Episode 29:What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

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A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

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We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

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So let’s dive in Bismillah.

Speaker 1: 0:18
Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. This is your matchmaker, hiba, and on the other mic is your matchmaker, zaid.

Speaker 2: 0:24
Assalamu alaikum everyone.

Speaker 1: 0:26
Waalaikumussalam, fun fact Zaid did you know that the name of Allah, allah, is derived from love.

Speaker 2: 0:35
I actually learned that recently. Uh, I was watching an Ustaz Noaman video and he was talking about, uh, the depth of the arabic language and um so and I I learned that that word allah actually does come from love. But that was recent. I did not know that prior to that okay, subhanallah.

Speaker 1: 0:55
So the word allah come from comes from uh ilah and ilah is derived from walah.

Speaker 1: 1:03
Walah is the number 13, either 13 or 12, from the 14 levels of love in the Arabic language, and this type of love makes you forget about all your burdens. You don’t feel pain, you don’t feel the weight of the world because you’re so in love with this person. You don’t feel the weight of the world because you’re so in love with this person. And, subhanallah, many people say how come the word love, hubb, is not mentioned in the Quran when talking about spouses, when the word love is instilled in the name of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala?

Speaker 2: 1:39
Yeah, that’s an interesting point and actually I didn’t know that, that the word hubb is not mentioned in the quran, but there are different forms of it, like the, the, I I believe it’s sort of fat uh, where it says well, yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:54
So different uh forms of the word love, uh yeah, yeah. So why are we talking about love today? What does love have to do with marriage?

Speaker 2: 2:02
exactly? Is love okay before marriage? Is it acceptable? Um, so that’s what we want to talk about because, um, you know, love is just one of those things that kind of gets pushed aside when we talk about marriage, planning for marriage, uh, because we get so caught up with the legal aspects, with making sure there’s no potential for Zina or anything like that, Making sure the conditions of the nikah are met. But the goal of marriage is fulfillment. It’s love, it’s joy, all of those things.

Speaker 1: 2:47
Allah says in Surah Ar-Rum I’m sure everyone is familiar with this, ayah. You find it on every wedding invitation. But what it basically says that, from amongst his signs, is that he created from you, for you, spouses so that you may find tranquility and peace and love in them. So, first of all, um, the love between spouses. This is a sign from allah. When you think about your spouse, your relationship with them, it’s supposed to remind you of allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. And the second thing is allah created us from each other, so he could have created men from one species and women from another species, but he created Hawa, or Adam’s wife, from him, because of the closeness we have to each other, subhanallah.

Speaker 2: 3:37
Yeah, that’s an interesting point.

Speaker 1: 3:39
So, like you said, when talking about marriage and preparing for marriage, pre-marital workshops, pre-marital training. So, like you said, when talking about marriage and preparing for marriage, premarital workshops, premarital training, we’re always talking about rights and responsibilities and contract and all of that.

Speaker 2: 3:58
Yeah, and we get also hung up on the fear of divorce.

Speaker 1: 4:02
Divorce, all of that. That which, of course, are very important, right, but we forget to talk about the core purpose of marriage which is love, so is it okay to love before marriage?

Speaker 2: 4:16
um, so that’s kind of a loaded question. Uh, it’s okay to have feelings for somebody. You can’t help the feelings you have in your heart. The question is how well are you going to tame those feelings? Are you going to act upon those feelings and do something that’s outside the bounds of Sharia?

Speaker 1: 4:34
Yeah, the Prophet said I know nothing better for two people who love each other than nikah, than marriage. If you have those feelings towards someone, just take it, be direct. Try to approach the girl or the girl’s parents and express your interest in their daughter for marriage. What is better?

Speaker 2: 5:01
Um well, hold on, let’s pump the brakes just a little bit.

Speaker 2: 5:05
I would say first. So let’s say, you know let’s try to kind of expand on the situation a bit you know you’re in college or university and you know you’re in your twenties or early twenties and, um, there is somebody that you spent some time with and you’ve gotten to know her a little bit and you feel that she’s mature, um, she is somebody you can see fitting into your life, that somebody that aligns with your values, um, who shares some of the interests and goals that you have. But, let’s say, you’re not financially ready to get married. What do you do in that situation?

Speaker 2: 5:40
There are some things you can do if, um, you, if the only thing that’s preventing you from marriage is financial readiness, and you have somebody that you really like and you might even be infatuated with, because there is a difference between infatuation and love. But I don’t want to get sidetracked. So what do you do in this situation? Talk to your parents, say Mom, dad, there is somebody at school that I’m interested in, that I feel um is a good fit for me, a good fit for this family, who’s compatible with me, um, and uh, you know I’m, would you be open to possibly financially supporting me through that right? Um, see what that where that conversation goes. It’s all about just starting a conversation with your parents, because what I feel that some parents value in some situation, what some parents value more than financial readiness, is maturity responsibility.

Speaker 2: 6:41
You’re talking about the guy’s parents or the girl’s parents. I’m talking about the girl’s parents.

Speaker 1: 6:44
Okay, so, after talking to your parents and maybe they’re not able to support you, maybe your future father-in-law is willing to support you. We’ve heard of many stories where the father-in-law supported the son-in-law until he was done with school he had a stable job.

Speaker 2: 7:01
It happened with one of my friends.

Speaker 1: 7:03
Wow, that’s a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2: 7:05
Yeah, he was still in in school in professional school but father-in-law supported him and alhamdulillah, they’re doing very well now, that’s beautiful, so where there’s a will, there’s a way yeah okay, so don’t let financial readiness be a barrier towards marriage. There are different ways um to tackle that, that problem, um. But let’s say the problem is a bit more serious than that. You know, um, you are just not in a position where you can get financially ready anytime soon. Your parents are not able to support you. What do you do in that situation?

