Episode 15: Does Money Buy Compatibility?

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba.

Speaker 1: 0:25
Assalamu alaikum.

Speaker 2: 0:28
So what makes two people compatible?

Speaker 1: 0:31
Cuisine.

Speaker 2: 0:35
That is such a broad like compatibility in and of itself is such a broad topic.

Speaker 1: 0:41
Of course, yeah Right.

Speaker 2: 0:42
There are so many elements that uh contribute to that yeah yeah, like in our parents generation it was hey, I know this person that lives in a local village um, and therefore you’re compatible, that’s it right, he’s your cousin, you’re compatible there you go.

Speaker 1: 1:01
That’s all that qualifies for compatibility I think, um, back then, like there was no concept even of compatibility, like there’s this guy, there’s this girl, they’re both the same, the right age.

Speaker 1: 1:13
Let’s get them married, they both speak the same language, exactly same ethnicity, and hence they’re compatible yeah, when actually, in fact, the Prophet, peace be upon him like in Islam, comparability plays a major role when it comes to marriage and I don’t know like I remember stories back home you would find like girls 18, 19 year olds. Suddenly you hear they got engaged, they got married and very soon after a lot of these marriages fell apart and because there was no due diligence, there wasn’t any talk about life after marriage, about expectations, about views, about whatever. It’s just like oh mashallah, she’s beautiful, she comes from a good family, oh, he makes good money, let’s get them married. So where’s the concept of compatibility here?

Speaker 2: 2:13
yeah, I keep thinking, like you and I both have divorces in our family. We’re in our extended family and I keep thinking about what led to those divorces and was there any sort of communication before that allowed them to assess compatibility? And I think, yeah, there’s just so many different reasons why these marriages didn’t work out.

Speaker 1: 2:42
Yeah, sometimes, like you know, yesterday I was watching a documentary about India and the topic wasn’t marriage. But they said 90% of marriages in India are arranged marriages. And it’s not what we mean by arranged, that. There was like a mutual friend and they started talking to each other and discussing and all of that. No, what it means that the father, the families arrange the marriage and sometimes they don’t even see each other until the wedding day yeah, like my, my uncle’s situation.

Speaker 2: 3:14
Like they didn’t.

Speaker 2: 3:15
He didn’t see his wife until, I think, after they were married wow, yeah it’s crazy, um, but yeah, the reason we’re bringing up this question and talking about this is because we had a very interesting experience not too long ago with somebody that was looking to find a match. So, for the sake of privacy, we will change her name and her profession and call her Aisha. So Aisha scheduled a call with us and Mashallah she’s a very accomplished girl in her field. For the sake of privacy, we’ll say she’s a neurosurgeon and when we spoke to her it was very clear that she was a bit of an overachiever Mashallah very successful, very accomplished in her field, and she was looking for somebody that matched her drive and ambition. And when we were done with the call, you were going to say something.

Speaker 1: 4:15
No, I was just going to say she wanted somebody who wanted to change the world.

Speaker 2: 4:21
I don’t know if she put it in those words.

Speaker 1: 4:22
Not in those words, I did get that impression.

Speaker 2: 4:26
But yeah, when we finished the call with her, we knew she was going to be difficult to match but nonetheless we did have somebody that was pretty intelligent and accomplished in his own way. So we scheduled. We first reviewed both of their forms, then we scheduled a call with her and said, hey, we have somebody that we think is a good match for you and this brother, mashallah. He was pursuing his PhD at an Ivy League school with plans to write and publish books, and during the presentation, so we introduced pictures, a video, we did a full introduction, or more like a presentation of this match. And, keep in mind, aisha’s mom was on the call too. And as soon as we introduced him, the response was why is he pursuing his PhD so late Now? Bear in mind this brother is in his early 30s, and then and it wasn’t his first year, yeah uh, and then I should continue to ask what makes you think he’s compatible with me?

