Episode 26: Early Nikah: Practicality vs. Stigma

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba. Assalamu alaikum everyone, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, we matched a girl recently girl and a guy, obviously and we were very excited because it was one of the quickest matches we’ve done. Girl signed up and I think it was within a month.

Speaker 2: 0:42
Alhamdulillah, we were able to find a good match for her and we know her pretty well, and we met up with her recently and asked her you know, how are things going? How are things moving along? And she was very excited. She said she’s got her engagement scheduled and they’re planning a wedding date early next year. However, one frustration that she did mention is that, um, she and and the guy, they both wanted to have an early nikah so that, of course, they can make everything halal, they can spend time together, go out, hang out, just make it more comfortable and, of course, keep everything um and um. Of course, what would you expect?

Speaker 2: 1:31
Culture came into play. All right, um, culture reared its ugly head, I guess, and, um, you know, family got involved and they said no, we’re gonna have the, the nikah and the marriage on the same day. So I could understand where she was coming from and the frustration, because you know we live in a society that you know that accepts guys and girls outside of the bounds of marriage just hanging out, holding hands, kissing and things like that and they just want to make things as legit as possible you know, even uh like something as something as simple as a phone conversation, like without a nikah it’s it’s going to be very, very formal and you can express your excitement, your feelings the girl has to always stay within her hijab, and it’s it.

Speaker 1: 2:23
It doesn’t make it easy, yeah yeah, so it’s.

Speaker 2: 2:28
It’s sad because I feel, at least in the past five maybe let’s push it back to maybe 10 years um, this was at least in in desi culture it wasn’t that common, all right, where you have a nikah and then a marriage maybe three, six months down the line. Um, usually nikah and marriage happens the same day. I’ve seen it with my friends. We actually did it too where we had our nikah like within the first week that we met and then we wanted to have our wedding later on, because it’s like I said we want people are expressing a need to be together, right To hang out, but do it under the umbrella of Islamic guidelines.

Speaker 1: 3:12
Yeah. So why is it that there is so much pushback on this? I think one of the fears is because if God forbids, the wedding doesn’t happen, they break up, then it’s considered a divorce, Even though they haven’t consummated the marriage, they haven’t moved in together, but it’s considered a divorce, right.

Speaker 2: 3:34
Right, but which could also happen after the ceremony too. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:38
Right.

Speaker 2: 3:39
So I think the other reason is that people don’t want to say this, but the underlying fear is what if they consummate and, God forbid, maybe she gets pregnant before the marriage date?

Speaker 1: 3:53
Which there’s nothing wrong with that. Islamically, there’s nothing wrong with that, because they are married.

Speaker 2: 3:56
Islamically, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I can see from a cultural standpoint like oh my God, my daughter didn’t even have the wedding ceremony, but she’s pregnant, it looks weird. Oh my, god my daughter didn’t even have the wedding ceremony, but she’s pregnant, it looks, it looks, it looks weird. Right like okay, islamically okay, but it does kind of still look weird in the arab community.

Speaker 1: 4:11
How does it happen? Uh, if the families are more on the religious side, then they would have a nikah early and wedding later. If they are, like, not that religious, or maybe they’re more cultural than religious, like in the case of my sister and her husband. For example, they had the nikah two days before the actual wedding right.

Speaker 2: 4:36
So it depends. So it’s closer to the wedding Interesting, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:42
So it depends right. But, let’s say, if a nikah happens before the actual wedding, then we don’t have that fear of pregnancy and stuff, because it’s understood that there’s no consummation happens.

Speaker 2: 4:53
However, there is one thing I feel like you forgot to mention when you guys do an engagement Islamically, you’re also performing the nikah right Islamically, you’re married.

Speaker 1: 5:02
No.

Speaker 2: 5:03
Right.

Speaker 1: 5:08
Isn’t that how?

Speaker 2: 5:08
it works in art of culture.

Speaker 1: 5:09
No so there is no concern about pregnancy because there is no consummation. It’s just so. The girl can take off her hijab. They can talk freely spend time together, but even some families they don’t allow the guy and the girl to even go out together alone, even though they had their nikah. Yeah, yeah, um, so that’s it for us. But I guess in the dc uh community, if the guy and a girl have nikah then it’s okay to consummate no, no, as far as I’ve seen, no okay, they’re not, so that there’s a kind of.

