic. My friends and I go back and forth about this question.

Speaker 2: 15:27
Um, of course, I don’t feel money buys happiness I don’t think anybody would say, yes, a lot of people do feel that really yeah, yeah um, what was the motivation behind your career choice, and would you call your career choice a job or a passion? Okay yeah, so hopefully these questions helped you guys out, uh, and you guys got some tools and uh actually on our website, you can find the comparability challenge.

Speaker 1: 15:55
In it, we have seven games. There are questions, uh, that are disguised in games and they will help you assess comparability with the other person in a fun and interactive way. Uh, go check it out, halalmatchca, and we will see you next episode.

Speaker 2: 16:11
Inshallah assalamu alaikum.