Episode 17: Zaid’s Five Mistakes

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in Bismillah.

Speaker 1: 0:17
Assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. I’m your matchmaker, hiba, and on the other mic is my husband, zaid.

Speaker 2: 0:25
Assalamu alaikum everyone.

Speaker 1: 0:27
So this episode is the first of two episodes where we go down memory lane and we just try to think of some mistakes we did when we were looking to get married and just share these experiences and see if you guys can benefit from them. This first episode is dedicated to Zaid’s mistakes.

Speaker 2: 0:50
Yeah, this episode required me to really think hard on what I did wrong, where I could have really saved a lot of time and heartache have really saved a lot of time and heartache. So one of the first mistakes that I can think of was not identifying my deal breakers early. That’s kind of, I guess, a catch-22.

Speaker 2: 1:20
The reason is because the reason is because your deal breakers are something that requires time. You go through different chapters in your life university, your first job, your first promotion, etc. Etc. You go through rejections after rejections and then over time you get a clear idea of what you’re compatible with and what you’re not compatible with. So in that way it is kind of I don’t know. Would you say it’s a catch-22, where it’s important to identify it early, but you can’t identify it early because it requires time yeah, I think you’re right.

Speaker 1: 2:02
So how early or how late in your journey did you start identifying them?

Speaker 2: 2:08
that’s a good question. I think um uh closer to when I was maybe 30 um this is a guy scratching his paws, his claws yes, this is Hiba’s birthday gift. Um, yeah, so when I was right around 30, at that point, um, I was very much, um, I had my heart set on theater, um, and not fitting into the conventional or the norm of what people were seeking for in terms of marriage right.

Speaker 2: 2:52
The professional degrees, the six-figure income, the master’s degree, all of that stuff by 30, I told myself I just don’t see that happening. I told myself, I don’t, I just don’t see that happening. And uh, and so, with that in mind and you know me pursuing yoga and uh, and what was?

Speaker 1: 3:15
my third deal breaker respectful of the arts respectful of the arts active active and take somebody who takes their dean seriously and takes their dean seriously and takes their dean seriously well, look, I remember.

Speaker 2: 3:27
Yeah, you remember my deal breakers better than me, or none. I think non negotiables would be a better term well, at least you had deal breakers.

Speaker 1: 3:33
When we talk about mine, you’ll discover the first one I did yeah so so yeah, I I was clear about that.

Speaker 2: 3:41
I was between maybe 30 to 32, 33. I was pretty clear that these were something. These were the things that wasn’t, I wasn’t gonna budge on okay.

Speaker 1: 3:54
Did you have any doubts in your mind that you’ll actually find somebody?

Speaker 2: 4:00
yeah, I did, and I think that’s part of the reason why it took so long to get married, because finding somebody that was OK with these things took time.

Speaker 1: 4:12
OK, well, I guess I feel special and somehow I guess yeah, but yeah, I mean friends and family would always feel.

Speaker 2: 4:21
One of my close friends would tell me that I would never find somebody who would be okay with the arts.

Speaker 1: 4:25
I was like, okay it is what it is well, speaking of the arts, um, just two days ago we attended a play at the stratford festival and I’m like I was like mesmerized, like it took me. I was high for two days on that beauty and I’m like if I haven’t met you, if I haven’t been introduced to theater, then I would have missed out on something really special. So thank you for that.

Speaker 2: 4:55
You’re welcome.

Speaker 1: 4:56
Okay, and number two would be.

Speaker 2: 5:00
Chasing any proposal that comes along. I feel like it’s harder for guys. And then girls, uh, because guys are more sexually driven than girls are, naturally, right, um so, and then there’s a saying that comes to mind, which is a person who doesn’t stand for something falls for anything, right, right. So if you’re just, if you’re not clear and we’ve said this over and over again, so many episodes if you’re not clear on your values, on who you are, on your goals, your expectations, um, given that they’re grounded in something realistic, um, then you’re just gonna. It’s like, you know, a mouse chasing the cheese. He’s just going to keep going after the cheese, because he’s just chasing what’s dangling in front of him yeah.

Speaker 2: 5:50
Right. So it’s important that you take those steps first, Otherwise you’re just going to keep chasing one proposal after another and not realize why you’re getting rejected or why you’re miserable and and things just aren’t working out for you did you ever chase proposals that you knew from the beginning they’re not gonna work?

Speaker 1: 6:14
this person is not right for me, but for some reason you ended up chasing them many times, really many times that’s one of my biggest regrets.

