Episode 2: Tales of Matchmaking from Myth to Modernity

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba.

Speaker 2: 0:02
And I’m Zaid.

Speaker 1: 0:03
You’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to episode 2. We’re going to go into the history of matchmaking two, where we’re going to go into the history of matchmaking. We were doing a lot of research for this episode and we found some very interesting things that matchmaking, of course, everybody knows it’s very common in the Desi culture, but also it’s pretty common in Arab culture, and that was something that was new for me.

Speaker 1: 0:44
Yeah, you didn’t know that.

Speaker 2: 0:45
I had no idea that you guys actually had a word for it.

Speaker 1: 0:48
Yeah, it’s called khattaba, like the lady who arranges engagements.

Speaker 2: 0:53
So I’m curious to know how different or similar is it To how we do it in the Desi culture?

Speaker 1: 0:59
So the khattaba usually is an older lady, she knows everybody in the community and she goes into houses and just does her thing. Khattaba usually is an older lady, she knows everybody in the community and she goes into houses and just does her thing. But it’s not. I don’t know if it still exists these days. Honestly, Like, if you say the word Khattaba in front of any Arab, they will think of a Syrian, like some Syrian show that aired during Ramadan, if any Arabs are listening, like Bab al-Hara and Al-Khawali. All of this because there was usually Imzaki, this lady. She was the khattaba of the community.

Speaker 2: 1:39
Okay, was she like this very annoying, intrusive woman that was?

Speaker 1: 1:43
trying to get in touch. She was a large lady. She was annoying and nosy. But how is it in the Desi culture?

Speaker 2: 1:55
There is that similarity. You know, it’s usually somebody that’s pretty well connected, somebody that has a large database, but the thing that you told me in our culture that it’s looked down upon for some reason.

Speaker 1: 2:07
Yes, yes.

Speaker 2: 2:08
But you always call it ayib, which means shameful.

Speaker 1: 2:11
Yeah, or unacceptable. So if anybody’s using a matchmaker these days, they wouldn’t want anyone to know because it gives that impression that you’re so desperate that you couldn’t get married. Nobody wants you and you had to turn to a khattaba. But honestly I don’t know if there are still any khattabas, if this practice still exists.

Speaker 2: 2:33
Yeah, in our culture there’s no shame associated with it. I mean, it does kind of make you look desperate, but it’s pretty common that you know. The Indians, pakistanis, use matchmakers. So when I was looking to get married, I was using a matchmaker, I think towards the last few years of my search, and I remember one matchmaker in Pakistan who, of course, wanted to buy a data from me.

Speaker 2: 3:03
So for those of you guys that don’t know what a bio data is, it’s basically a marriage resume and I’m this bio data and every like they see matchmaker, if they’re like super old school, they’ll probably ask you for a bio data. And what that is is you putting on this form, how much you earn, what your occupation is sometimes, what your parents earn, what your caste is sometimes, which is very shocking. Sometimes they want to know even how much your parents earn, Wow, yeah. And then, of course, there is a little section about what you’re looking for and your values and stuff like that, but the focus is usually on occupation and lineage and you know what village or city you’re from in India or Pakistan Sounds like it’s more detailed than a police investigation.

Speaker 2: 3:57
Yeah, so these are the things that unfortunately get highlighted. And the funny thing is is that if you’re a doctor, engineer or lawyer, you’re the cream of the crop, you’re like the top of the stack with these resumes, and when you know somewhere in the middle, they’re like, you know, maybe business owners, or if you do, earn six figures working in another occupation, and at the bottom are like the plumbers and teachers and other laborers and stuff. So there is a hierarchy in this system, unfortunately. Um, but you guys call it a rishta auntie, right? Yes, yes, so the term we have is rishta auntie. Um arishta means um like proposal, so like the auntie who’s in in charge of um organizing proposals.

Speaker 1: 4:42
basically yeah, yeah. Well, I was surprised to see that it is still practiced, especially for people of higher class. When we watched that show Seema Aunty, what’s it called Indian Matchmaker All her clients were like upper class.

