Episode 27: We Didn’t Have Chemistry But..

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in Bismillah.

Speaker 1: 0:17
Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. This is your matchmaker, hiba, and on the other mic is my husband, zaid.

Speaker 2: 0:24
Assalamu alaikum everyone.

Speaker 1: 0:26
Zaid, when we were talking, did you feel an instant spark? Did you feel the doves flying above your head and the butterflies in the stomach?

Speaker 2: 0:36
Not at all.

Speaker 1: 0:37
Wow.

Speaker 2: 0:39
Not at all. For the first few weeks that we were talking, I thought this was a waste of time.

Speaker 1: 0:46
So you thought you were wasting my time and you decided to continue.

Speaker 2: 0:50
I was like well, this girl showed interest in me. What the hell do I have to lose? Let’s give this a shot.

Speaker 1: 0:55
Okay, girls, you heard that. Never approach a guy, wait until he comes and begs.

Speaker 2: 1:01
Exactly Like. How often does a girl come along saying I liked your pictures or I read your profile, so I’m like, okay, this is different.

Speaker 1: 1:13
I know this girl is crazy or blind.

Speaker 2: 1:15
That’s for another episode.

Speaker 1: 1:17
No, I’m joking Seriously. Did you feel any feelings? Not romantic feelings, I’m talking about excitement, the rush.

Speaker 2: 1:27
I think when we started connecting on those common interests, like art. We started talking about music and live theater and Dean and TV shows. Then, yes, the excitement did start to come in, because that connection started to get stronger Right, right, right. So yeah, then the excitement slowly started to kick in, okay, um, but no. If you’re asking, did I have sparks or doves when I saw your picture and read your profile?

Speaker 1: 1:54
no, okay, no, I meant when we started talking, when we started talking um, not for the first few days, no, no okay I don Okay, not until we started getting into the mutual interests and stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 2:08
Okay, well, I think for me I also. When I read your profile and saw your pictures, I liked what I saw, but I didn’t feel like the butterflies and all of that. But, similar to you, as we started talking and seeing how similar our way of thinking is and goals and expectations, like every time something would click. I’m like, oh my God, he thinks the same way. Oh my God, he wants this as well.

Speaker 1: 2:36
So that’s when it started and I think a lot of times people, when they are first meeting somebody, they’re expecting the spark from the beginning from unrealistic from the first call or from the first meeting or from just reading the profile, and a lot of times people miss out on great opportunities just because they didn’t feel the chemistry yeah, what is chemistry?

Speaker 2: 3:02
so according to dr Kelly Campbell, a university psychologist that we came across in our research, there’s different types of chemistry and specifically romantic chemistry focuses on characteristics between two people. That includes mutual interest, similarities and intimacy, and the more present these characteristics are, the more likely two individuals will perceive chemistry between each other. So further on in the article, what they’re saying is that over time chemistry does build, that you can build chemistry with someone. But even in the research there is no indication that there is some sort of sudden spark or sudden chemistry that you will find in an initial meeting with someone.

Speaker 1: 3:47
Yeah, but in all fairness, there is the excitement of meeting somebody new and it does like not mess around, but it does play with the hormones.

Speaker 2: 3:57
So two commonly known hormones called dopamine and oxytocin do come into play when we talk about chemistry. Dopamine is the same hormone that gets activated when you’re on social media. It is very addictive, people are always craving it and it is obviously affiliated with pleasure, and oxytocin is the bonding hormone, and these come into play when we feel an attraction or chemistry with someone and it pulls us closer together.

Speaker 1: 4:28
So I guess the word chemistry isn’t arbitrary.

Speaker 2: 4:31
Right, it has a scientific basis to it, yeah, but the problem is that people are searching for it too early on Now, when we look at our service model and when we coach our clients. Because when we schedule a double date and for those of you who don’t know, when we find a match for our clients, we schedule a double date where we take them out to a public place or we do a virtual double date and prior to that, we like to coach them and to just give them some tips and advice on what to expect. And one of the things we talk about is to not look for an instant chemistry. Don’t look for that unrealistic spark, because it’s it only exists in the movies. Actually, it may happen.

Speaker 2: 5:14
There might be that one in a million chance where you just have that instant spark, but don’t come in with that expectation. Instead, what you’re looking for and in fact when we did our research, they said the same thing that you should be looking for similar core values, values, expectations, similar interests. These things will allow you to form a foundation and you can build upon that for marriage. And then the things you can build upon that will further lead to chemistry and a closer connection and further compatibility. All those things that encompass chemistry will come in time once you have the foundation. You can’t start putting the windows in the roof when you don’t have the foundation.

Speaker 1: 5:58
Yeah, yeah, right, yeah. And also keep an eye for too strong and too soon of a chemistry, because if you’re only looking for chemistry and nothing else, then you could end up with the wrong person that you feel this rush, you’re attracted to them and all of that. But realistically, you want kids, he doesn’t want kids. You prioritize the dean. He’s more on the liberal end, different lifestyle expectations, all of that. In that case, what good will chemistry do you?

Speaker 2: 6:31
Exactly, it can be a red flag.

Speaker 1: 6:33
Can be a red flag.

Speaker 2: 6:34
Yeah, red flag, of course.

Speaker 1: 6:34
yeah, um so what are some signs of chemistry? Let’s say two people are talking. They see they have similar values, similar expectations. They are attracted to each other. What are some signs for chemistry?

Speaker 2: 6:48
um that you have mutual interests, um that you can talk about anything. In some cases and I know this happens a lot in the movies you’re finishing each other’s sentences.

Speaker 1: 7:00
I guess comfortability.

Speaker 2: 7:02
Comfortability.