Speaker 2: 6:23
I can think of many proposals where, to be quite honest, I wasn’t even attracted to the girl, but for out of desperation, out of just social pressure, I don’t know, it was just many reasons like the fear of loneliness, fear of missing out, all those things that just kind of create levels of pressure on you that force you to make stupid decisions.

Speaker 1: 6:54
I wonder if any of the guys who are listening can relate to that.

Speaker 2: 7:01
Yeah, maybe I think I’m sure there’s guys out there who you know, out of desperation or just chasing proposals and not really giving it some thought.

Speaker 1: 7:16
Okay. So number one was not being clear on your deal breakers. Number two is chasing proposals that Any proposal that comes Any proposal, and number three would be Carrying the right mindset.

Speaker 2: 7:31
Uh-huh, understanding it is a long journey that requires patience. This was definitely one of the toughest things for me. Just like most people, I would get high going on a matrimony website thinking, okay, yes, you know, I’m going to put the best picture I have, I’m going to embellish my profile and, inshallah, I’m gonna find somebody. And then that high would kind of just die within a month or two months and then I would pause my subscription and uh, and then that high would come back then I would attend a matrimonial event and think like okay

Speaker 2: 8:05
something’s gonna happen, I would get so excited, right, um, and then I’d get depressed afterwards, and so I just didn’t, because the thing was I kept seeing people around me getting married and I failed to realize that everybody’s on their own journey, right? Some people, they’ll, they’ll, marry their high school sweetheart and they’ll be married by 1920. Some other people, like me, when did I get married? 34, right, and so you can’t. Comparison is the biggest killer, right, and that’s, as we all know, one of the dangers of social media People posting their pictures of their wives, of their husbands of their first or second kid and you’re thinking when is it my turn?

Speaker 1: 8:50
when is it my turn? It’s hard not to compare it seriously when it’s something you want so bad.

Speaker 2: 8:54
Exactly.

Speaker 1: 8:55
And you’re trying hard and, like you said, you see it blasted on social media. Exactly, you become bitter at some point.

Speaker 2: 9:03
Yeah, and we have to understand that we plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners, subhanallah.

Speaker 2: 9:09
So, trusting in Allah’s plan and, most importantly, being patient with the process and um I’ve said this before we I share my story in the workshops that, um, that when I got married, that alhamdulillah, it was the right time for me to get married. And uh, had I met you earlier, it would have been. I don’t know if it would have worked out, because I just wasn’t at the right place to get married at that time. So allah blesses people when the time is right. Um and uh, and yeah, that’s, that was one of my mistakes it’s important not to confuse, though, being patient with not being active right, yeah, yeah, that is, there is a big difference.

Speaker 1: 9:53
Yeah, yeah okay, number four um yeah this is a big one. Read the profile before looking at the pictures so your mistake was that you didn’t read the profile no, not necessarily.

Speaker 2: 10:07
I think the the mistake was that, um, as a guy, we’re more visually driven right, we’re attracted to, to beauty and the aesthetics and stuff like that. So, um, I would see a girl’s picture first and then determine whether I now want to read the profile I, I think girls do that as well, by the way okay yeah, like if I’m not attracted to the picture.

Speaker 1: 10:34
So why waste? Not waste, I guess why spend time going through their profile?

Speaker 2: 10:41
well, vice versa, it works both ways right. I mean, if, if now, if I don’t find the profile interesting, then why waste time with the no wait? That’s what you just said.

Speaker 1: 10:53
No, no, I said if you don’t find the picture attractive, then why waste time with the no? Wait, that’s what you just said. No, I said, if you don’t find the picture attractive, then why waste time going through the profile?

Speaker 2: 11:00
But the other way, if you don’t find the profile attractive, then why waste time reading the profile?

Speaker 1: 11:06
Yeah well, usually it doesn’t happen this way, because seeing a picture takes a second right, but reading a profile.

Speaker 2: 11:12
Yeah. So the point is that when you read someone’s profile, you will find things that you are attracted to, um, but beauty can be blinding, especially for guys, uh. And if you’re just going straight to the picture and just ignoring the profile, um, or you’re just looking at her age, her picture hey, does she kind of fit into what I dream of then you, you’re letting your, your emotions, drive the process, um, versus you know your values driving the process, um. So, um, going back to going, when we introduce matches in our service, we’re very strict about introducing the match through their profile first who they are, what their goals are, what their expectations are why we think you’re compatible.