Speaker 2: 5:36
and the questions just keep coming, keep kept coming. And uh, and then the one statement that really irked me, that that something that I hear often during my search was does his income match Aisha’s income? Because we’re looking for someone that matches in that regard.

Speaker 1: 5:56
And then Aisha went on to say after that I don’t find many successful marriages where there is a large income disparity between the husband and wife she did say that she is like the least materialistic person she kept emphasizing and for some reason, she, she felt like she had to say I’m a very humble person I can’t stress enough how humble I am, which is actually very strange, because a humble person doesn’t say they’re humble, but that’s besides the point.

Speaker 2: 6:25
Yeah, so it felt like she, she knew that, like she needed to explain herself by saying I’m not materialistic and, by the way, that that statement I just said about income disparity, that’s word for word how she said it. Now it’s very hard for us not to pass a judgment and we’re going to do our best not to pass any judgments here I think I already did I think you did, but regardless, it is our diary, so there’s so much to unpack here.

Speaker 2: 6:53
But the question that we were talking about in the beginning of the podcast was does income, or how much of a role does income, play when it comes to compatibility and it’s not the first time I’ve heard this where people feel like if there’s an income disparity, if there’s an education disparity, if there is, I don’t know other disparities, right that that in and of itself leads to incompatibility.

Speaker 1: 7:26
I think by income and education people mean status. Because would Aisha have said yes to somebody who’s very well off but he owns, like I don’t know, a plumbing company and he doesn’t have a higher education?

Speaker 2: 7:46
Right I said that before that when we were talking before the podcast that you know you could be a PhD, but I know how to fry an egg, right.

Speaker 1: 7:56
Or hold a conversation.

Speaker 2: 7:57
Hold a conversation so oftentimes when, when I hear and I hear a lot from girls that I’m looking for somebody who quote unquote well educated. Are you like you just said? Are you looking for status? Are you really looking for somebody that is intelligent? Right, because going through the academic system and getting your PhD most cases I’m going to be quite honest here that just proves you’re really good at regurgitating material for an exam and getting through the system.

Speaker 1: 8:27
Not a PhD, because for a PhD you have to write a thesis that takes years.

Speaker 2: 8:32
I guess that’s maybe a bit of a stretch and me passing a judgment, but nonetheless, um, you don’t have to be a phd in order to be um, in order to hold a conversation or to be intelligent. So we touched on this a little bit in a previous episode when we discussed the three stages, that, regardless of what a woman achieves out in society, um, and what her level of income is, what her status is, whether she’s a ceo politician, what it is or whatever it might be, her status doesn’t change when she comes home. Inside the four walls of your home, you’re still a wife, you’re still a mother. You’re not the ce walls of your home, you’re still a wife, you’re still a mother. You’re not the CEO of your home. And we’ll dive into this hadith next. But there aren’t two captains steering the ship. The shepherd of the home is the husband. And what’s the hadith that further elaborates on this?

Speaker 1: 9:26
The Prophet. Peace be upon him, said. The Prophet said Each one of you is a shepherd and each one of you is responsible for his own flock. The imam, meaning the governor, he’s his family and he’s responsible for his flock. وَالْمَرْأَةُ رَاعِيَةٌ فِي بَيْتِ زَوْجِهَا وَمَ responsible for her flock. So each one of us has their own responsibilities and they’re going to be asked about their responsibilities. So the husband and the wife they’re not competing for the same role. Each one of them has a different role which they’re going to be asked about. So, just, each one of us should take care of their own role instead of competing with the other person.

Speaker 2: 10:27
Right, because when we’re searching for status and we’re searching for educational achievements and things like that, then it’s like we’re competing, like you said, when people say things like oh, compatibility means they’re at the same educational level or income level, that that kind of understanding and those beliefs come from a place where you don’t understand what our deen says about roles and responsibilities, right?