Speaker 2: 5:00
Well, they fly Seema Aunty in from India. They have to be. Yeah, yeah. But when we did a little bit more research about the topic, Well, they fly C-19 from India, so they have to be yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:05
But when we did a little bit more research about the topic, we found that matchmaking dates back to the times of ancient Greece. So back then it was called and let me see if I can pronounce it right premonistria. Premonistria is the practice of matchmaking in the day of ancient Greece and even in Japan it’s called Omiyayi and it began in the aristocracy in the 12th century and it was still practiced up until the Second World War. And even the Jewish community they have their own practice as well. It’s called the Shaduach matching and it is still practiced as well amongst the Orthodox community. So it’s interesting to see that it has always been there and in some cultures it is still practiced. But honestly, zaid, going to university, studying for so many years, earning multiple degrees, I’ve never in my life thought I’m going to be a matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 6:13
Yeah, it’s interesting Between the two of us. We have, I think, seven, eight degrees right.

Speaker 1: 6:18
Something like that.

Speaker 2: 6:19
That’s crazy. I mean myself, alhamdulillah. I did my undergrad in psych and then I became a certified yoga instructor. I did theater arts for two years and then also became a Montessori trained teacher, and now I’m a matchmaker.

Speaker 1: 6:35
Yeah, nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 2: 6:37
What about you?

Speaker 1: 6:38
Well, I have my BSc in engineering, bachelor’s of art in sharia and master’s in sharia as well in tafsir and, like you said, now I’m a matchmaker and I have no problem saying that, even though sometimes we get some judgmental looks or some comments like what are you doing with your life? Right I guess that’s true for any kind of risk involved entrepreneurship, which most entrepreneurship is um getting judged or second guessed. But regardless, alhamdulillah we enjoy what we do yeah and um.

Speaker 2: 7:14
We have our moments of frustration and sadness. Sadness ups and downs, but the work is very rewarding.

Speaker 1: 7:21
Alhamdulillah. So how does Halal Match work?

Speaker 2: 7:25
It’s a very thorough step-by-step process. So the first step, I would say, is a discovery call where we schedule a call with anybody looking to come on board as a client. It’s a free discovery call and on that call we assess maturity, we assess whether or not they have some sort of clarity as to what they want in a spouse and you know if they’re emotionally stable and things like that. And if we do take them on board as a client, they fill out a registration form. That registration form is much different than a bio data. It’s very lengthy. There are two basic parts to the registration form. The first part is the superficial stuff age, location, height, ethnicity, things of that nature and the second part are values and passions. You know, what are you passionate about, what are your future goals, what are you religious expectations of a spouse, what are your realistic expectation of a spouse, and also some scenario based questions. And that that form becomes our guiding compass in finding a spouse or finding a match. And when we do find a match we schedule a video call where we show pictures of the match, we share a video introduction of the match and share some information from the form. And if both matches like what they see and they want to move forward.

Speaker 2: 8:55
The final step, the third step, is a double date, where we do either a virtual or in-person double date. Double dates are super fun. We really pamper our clients and if it’s in person, food and drinks are included. The last double date we took them out to a pizza place. But the important thing is that we sit with the clients for three hours and they play play some custom-designed games. So when I say games, I’m not talking about Scrabble or Monopoly. We’re talking about specific games that we’ve designed that help them get to know one another for the purpose of marriage.

Speaker 1: 9:30
Actually, we crafted those games in an e-book. We call the Comparability Challenge.

Speaker 2: 9:35
It’s available on our website for purchase and, alhamdulillah’s, it’s our proud achievement yeah, we spent all months and months on it, and so if it’s an in-person double date, you know we will move to another table and give them some privacy. If it’s virtual, we’ll put them into a separate breakout room and after those three hours we follow up with them and if they want to move forward after that, then we consider it a successful match and our service ends at that point and it’s. It’s something this service itself has taken many years of revision, but alhamdulillah, we’ve reached a point where we’re very proud and we’ve had success stories. Just last december we were at the nick of two of our clients.

Speaker 1: 10:21
Oh, what a beautiful moment yeah it was a proud moment for us I felt like they were my children getting married it was really nice to get that invitation alhamdulillah. So what are some of the criticism we’re receiving?