Speaker 1: 7:41
or maybe it’s not about finances, but you’re just unable to get married right now and you really like this girl, okay so then, busy yourself with things that will help you get ready Right.

Speaker 2: 7:52
There are things that you can do, for example, getting a second job. If you’re young, you have the energy and you really like somebody, then prove your worth and I’m obviously talking about guys here Whether it’s getting a second job, whether it’s getting on track towards getting ready for marriage, so taking on more financial responsibilities, whether it’s paying your own bills, taking care of your health.

Speaker 1: 8:22
Exactly. Go to the gym, take care of your health to prepare yourself for marriage. Involve yourself in ibadah, making dua, oh Allah. If she’s meant for me, then please make the road to marriage easy. Make it easy for me, make it easy for us to get married.

Speaker 2: 8:40
And if she’s not meant for me, then remove that desire from my heart, exactly.

Speaker 1: 8:44
Also, you can grow some skills that will help you get ready for marriage. A side hustle maybe? Yeah, um, there are a million and one things to do start saving yeah, but the first thing I would say is start taking different classes or try not to be uh too much around her, because if you’re gonna be seeing her every day, then it’s gonna be very hard to remove that desire from your heart yeah yeah, I feel that the early scholars they felt much more comfortable talking about love and unfortunately, today it’s um.

Speaker 1: 9:18
It’s very uncommon to find a sheikh or a dars where they’re discussing the topic of love, romantic love, and they’re focusing, like we said, more on the halal and haram, on the fiqh aspect, when, for example, ibn Hazm, which was a great scholar I don’t know in which year, but we’re talking about many, many, many years ago, probably over a thousand years ago he wrote a book that’s called Tawq al-Hamama, the Ring of the Dove, and it’s an extensive study that talks about love, talks about different states of love, stories about love, symptoms of love, and at the same time, he was a Dean scholar. I wish we can see that more in our time, even though today we’re much more modern.

Speaker 2: 10:10
Right, yeah, and the book’s actually been translated into English.

Speaker 1: 10:13
Yeah, many languages actually, yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:15
So the reason we’re bringing this up is because we don’t want to forget the goal of marriage. Right that marriage is about love. It’s also yes, it is a way to channel your desires. It is a way to grow spiritually, to have children To have children. Those things are important, but don’t forget that love does play a crucial role, right, and you know, as the saying goes goes that you love the one that you marry. You don’t marry the one that you love right that outside of islam, you know, people date, they live together.

Speaker 2: 10:50
We obviously, even in canada, we have a concept called common law, where you can just live together for x number of years and be considered a, you know, entered into a legal relationship. So, but in Islam you marry the person or you love the person that you marry. Sorry, yeah, because real love, true love it happens after you start living with them exactly after marriage, where you’ve seen them in multiple states.

Speaker 1: 11:17
Love comes with a sacrifice. Where you responsibility. Where you’ve seen them in multiple states, Love comes with sacrifice where you Responsibility. Responsibility where you wake up early to make his breakfast. You, I don’t know, you sacrifice things for each other.

Speaker 2: 11:31
You wake up early to make my breakfast.

Speaker 1: 11:33
What do you think? I don’t think those avocados make themselves.

Speaker 2: 11:39
Obviously, there’s a huge difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is when you haven’t taken the time to assess values, goals, expectations, um, you haven’t really given this person some uh, a clear thought yeah, sometimes you’re fine you’re just obsessed with the way she moves her hair and the way she talks and she’s got a voice like Celine Dion.

Speaker 1: 12:04
Or you find a girl. She’s so in love with this celebrity. Like girl, you’re not in love.

Speaker 2: 12:10
I remember you told me about that once I think it was an Egyptian actor that girls would pass out when they would see him.

Speaker 1: 12:17
Oh no, it’s worse. Abdul Halim Hafeziz when he passed away yeah some girls jumped from buildings killed themselves. Wow, yeah, yeah, that’s crazy, that’s crazy, yeah, but um, yeah, if you haven’t spoken to her yet, you just love the way she cares herself and her voice. If you haven’t spoken to him yet, then it’s 100, not love. This is um attraction, infatuation, liking, and true love comes after marriage yeah, um.

Speaker 2: 12:50
So, as I said, when those feelings start to enter your heart, try to find halal ways to channel them. Uh, start, con. Start with yourself before you even start with your parents. You know, you know what is it that you want out of life, what are your goals, expectations, your core values, and then start that conversation with your parents and just begin that journey because, these things take time right. Marriage is not an impulsive decision. It takes time, uh. And if you’re impulsive about it, then you know, god forbid, you’re setting yourself up for disaster.

Speaker 1: 13:23
Yeah, parting words. Marriage is beautiful, love is beautiful.

Speaker 2: 13:27
It’s not a cliche thing, it’s not just for teenagers.

Speaker 1: 13:30
Marriage is not all about responsibilities and expenses and groceries and children, and groceries and children. I pray that Allah grants every one of you who are looking to get married to grant them a loving spouse who would remind them of the signs of Allah. And let us know if you loved this episode or not. A good sign of love would be those beautiful five stars.

Speaker 2: 13:55
May Allah make the road to marriage easy for you. May he grant you suitable spouses. If you are looking to get married or you know somebody that needs help or just needs some tools to help assess compatibility, we have a wide array of resources on our website. We do workshops, we do private matchmaking, so definitely check out our website. If you have any questions, reach out to us through our website. Alalmashca.

Speaker 1: 14:22
Yeah, and we’d love to work with you Until next time.

Speaker 2: 14:25
All right. As-salamu alaykum.