Speaker 1: 10:57
Actually, the Prophet specifically addressed this when he said the hadith we mentioned multiple, multiple, multiple times that a woman is usually proposed to, either for her wealth, for her beauty, for her status slash lineage, or for her wealth, for her beauty, for her status slash lineage, or for her dean. So marry the, the one with the dean, you will be successful. And lineage or status, and those days today it translates to, like we said, the status and the society, education, your achievements, your income, all of that. So we’re doing exactly the opposite Of what the Prophet SAW said. You know, I have a friend in Palestine. She’s a doctor, she’s a woman’s doctor.

Speaker 1: 11:40
Okay, a gynecologist Gynecologist, and she’s married to a plumber and, as far as I know, they’re very, very happy together With two beautiful children.

Speaker 2: 11:49
Oh, I know who you’re talking about.

Speaker 1: 11:50
Yeah and I feel honestly Like with um non-muslims, this isn’t a big problem oh, not at all.

Speaker 2: 11:58
Yeah, it’s. It’s clearly a problem with muslims. Um, I mean, I’ve interacted with enough non-muslims at this point.

Speaker 1: 12:07
This, these conversations never come up, you know, or these issues never come up like you see, uh, I don’t know a woman who I don’t know she’s an engineer or something and she’s married to a guy who works in construction, or or even you know the topic of racism, which we should dedicate, uh, an episode to like you see, people with like different complexions and they’re like it’s fine, like it’s not even a topic to mention yeah, it’s like baba at least said once that everyone wants bilal radi lawan who, until he comes, to propose uh to and ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage yeah, I guess yeah yeah, on the flip side, that there is a good point that, um, some people believe in.

Speaker 2: 12:56
I feel like there is some truth to this, where you want the lifestyles to match. Let’s say, for example, the girl comes from a very well, our family has enjoyed a very lavish lifestyle, and here comes a guy that is a plumber.

Speaker 1: 13:14
Even though, by the way, plumbers earn a lot.

Speaker 2: 13:16
Yeah, but let’s say they don’t. There was a Fras.

Speaker 1: 13:19
Fraser episode, where it turns out the plumber drives a better car than him.

Speaker 2: 13:25
Oh really.

Speaker 1: 13:26
Yeah, they charge a lot.

Speaker 2: 13:27
Than Dr Fraser.

Speaker 1: 13:29
Yes.

Speaker 2: 13:29
Wow. So, going back to what I was saying, so yeah, let’s say, a girl grew up in a very lavish home and a guy who just happens to be a plumber, who doesn’t earn much, comes and proposes. Now the question is is this a marriage that could work? Is there going to be conflict? Because ultimately the question is can he provide the same kind of lifestyle that she is used to and she’s been brought up in?

Speaker 1: 14:03
So there are two things. First of all, it’s up to both of them, because she could be fine with it and she could care less for, not care less for the lifestyle. She just loves this person. She knows he’s going to be a good man, a good father, a good husband, all of that, so in that case there shouldn’t be a problem. Now, sometimes it’s the families who intervene and they’re like no, he’s not good enough for our family. On the other side is she could be fine with it, but he could say no because he would always feel this inferiority complex and he doesn’t want to deal with that. At the end of the day, it’s up to the people themselves.

Speaker 2: 14:46
So compatibility is not a perfect science. We’re not saying that, hey, if your values match and your goals match, Take these personality tests. Right, personality tests Right. Even as matchmakers, we haven’t really perfected the art of matching two people. We do our best and we try to assess in whatever way we can and we leave it up to our clients to ultimately make the wise choice.

Speaker 1: 15:27
Yeah, because at the end of the day, you’re not dealing with robots right like two pieces of a puzzle. They must fit right, exactly. Yeah, but these are our thoughts and we would love to know what you think. Um, let’s start a discussion and let us know if you think that, uh, financial, financial level and education level plays a role in compatibility. And you can send us a fan mail, by the way. Click on the link, send us a fan mail with a private message, and we would love to connect.

Speaker 2: 15:49
Okay, till next time, assalamu alaikum.