Episode 31: Should You Marry From Back Home?

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba. And I’m Zaid, you’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba. Assalamu alaikum, alhamdulillah, we wrapped up another workshop. We conducted it at MNN Mosque, which is located in Mississauga right by everyone’s favorite spot, ridgeway Plaza.

Speaker 1: 0:38
Oh, that’s heaven.

Speaker 2: 0:39
Yes, we had some delicious Nahari afterwards too.

Speaker 1: 0:42
So anyone who doesn’t know what is Ridgeway Plaza, it’s this plaza of all ethnic restaurants, over 80 restaurants and whatever you dream of you can find it there.

Speaker 2: 0:53
Yeah, yeah. So, like I said, the workshop went very well. The thing that kind of threw us off was the lack of interaction.

Speaker 2: 1:04
surprisingly, actually, it was mostly the guys the sisters were interacting, right as usual, yeah guys are just sitting there looking, yeah and we kept throwing questions at them, saying hey guys, what do you think about this was? What did you answer on this question? Uh, we did some activities. So cairoro Time is a popular game we play where you make pyramids, you know, trying to reveal what your traits are and stuff, and the guys would just mute. It was strange. But you know, every workshop is a surprise and it’s a learning experience. So it was a good learning experience for us.

Speaker 2: 1:42
What I liked about the workshop is that it wasn’t segregated like yeah it makes a great difference, a big difference it does and and the reason we like that is because it allows guys and girls to see the responses and the expectations that each gender has, so that when they leave the workshop, inshallah, they have some tools, they have something in the back of their mind that they can use when, you know, starting on their journey.

Speaker 2: 2:11
Yeah, but when we were preparing today’s episode for and today’s episode is about the idea of marrying someone from back home, and when I was starting my search, I had, I was pretty solid in this theory, in this belief that you can never be compatible with somebody, uh, from back home, because, um, in order for there to be some level of compatibility, that person has to live in the same area or culture that you’ve grown up in. Right, so I’m ethnically Pakistani and I thought I could never marry somebody born and raised in Pakistan, because life in Pakistan is probably much different. The expectations and values of somebody growing up there is probably much different than somebody here. Now, the only way it could work is if somebody from Pakistan came over here. They lived here for some time, maybe did a graduate degree or whatever it might be, and then they’ve become accustomed to the way of life here and then, through that maybe there could be some compatibility Right.

Speaker 2: 3:21
And then you message me, and then that whole theory got turned upside down I’m sorry I ruined your theory yeah, so I learned a lot in my premarital journey and I’m still learning a lot and um, and today we want to talk a lot more about, you know, the pros and cons behind, uh, marrying somebody from back home. Uh, and there are a lot of pros and cons, yeah Right.

Speaker 1: 3:45
I think probably the cons are like overweigh the pros in terms of numbers, and this is what usually people think of, like they don’t think of the positives about marrying someone from back home.

Speaker 2: 3:59
They think about the negative yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:00
Probably because of some stories, some fraud stories that are out there.

Speaker 2: 4:05
The common immigration scam that you always hear about. Yeah, like goes, a guy got engaged to a girl from here in the us or canada. He came, he got the green card and then he divorced her. All right, I hear that story a lot. Um, so, yeah, those fears are are real, um, and they happen. But let’s start with the pros. What are some of the pros related to marrying somebody from back home?

Speaker 1: 4:31
I think a lot of times when people consider marrying someone from back home is because they want to preserve culture. They want to preserve the language and they want their children to speak the language and grow up in this environment.

Speaker 2: 4:45
Yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:46
So, and especially parents like a lot of times it’s parents who are pushing to get their children marrying to somebody from back home.

Speaker 2: 4:54
Yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:54
It is a big advantage. Actually A lot of people who grew up here. They don’t speak their parents’ language, like you, for example.

Speaker 2: 5:03
Yeah, I don’t speak Urdu. Urdu isn’t that great. My Urdu is terrible. I mean, my Urdu is better, my Urdu is terrible. But I see that Actually I’ve seen that in my first cousins too, where my uncle and aunt are really keen on preserving the culture and the language and the kids barely speak the language SubhanAllah. And parents are just like no, you have to marry somebody from Pakistan, you have to marry from, but I don’t understand why. So there’s a disconnect sometimes between the parents and the children.