Speaker 1: 7:03
Like you look forward to the next time you’re going to talk or there is no awkward silence. You’re fully engaged. You’re both engaged, you’re present.

Speaker 2: 7:16
You’re present. You’re both engaged, You’re present.

Speaker 1: 7:17
You’re present, you’re emotionally available.

Speaker 2: 7:20
Yeah, and the only way these things will happen is if there is that first connection on values and interests and things like that right.

Speaker 2: 7:30
So, using our example for let’s just use our example when the reason we had alhamdulillah, we had some chemistry later down the road was because we were first connecting on art, we were connecting on Dean, on important things, and that foundation got built, and then we had the excitement and the rush and you know we were just excited to talk to each other because we had the excitement and the rush, and you know we were just excited to talk to each other because we had the foundation yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:01
I think a lot of times, attraction is uh confused with chemistry. Like you’re, you’re attracted to this person. They’re so handsome or you like the way they carry themselves, uh, the way they talk, I don’t know, they’re very chic and you confuse that with chemistry, when you could have no common values whatsoever.

Speaker 2: 8:22
So it makes sense that dating is not allowed in Islam, right? Right, because if you think about the concept of dating, it’s all about building that chemistry right, building that connection. Dating it’s all about building that chemistry right, building that connection um. You know, love and things like that. Love the person, or what do they say? Marry the person you love, instead of um. Love the person you marry in islam. You love the person. You marry outside of islam. You marry the person you love.

Speaker 2: 8:49
I guess right, um, but yeah, it makes sense, right? I mean, if you look at, I mean, these are non-muslims that are conducting this research and there’s a reason that it goes in line with Islam, because you can’t deny what the research says. Yeah yeah, Right that if you’re chasing chemistry, then you are overlooking aspects that are more important and that will lead to longevity in marriage hopefully.

Speaker 1: 9:19
So let’s say a guy and a girl are talking. The guy went to the girl’s house, met her parents and they agreed that they’re going to start talking to assess compatibility. What should they avoid in order not to fall in the trap of chemistry?

Speaker 2: 9:36
So we talked about this in one of the previous episodes, about asking the right questions, coming prepared with some questions, but at the same time, don’t treat it as an interview, please avoid that. But it involves having some sort of clarity about yourself, right? It involves having some sort of clarity about yourself, right? Clarity about who you are, your values, your goals, your family dynamic, who would be a good fit for your family. And once you’re clear about those things, then you can work on some questions so that you’re not wasting time. And those questions should be rooted in your core values, in your expectations and goals. And once those questions are answered and hopefully they align with what you’re looking for, then slowly but surely that strong foundation will be built.

Speaker 1: 10:31
One more thing that gets confused with chemistry is actually emotions, and this is to all my girls out there listening is actually emotions, and this is to all my girls out there listening. Try, when you’re talking to somebody, try as much as you can to think with your mind. Use reason and not emotions.

Speaker 2: 10:43
Think with your head and not your heart.

Speaker 1: 10:45
Exactly. I know it’s easier said than done, so I’m not going to say think 100% reasonably and not emotionally, but as much as you can, because emotions play tricks on us and you could feel, you could think that this person is so compatible with you just because you feel this rush, or they’re so handsome or whatever, but when in fact you have no common values and goals.

Speaker 2: 11:12
It’s important that girls understand, obviously, from the get-go, have their wali involved in the process, and the reason for that is because in the game of chemistry, you know, emotions can get the best of you right. That’s why they say love is blind, right, and your wali can look at things objectively yeah, from a different angle. From a different angle, but, more importantly, look at it objectively, devoid of emotions, and see and granted that your Wali knows you and knows your best interests and knows what you’re looking for and is looking out for your interests and not his own. Always have your Wali involved and continue to have those conversations with your Wali. You know, whenever you have questions regarding compatibility, if you feel like you know that rush is coming in, those dopamine hits are starting to take over and you’re getting that excitement, that’s okay. But make sure your Wali is involved, right, make sure that you are bouncing ideas and questions and everything off your wali because, like I said, love is blind.

Speaker 1: 12:28
Yeah, yeah, and actually this is why istikhara is so important, especially when talking about marriage, because sometimes we get, like you said said, wrapped up in the emotions and that excitement and we think we know what’s best for us, but sometimes what we want looks very different from what we need. Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, knows in his ilm if this person is good for you or not. So keep making istikhara, keep seeking guidance from Allah and don’t just rely on your Intelligence and your emotions.

Speaker 2: 13:03
Actually, there’s a verse in the Quran.

Speaker 1: 13:16
I don’t know if it’s good for you and you may love something, want something and it’s actually bad for you. So if the marriage doesn’t happen, if that engagement falls apart, don’t be too upset about it, because Allah knows that Even though you felt the chemistry, you thought this is your prince. You thought she’s your princess.

Speaker 2: 13:42
Allah knows it wasn’t going to be good for both of you, which is the end of the ayah which I should have said وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ, وَأَنْتُمْ أَتَعْلَمُونَ.

Speaker 1: 13:48
And Allah knows and you do not know Exactly. Let us know in the comments. Do you think you could get married to someone without feeling the chemistry, or do you think chemistry is a must?

Speaker 2: 14:03
Yeah, that’s a good question. Yeah, yeah, and, as always, you can leave a comment on Spotify. You can shoot a message, I think, through Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1: 14:13
You can leave a comment as well on Apple Podcasts and you can send us a private mail. It’s a fan mail, it’s 100% private. Just if you have a question, an idea, maybe a suggestion for a future episode, we are here, yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:27
And in case you are interested in our service or you know somebody that’s looking for help finding a spouse, you can check out our website wwwhalalmatchca and you can contact us through the wwwhalalmatchca and you can contact us through the website. Yeah, all right, until next time, assalamualaikum. Assalamualaikum.