Episode 12: What Stage Are You In?

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.

Speaker 1: 0:26
Assalamu alaikum.

Speaker 2: 0:28
So we’ve done a lot of workshops, alhamdulillah, over the past year, and the one thing that we often share is that people go through these three stages when trying to get married. Now, this is something that we’ve crafted together ourselves. It’s not something that you’ll find in some you know obscure psychological textbook or something, but it’s based on our professional and personal experiences. So the first stage that people often go through is the ideal stage that you know, sometimes when you’re a teenager, or even you know it carries over into your early 20s that you have this ideal version of the kind of person you want to marry. Did you have an ideal version in your mind, hiba?

Speaker 1: 1:14
I think so I think that would be somebody who’s muscular.

Speaker 2: 1:21
He looked like what Brad Pitt or Arnold Schwarzenegger or something.

Speaker 1: 1:24
Maybe no, not Schwarzenegger or something, maybe some. No, not schwarzenegger, no too much too much muscle, okay, yeah I think also I had a weird one, somebody who can express his emotions in english, because I always felt weird like talking about intimacy and all of this in arabic it sounds like I don’t know yeah, you always get weirded out whenever I say like habibti or something yeah well, then again, I’m not arab, so it does kind of come off weird yeah, but I guess, yeah, that was one of my things, but um, yeah, nothing special huh, um, for me, I would.

Speaker 2: 2:00
For me, I would think that my ideal match was, I think, what most guys want Fair skin, blue eyes, slim physique, beautiful voice.

Speaker 1: 2:17
Sorry, I disappoint.

Speaker 2: 2:20
So I mean I wasn’t far off from the average guy, I guess.

Speaker 1: 2:25
I think also I had an idealistic thing, somebody who’s like more a sheikh type. I wanted somebody who’s like an imam, a sheikh, something like that.

Speaker 2: 2:35
Okay, okay. Yeah, that’s interesting. I’ve actually seen that with some of our clients. So what are some idealistic expectations that you can recall from our clients?

Speaker 1: 2:49
Oh for girls, Height for sure.

Speaker 2: 2:51
Oh yeah.

Speaker 1: 2:51
Height, height, height.

Speaker 2: 2:53
We’ve had girls saying no, just I think without even seeing the picture.

Speaker 1: 2:58
Yeah, just based on height.

Speaker 2: 2:59
Just based on height, it’s crazy how much height is a big deal.

Speaker 1: 3:02
I think there’s like a psychological aspect to it, I don’t know.

Speaker 2: 3:05
yeah we get girls putting on their forms.

Speaker 1: 3:07
Six one yeah, like six, two, I think five, nine minimum, five nine minimum, that’s a compromise. But yeah, yeah, that’s a compromise, exactly yeah what else do girls share?

Speaker 2: 3:19
oh yeah I remember one um a girl put on her form that she expects 80K income. Yeah, at least, at least that’s the minimum. And that one really stood out to me because I’m like, okay, this girl seems a bit disconnected from reality, but that’s what you and, believe it or not, this was an expectation that we had from a girl who was in her 30s.

Speaker 1: 3:46
Yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:48
Yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:49
I think this could go into a reasonable actually. Yeah, actually this could go into reasonable. We’ll get to reasonable in a second.

Speaker 2: 3:56
So, yeah, that takes us to reasonable. Reasonable is something that would always infuriate me when I was searching. A certain level of success in their life, whether it’s with their income, their education, they’ve reached a certain status. They feel that they deserve somebody who is at the same level, if not higher, right, income-wise education, whatever it might be. And the problem with that is, I would say, twofold. Number one your ego is dictating the process and not your values. And the second thing is is that it’s disconnecting you from the reality of the world that you, you live in as a muslim in north america, and we get to we’ll get to the final stage, because I’m kind of leading to the final stage, um, but how do you feel about that?

Speaker 1: 4:56
I feel, I guess, like you said as well, frustrated because it goes totally against, like our islamic teachings, where you should look for somebody who’s compatible with you and a level of like dean. You’re attracted to their character, their manners, all of that and then we put that aside and we start from their profession, their status in society. All of that, and for what?

Speaker 2: 5:26
Yeah, although the hadith does mention that that a guy typically looks for lineage wealth. What’s the third?

Speaker 1: 5:35
one Beauty.

Speaker 2: 5:37
Beauty.

Speaker 1: 5:37
And deen. But the Prophet Said Marry the pious one, go for the pious one, you will be successful.

Speaker 2: 5:46
Yeah, so in our Situation, for example, hiba has a master’s degree and I don’t, but when we were going Through our courting phase, that was never An issue Right Like it was actually A great conversation started.

Speaker 2: 5:57
I learned so much about. But when we were going through our courting phase that was never an issue, right Like it was actually a great conversation starter. I learned so much about what her degree was, about what she was learning she was able to teach me and it was great to see that. But I’ve seen it so much, especially in the Desi community where you know they see her I mean sorry where doctors are treated as the cream of the crop and the expectation is that well, if a guy’s a doctor, then he deserves somebody who’s close to that level, if not higher, or in terms of physical beauty, she’s got to be a 10 out of 10 because, hey, he’s a doctor. Now.

Speaker 1: 6:35
Even if he’s a 4, he deserves a 10. Even if he’s a 4, right, he deserves a 10 because hey he’s a doctor now.

Speaker 2: 6:39
He’s put in about 10 years into achieving his degree. But at the end of the day, those degrees, that income, it’s not for you to gain leverage in the matchmaking process, it’s for. It’s your achievement.

Speaker 1: 6:54
Yeah, it’s for you.

Speaker 2: 6:55
It’s for you to contribute something to society. It’s for you to have a sustainable future, for you to be able to provide for your family, things like that. So it’s just sad to see how much that takes priority.