Speaker 2: 10:35
some of the criticisms I’m like. One of them that still stays in my mind is somebody that felt our service was not Sharia compliant. When we explained to him that you know we sit with you for three hours, you’re never alone with the opposite gender, his first question right off the bat was are you telling me that the Wali is not there? And we said, no, brother W wali is not required to be there and we have consulted with sheikhs, but we as a married couple can do make sure that we are with you through the process.

Speaker 1: 11:09
And you’re meeting in public for the purpose of marriage.

Speaker 2: 11:12
Right, so you’re never alone with the opposite gender. So we made sure he was clear about that.

Speaker 1: 11:16
And the girl’s, wally, is aware that she’s coming to meet somebody with professional matchmakers.

Speaker 2: 11:20
Exactly. So I forgot to add that part that when a client, if it’s a female client, when she fills out the form, she checks the box saying that her Wally is aware that she’s using matchmakers. So I’m glad you pointed that out. So, yeah, so the point is is that our service doesn’t work for everyone. You know, some people are very conservative and they want that very conservative, traditional way of doing things and we respect them. And some people would say, well, why do you need to be there?

Speaker 1: 11:45
Oh yeah, Can I just take the number and we figure things out?

Speaker 2: 11:49
Yeah, and can I just meet the girl in a public place? What’s the harm in doing that? We say no, sorry. This is our service and we want to make sure it’s grounded in the Quran and Sunnah and Alhamdulillah, we have found a middle ground and we have gotten the approval of scholars, and you were very proud of the work we’re doing, alhamdulillah.

Speaker 1: 12:09
Alhamdulillah. And actually, while researching about matchmaking, we were surprised to see that it has a history from the time of the Prophet. Peace be upon him. So, for anybody who doesn’t know the story of Khadijah, peace be upon her, her marriage. The Prophet peace be upon him. Listen to this. It’s a really cool story. You want to tell it, zaid?

Speaker 2: 12:30
Sure. So the Prophet peace be upon Prophet was employed by Khadija and he took her caravan and, alhamdulillah, made lots of money for her, and she was just not impressed by his skills as a trader, but his honesty and his integrity, and so that really left an impression on her. But at this point in her life she was married and widowed twice. She had children from previous marriages, and so marriage wasn’t exactly something that was on her mind.

Speaker 2: 13:03
She was an older lady and she was much older. And so a friend by the name of Nafisa bint Umayyah approached her and was talking to her about the Prophet peace be upon him and she mentioned the idea of marriage. You know, you’re clearly so taken away by this man. Why don’t you consider him for marriage? And she said well, are you sure he would be interested? I’m a much older woman, I have children. She had a list of reasons Of why it wouldn’t work, so Nafisa left her and approached the Prophet.

Speaker 1: 13:42
She asked him have you thought about marriage and stuff? And he said that he’s focused on making money so he can Take care of his uncle, because he felt like he was in debt and that it for him yeah, I did it to him, to her right and then Khadija said sorry and Nafisa said what if I tell you about a woman who was ability? She’s rich, she’s respected. And he said who?

Speaker 2: 14:09
she said Khadija it’s like a good TV, which he even be interested in me. Would she consider me right? Yeah, they both had their doubts yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: 14:19
And she said oh, you know, let me go and ask her exactly.

Speaker 2: 14:22
So she went back and she said to her you know, prophet is interested actually, and so, alhamdulillah, she had her creative way of making this work. And you know the the nikah itself was conducted by Awal Qabi Naufal, her cousin.

Speaker 2: 14:39
Her cousin and the mahir was, I believe, 500 dirhams and it was the the first marriage of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and it was a beautiful story and and it was, yeah, it was a beautiful story and it was kind of a boost for us to knowing that we were reviving a tradition that was practiced during the Prophet.

Speaker 1: 15:00
Even his marriage, alayhi salam to Aisha and to Sauda, happened through a matchmaker, Khawla bint Hakim.

Speaker 2: 15:07
And, yeah, she was a close companion of the Prophet. But yeah, there were matchmakers back then, there are matchmakers now and, inshaallah, this tradition continues and we continue to make rides and marriages happen and yeah, we love it yeah. Alhamdulillah. So hopefully you guys benefited from this episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. If there’s a topic you guys want us to discuss, feel free to leave it in the comment section. And until next time.

Speaker 1: 15:40
Okay, assalamualaikum.

Speaker 2: 15:41
Assalamualaikum.