Speaker 2: 12:08
What their deal breakers are, their religious expectations, all of those things, because it paints a picture in their mind. Exactly all of those things because it paints a picture in their mind. Exactly right, and then they can move ahead and see the picture. And does the picture? Have they already developed an attraction based on the values that we’ve shared? And then, inshallah, hopefully the picture can align with that right.

Speaker 1: 12:31
The video introduction can align with that that’s actually why we like started the video introduction thing, because we noticed that many times people, just the moment they see the picture, they would either say yes or no and just forget about what we shared on the profile exactly but, when you see the person talking and you see the way they express themselves, the way they carry themselves, their I don’t know their smile, their, their voice, right, even the voices like makes a difference, so they could become more attractive in your eyes and like pictures.

Speaker 1: 13:06
A lot of times they can be deceiving whether for good or bad?

Speaker 2: 13:09
yeah, yeah. So for guys, definitely as hard as it is. I know you guys just want to go straight to the picture and trust me, I was the same. Try to resist that. Read the form first, um, try to get an understanding of, uh, of their values. And you know, if it’s a girl that just puts like one or two sentences, then you know it’s. Seeing her picture isn’t really really worth your time because she’s not investing in her form. Yeah, right. And if she’s got a really dolled up picture but her profile is just one or two sentences, then that’s a red flag exactly so for some people yeah, um.

Speaker 1: 13:45
So yeah, take the time to read the form first and then go to the pictures actually we should dedicate an episode or profile if you’re on a matchmaking website, yeah, but, uh, we should dedicate an entire episode in the future inshallah about how to navigate uh, matchmaking and websites like how to make the most out of them.

Speaker 2: 14:03
Yeah, yeah, I’m sure we could share a lot about that. Okay, and last but not least, yeah, this was a mistake I’ve made more than once. Have the courage to leave a courtship early if you know it’s not going to work, and you just asked me that question. All right, it is. I feel like this is a harder one for girls than guys, because they can get emotionally entangled.

Speaker 1: 14:28
Yeah, all right, they get dreamy and like just think about the wedding and the future and stuff.

Speaker 2: 14:36
But it also does play a part with guys. Guys, out of desperation, they’ll just hang on, hang on to somebody that shows interest in them. Right, a girl reaches out to them and, um, you know, they might be lonely, maybe they. They rarely ever get somebody that’s interested in them.

Speaker 2: 14:54
That was the case with me, to be quite frank, and uh, same here and uh, and you hang on to that because you think you don’t know if somebody else is going to come along, right, right, so you just want to think maybe this is the best, that’s that I’m I’m gonna get. So, um, you know, it takes a lot of courage, um, it takes a lot of faith, uh, to to step away, to step back and say, you know, I’m honestly like out of. With all due respect, I just don’t feel an attraction here, or I don’t think this is gonna work. I wish you the best and just walk away rather than letting it linger and I’ve made that mistake in the past where I’ve let a courtship linger for longer than it should have and, um, and yeah, that was a huge lesson for me okay.

Speaker 1: 15:47
Well, when I come, when it’s my turn to share my mistakes, I’m gonna share something very similar, um, that I’m sure many girls can relate to. But, like thinking about all these mistakes you did, do you think now like if you weren’t married and you are looking right now for somebody, you would have this clarity or you would do the same mistakes again?

Speaker 2: 16:17
It’s easy for me to say that now right, it’s an unfair question. Yeah kind of um. I think it’s hard to keep your emotions and desires in check, um and uh, not all of us have the discipline of yusuf alayhis salam although I wish, I wish I did.

Speaker 2: 16:38
Um, but uh, I think, yes, I would be crystal clear about my deal breakers, um, so that would save me a lot of time and heartache. Um, I would understand the importance of being patient, um not letting a courtship linger on more than it has to. Ideally, yes, because I’ve learned from that mistake. So, yeah, I think I would be more tactful in my approach at this point in my life if I was single ok, I guess with age comes wisdom.

Speaker 2: 17:17
I guess I don’t consider myself a very wise person, but I thought you’re gonna say I don’t.

Speaker 1: 17:23
I don’t consider myself an old person, okay, so we hope any of the listeners could relate to that. Whether it’s a guy or a girl, yeah, we all make mistakes, and if you can work on just one thing that would make your journey easier and bring you closer to finding the right person, then we’ve done a good job today all right till next time.

Speaker 2: 17:51
Next time.