Speaker 2: 5:46
So there is a mutual understanding between families that there will be no consummation. But you know, you guys can hang out and be free to do you know hold hands and whatever but uh, there’s a mutual understanding that there wouldn’t be any consummation okay, so I guess it’s the same way, uh, in our culture, yeah, and then that’s the whole concept of the rook city. Rook city means like, I think what it means is that it’s letting go of the bride right so that now he, she, is your responsibility, and so you are free to consummate this, okay.

Speaker 1: 6:16
We call it talaa Talaa, as in getting out when the girl gets out of her parents’ house.

Speaker 2: 6:22
Okay.

Speaker 1: 6:22
Yeah.

Speaker 2: 6:23
Okay, so yeah, there’s a lot of commonalities between the culture.

Speaker 1: 6:28
Now, islamically speaking, if the nikah takes place, there are legal implications and there is a difference if the consummation happens or it doesn’t happen. So let’s say, for example, a guy and a girl, they have their nikah. If they haven’t consummated, then let’s say God forbid. The marriage breaks apart. The guy has to pay half of the mahr for the girl.

Speaker 2: 6:55
Okay.

Speaker 1: 6:57
Before consummating Unless the girl forgives.

Speaker 2: 7:01
Okay.

Speaker 1: 7:01
And it’s encouraged to forgive. Allah, subh’anahu Wa Ta-A’la said وَأَن تَعْفُو أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَةِ. If you forgive, it’s closer to taqwa, it’s better. Okay, her to taqwa, it’s better. If the consummation happens. Whether she moved in, whether they had actual wedding itself or not, if the consummation happens, marriage breaks apart, then she’s entitled to the full mahr, of course okay yeah. So I think sometimes people they don’t have this in mind and they get excited about having an early nikah but, without knowing the legal implications of that.

Speaker 2: 7:39
So I guess that that means there’s more of an argument to have the the nikah and marriage ceremony together, because right because there’s this because, the way you just phrased it, I feel like there’s a lot at stake.

Speaker 1: 7:55
Well, like you said, the marriage could fall apart after the wedding. So if you’re coming to a marriage with this mentality of what if divorce happens? What if it doesn’t work? Then, like, you’re coming with all these bad, negative expectations and yeah, so you don’t want to come to a marriage with this kind of energy, right?

Speaker 2: 8:15
I mean personally. I mean we all we had our nikah. I don’t know if I mentioned this in the beginning. We had our nikah and then we uh, early on, and then we planned a wedding later on. Um, so I’m for an early nikah, yeah, um, but after hearing, because I didn’t know this piece, the legal implications, so I don’t know. I guess it is kind of a scary thought.

Speaker 1: 8:41
It’s not really Because, like I said, nobody enters a marriage with a thought of it breaking apart. So if you chose right, if you both assess compatibility before you actually had the nikah, if everything is clear, your deal breakers are clear, everything’s okay, then there is no reason to fear the breaking of the marriage right Right Now when we say early nikah, obviously we mean that after the necessary questions have been asked, right after you guys have thoroughly assessed compatibility, maybe even gone through some premarital training.

Speaker 2: 9:22
Um, both the families are on board, all of those things. We’re not talking about making an impulsive decision of course not all right um, so all of those things have been done, and then you know, now it’s just a matter of waiting for the marriage date. Why wait?

Speaker 1: 9:36
So you know the mistake that a lot of people, at least in my community, do. They have the nikah with the mentality that this is an engagement and they actually start.

Speaker 2: 9:49
So that is a practice then?

Speaker 1: 9:51
Like it’s. I don’t know the way it’s conceived. They do realize, they recognize that it’s a nikah because they do the katb, al-kitab, they do sign the contract, there is witnesses and all of that. But for some reason they start assessing compatibility after the nikah happens, because to them consummation didn’t happen, we didn’t have a wedding.

Speaker 2: 10:15
The girl is still living in her parents house, so the girl’s still living in her parents house.

Speaker 1: 10:20
This means they’re not really married, right?

Speaker 2: 10:23
even though they are even though they are yeah and a lot of times, like you said, like marriages, nikahs break but it’s not because they had an early nikah, because they didn’t do the leg work before having the nikah are there examples that we can give from the seerah or anything from the Quran that you can think?