Speaker 1: 7:06
And we actually heard it from a guy. He said that I spent so many years in school pursuing my medical degree, it’s only reasonable or it’s only fair that I marry also a doctor. So it’s like are the careers getting married or are you as humans getting married right?

Speaker 2: 7:25
right, because there’s so much more to a person than just your degree and your income actually we heard it from you say it’s more common amongst desis.

Speaker 1: 7:35
Maybe it is, but we heard it from a arab girl as well, the sweetest girl ever. She was in her mid-30s, still single because her parents she was a doctor.

Speaker 2: 7:44
She’s works in the medical field uh, her family comes from that lineage, you could say, and her parents were looking for a doctor and they’re passing on prospects because they’re not doctors right and ultimately it’s just hurting the girl exactly, yeah yeah, and then that takes us to the final stage, which is realistic realistic, exactly, and realistic is just understanding that as muslim in north america you comprise at least specifically in can, for example, you’re just under 5% of the population, and you always bring this up too that even within that small population not everyone is eligible for marriage right. Because, half are probably guys. The other half is the other gender. Some are too old, some are too young.

Speaker 1: 8:32
Some are married, some don’t want to get married Exactly.

Speaker 2: 8:36
So we have this really cool circle that we use in our workshop and the circle, basically it starts off as a large circle which encompasses you or the population of Muslims in North America, and then the more conditions we put on that circle, the smaller our circle gets.

Speaker 1: 8:54
And what do?

Speaker 2: 8:55
some of the conditions look like smaller our circle gets Exactly.

Speaker 1: 8:57
And what do some of the conditions look like? Ethnicity, location, height, education.

Speaker 2: 9:02
Marital status.

Speaker 1: 9:03
Marital status looks all sorts of things.

Speaker 2: 9:07
Right, and by the time we cut down that circle, our circle gets so small that there’s only like you and three other people in that circle exactly and by marital status we mean somebody who’s single, never married.

Speaker 1: 9:23
They lots of people. They don’t want somebody’s divorce or widowed, and all of that yeah, and time goes by.

Speaker 1: 9:29
Time is not forgiving and the thing is many people spend so many years in idealistic or reasonable and then by the time they get too realistic, either they’re too old or they’re burnt out or like it becomes very difficult. So we don’t want you to go to spend so many, so much time in those first two stages. Just realize from the beginning. And when we say realize the reality we live in, we’re not saying like, just settle for something, that like with someone who is not compatible with you. Uh, compromise, compromise, compromise.

Speaker 2: 10:04
Just for the sake of getting married.

Speaker 1: 10:05
That’s not what we’re saying. We’re saying is start from the important things right. Let your values dictate the process exactly your values, compatibility, and then the other things will fall into place. Maybe he’s not as tall as you want.

Speaker 2: 10:20
Maybe he lives in a different province, but you’re very compatible.

Speaker 1: 10:24
Maybe she’s not 10 out of 10, but she has the sweetest heart, she’s successful. She would be a great mother for your children. She’ll help you grow spiritually Exactly All of those things Maybe he doesn’t make six figures, but he has taqwa of Allah, that will, that will guarantee he’ll take care of you and he’ll respect you, respect your family. So focus on those important things.

Speaker 2: 10:49
Right, you’re not going to find everything on your checklist.

Speaker 1: 10:53
Exactly, and many people they don’t realize this until it’s too late. They want the perfect match. They want the perfect match Even if they themselves are not that perfect but for some reason we fall to see our own faults.

Speaker 2: 11:07
Yeah, remember, perfection does not exist, and especially if you’re in your 30s and I know this is going to sound harsh but if you’re a girl in your 30s, you don’t have the luxury of being picky I just got to keep it real, um.

Speaker 2: 11:21
So there has to be a level of compromise, um, but not compromising, of course, on your values, but, uh, approaching the the subject with a little bit of flexibility. Yeah right, whether it’s location, age, income, there’s so much room for flexibility, and the beauty, beautiful thing about our dean is that it doesn’t put these strict requirements on us. So, like you said, we don’t want people investing seven, eight to up to ten years of their life hanging on to an ideal version of what they want or a reasonable version of what they want. We want people to skip to realistic, right, and when we talk about skipping to realistic, that means first understanding your values, your non-negotiables. We’ve talked about this in previous episodes, coming, um, coming from that place. And when you have that clear understanding of what your values and non-negotiables are, you will save so much time. Really, you will save so much time, uh, because when you get into the courting phase and start asking questions, the questions will be rooted in those things.

Speaker 2: 12:27
Yeah, exactly, and you’re going to understand that, okay, this person might not fit the checkboxes that I have in terms of ideal, but hey, realistic is more important, and this person is somebody that can live a long term.

Speaker 1: 12:41
And also, you want somebody, like we always say, you want somebody you can grow with. You’re not buying a couch Like you’re buying a couch, it’s just’s just, it’s gonna stay the way you bought it, right, yeah, but you’re looking for somebody you can build your house with um, I don’t know, grow in dean together, grow financially together, all of that, so they don’t have to be like ready in all in like, in all aspects exactly you don’t have to check all the boxes right now exactly, yeah right, the.

Speaker 2: 13:14
The three kind of pillars of marriage that we share in our workshop is that it’s support, union and growth. It’s not a business transaction, it’s not a status game. Those are the three things that if you have those things in your mindset approaching marriage, inshallah you will find the right person.

Speaker 1: 13:32
Yeah. So before we leave you, if you would like to learn more about our workshops or if you’d like to maybe book a workshop could be in person or virtual feel free to get in touch with us through our website, halalmatchca. It’s a pre-marital workshop three hour, very interactive. So much fun oh yeah and um.

Speaker 2: 13:55
That’s it for today all right till next time.