Speaker 1: 5:32
Like, if you really want to preserve your culture as a parent, you should have taught your children the language and not just expect that they’ll marry someone from back home to keep the language in the family right right right but it is a big advantage and it’s not to be um taken lightly yeah, but um, okay, I mean we’ll get.

Speaker 2: 5:52
We’ll get into the cons later, but what’s it?

Speaker 1: 5:54
let’s get into another pro well, the obvious one is the options like it gives you way more options if you consider someone, uh, from back home. You never know who you’ll be compatible with, and the more options you have, the more flexible you are, then the higher chances you’ll find the right person right, exactly, flexibility opens doors.

Speaker 2: 6:16
Um, when I when you message me and I say this in the workshop all the time my fear was that, oh my God, I’m not going to find anything compatible with somebody from the Middle East. I don’t speak Arabic. I haven’t grown up there. There was a long list of fears and insecurities that I had. But when you push back on those fears and you learn to put your faith in Allah and you use your values and goals as your guiding compass instead of culture, it opens up doors.

Speaker 1: 6:52
Yeah.

Speaker 2: 6:53
Right and Alhamdulillah, doors started to open up. Once I did that, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. So always the more flexible you guys are, the more doors will open up. Once I did that, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. So always the more flexible you guys are, the more doors will open up. Right For sure, Also the interconnectedness of the world. Right when we started talking, we realized we watched and enjoyed a lot of the same TV shows. Right, Right, Friends house, the list goes on.

Speaker 1: 7:21
I still can’t believe you haven’t watched Frasier. Come on. I mean, I’m from the Middle East, and I’ve devoured the show.

Speaker 2: 7:28
It’s not that I knew of the show, but it wasn’t one of my favorite shows, I guess. But point being is that you know I’m not saying that our common interest in TV shows was one of the reasons we got married. Of course not. Of course not. But it’s just a small example of how the world is so interconnected.

Speaker 1: 7:48
But it’s never too late. You can start watching it now.

Speaker 2: 7:51
Maybe I will. Okay, maybe I will. But yeah, at the end of the day, whether you live in the Middle East or you live here, people are just trying to get through the day. They’re just trying to improve their lives, trying to get an education, get a job and start a family. So the values aren’t much different whether you live in Timbuktu or you live here. Yeah, all right.

Speaker 1: 8:12
Now, are we encouraging marrying someone from back home? No, we’re not.

Speaker 2: 8:16
No, what I always encourage is flexibility.

Speaker 1: 8:19
Yes, someone from back home. No, we’re not. No, what I always encourage is flexibility. Yes, yes, we’re not encouraging it because there’s a long list of uh disadvantages, right starting with um. The common and most famous one is uh fraud, fraud or fraud, fear of fraud, um, yeah, yeah, I mean.

Speaker 2: 8:37
I’ve heard crazy stories of immigration scams. My mom thought you were trying to scam me for immigration at one point. Um, but yeah, I’ve. I’ve heard stories of guys marrying a girl from you know, from the States or Canada, and uh, he comes over, he gets the green card, then divorces her and then the girl is left wondering what happened. So there is that fear um, and it’s a legit one. It’s a legit fear um also, it’s it is a lot harder to vet somebody from back home of course yeah right.

Speaker 2: 9:13
I mean, you might not have family and friends there to properly vet them, and even your family and friends can only do so much yeah, yeah um, and that requires you to fly out there, and then if you have to arrange for a wedding, then most likely they want to do the wedding there, which creates more cost just like in the case of your brother.

Speaker 1: 9:32
So he married as a girl from back home, the sweetest girl ever. Um salam to sis if you’re listening, but um, yeah, like they, you guys had to fly there to have a wedding and alhamdulillah it turned out great but, uh, it’s not for everyone it’s not for everyone.

Speaker 2: 9:49
So there is that con and if, um you know, if you are trying to operate your or try to conduct your marriage within a small budget, then this might not be the best option for you.

Speaker 1: 10:01
Also, I feel that marrying from back home also gets this bad rep, because a lot of times it’s actually a forced wedding, a forced marriage. Like some of the girls we actually have on our database, they are divorced and the previous marriages happened to somebody from back home, whether it’s Africa or somewhere else.

Speaker 2: 10:23
It was a forced marriage and the marriage just fell apart very quickly understandably True, and you can’t exactly get away with a forced marriage as easily here, given the laws and protections there are here versus back home. So yeah, that’s a good point.