Speaker 1: 10:45
of well. The prophet did marry Aisha when she was young, right in Mecca, and then three years later, when she was young, right In Mecca, and then, three years later, when she was at the marriage of maturity.

Speaker 2: 11:00
Of biological age.

Speaker 1: 11:01
Exactly, they did consummate the marriage. So it’s not a foreign concept to the culture, Islamic culture in general. So we are for having an early nikah. And again, when we say early we don’t mean early before you do the legwork.

Speaker 2: 11:21
Early, as in before the actual wedding. We’re not saying make an impulsive decision, exactly.

Speaker 1: 11:27
Like, even if you think you’re going to be able to just control your conversations and have strict formal conversation, all of that, maybe it’s going to be easy in the first week, but later on it’s going to be very difficult if you want to keep things halal with the like, having the barakah there, and you are certain about your choice, about the person, then we do encourage having an early nikah um, even if you’re not going to consummate.

Speaker 1: 11:58
If there’s an understanding between the families you’re not going to consummate, then you gotta respect that, of course yeah, okay.

Speaker 2: 12:04
So question for you how should a girl or a guy um talk to the parents about this? Parents are adamant. Mom dad is adamant, saying no, this is not acceptable. We, you guys, can’t have an early nikah on and we’re going to schedule it in along with your wedding so how would you kind of guide them towards having that?

Speaker 1: 12:30
so I would try to understand from my parents why they have this concern, why they want to push the nikah. If they have valid concerns that could actually be cleared, then maybe those concerns should be addressed. Like, for example, they say we’re still not sure about him, we’re still not sure you are ready.

Speaker 2: 12:54
Or maybe they just don’t feel like you guys can set firm boundaries.

Speaker 1: 12:59
Maybe that too Right.

Speaker 2: 13:01
Like maybe that you know there needs to be, like parents might not feel comfortable saying it, but, like I said before, underlying fears what if you know there’s consummation Right?

Speaker 1: 13:12
So figuring out a way to address that and saying and setting boundaries to to prevent that, yeah, so listen to their concerns and maybe, if they are legitimate and you see that, okay, maybe, um, yeah, they want to assess more, maybe, whatever it is and if their concerns are not legit, like, for example, oh, he still doesn’t have a house, for example, well, that’s not a condition for anika right he’s still in university.

Speaker 1: 13:45
So what right um, so um. If the concerns could be cleared, then clear that with them. Remind them that we are trying to keep things halal, we’re trying to keep the barakah in our relationship. We’ve assessed, we are sure about each other.

Speaker 2: 14:02
Assure them that you’re gonna respect their wishes and their expectations and if they’re that stubborn, then there’s no need to just create a fight over it yeah, just control you be patient, control yourself, control the conversations and, inshallah, you’re gonna get to that date yeah, the one time I would be a big concern is if your parents are trying to push for you to have a wedding two years after your batpaki, or what’s what do you call batpaki in?

Speaker 2: 14:34
your arab culture. Basically, both parents are on the same page and they’re in agreeance about moving forward with the marriage. Um, and that’s a recipe for disaster. Or like you do not want to have a long-term engagement because you will always find something wrong with the potential spouse, right? Like this person does this wrong, they do this wrong, and the room for compromise kind of diminishes over time. Yeah, so shorten the time frame as much as possible, um, if you are able to get an early nick up, do that. Um, make sure you are able to get an early nikah. Do that. Make sure you are setting boundaries if your parents have any sort of concerns. And, of course, as always, make dua.

Speaker 1: 15:18
Yeah, actually I just remembered another two couples that we matched. They both had an early nikah and then months later they had the wedding and moved in together.

Speaker 2: 15:27
Yeah, you’re right Now that I think about them.

Speaker 1: 15:30
I think it’s more now becoming more common among this generation. It is this gen.

Speaker 2: 15:35
Actually a lot of my friends did that. So I would say, personally I’ve been seeing it for the past 10 years and I hope it continues yeah, yeah, I really do, we’re all for it. You know, any way you can, you know, avoid fitna by trying to make things halal.

Speaker 1: 15:51
By all means go for it so, uh, if there are any specific topics you would like us to discuss, if we have some knowledge about it, we would love to dedicate an episode or experience, or experience so please leave a review, a comment or or send us fan mail. You can email us as well at info at halalmatchca, and we would love to take your suggestions.

Speaker 2: 16:17
Until next time, assalamu alaikum, assalamu alaikum.