Speaker 1: 10:40
It gets a bad name from like a few bad apples ruin it for everyone, unfortunately.

Speaker 2: 10:46
Yeah, true, but that sounds more like a pro that you shouldn’t overlook the idea of getting married to somebody from back home because of these few bad apples.

Speaker 1: 10:58
No, I meant it as in. It’s a con, like to some people. It’s a con because it’s associated with forced marriages I see, I see what you’re saying. Yeah, um any other cons uh well, it is gonna be a long distance relationship. Um, the courting phase is gonna be long distance and, just like we mentioned in the long distance relationship episode, it does add a layer of challenge, it’s not impossible, but it does add that layer yeah, I mean especially um.

Speaker 2: 11:31
In canada or the us it takes a long time to bring your spouse over. My brother waited more than a year to bring his wife over.

Speaker 1: 11:38
I think, like a year and a half or something, about a year and a half Us.

Speaker 2: 11:43
we lived apart for 14 months.

Speaker 1: 11:45
But that’s only because of.

Speaker 2: 11:46
COVID, covid, but even outside of COVID, it would have taken some time. Covid just added in another layer of complexity A few things worth mentioning. When we talk about marrying from back home, obviously we mean somebody from your home country. So if you’re Pakistani, then marrying someone from Pakistan. If you’re Indian, marrying somebody from India, even though India and Pakistan they share much of the same culture anyways. But I think the important thing to note is how you’ve grown up and how you’ve been brought up. Many times and I’ve seen this in my personal life as well as friends too where we’re not that connected to our culture, whether it’s the language, maybe the food to a certain extent, but food you can always learn how to cook yeah right, um, but the language, the customs, um, because at the end of the day, growing up in the west, you, you fuse a lot of the western customs with your cultural customs.

Speaker 2: 12:46
So we have this new culture that we’re forming as we’re, as we’re growing up, and so when you’re marrying somebody from back home, they’re kind of entering in into this new culture, um, that is foreign to them.

Speaker 1: 13:02
Am I making sense?

Speaker 2: 13:03
Yeah, either, they’ll be able to adapt or not yeah, so it does require a self-assessment, understanding what your upbringing has been. Do you feel such an attachment to your culture that you know it is essential that you marry somebody who values culture and who can continue to foster that in your life and in your future children? Or is culture not that important to you?

Speaker 1: 13:33
I feel that a lot of times when somebody says, oh, I just decided to just find somebody from back home and get married, it comes from a place of desperation, like I’ve exhausted all options here, I can’t find anyone here, let’s just marry someone from back home, and it makes it sound like marrying somebody from back home is a second option. That person would be plan B Finding someone here a person from here is better.

Speaker 2: 14:00
Yeah, that’s definitely the wrong approach to take.

Speaker 1: 14:03
Yeah no, I’m sure the intention is right, but, um, I don’t know, it makes it feel like I’ll just.

Speaker 2: 14:10
I’m just so desperate, I’ll marry whoever yeah, that that’s definitely the wrong, the wrong approach to take. Um, like I said, that this journey requires patience. Um, and if, deep down, once you’ve done, you know your self-assessment, you understand what your values are, um what you need most from a spouse, um, just giving into desperation is just a recipe for disaster.

Speaker 1: 14:37
Yeah, because it could make you, uh, wrong decisions. Whether you marry someone from back home or from here, marrying out of desperation is not a recipe for a successful marriage. So the question is now are we discouraging marrying from back home? No, are we encouraging it?

Speaker 2: 14:55
No.

Speaker 1: 14:56
What are we trying to do here? Just remind you to keep an open mind. Keep an open mind you don’t know where the person Allah has written for you. You don’t know where they are. They could be in the east, they could be in the west. Keep an open mind and just consider all options.

Speaker 2: 15:12
Yeah, the more. Like I said, and I’ll keep saying this the more flexible you are, the more doors will open up for you. And, as a reminder, the more you close the doors to halal, the more the doors to haram become enticing. So remember, the Prophet always made the path to marriage easy, so continue to implement that practice, whether you’re a parent or somebody seeking marriage. The path to marriage has always been laid out very simply in our dean and there’s no reason for us to make it more difficult.

Speaker 1: 15:45
If you’d like to work with us. We’re here for you.

Speaker 2: 15:51
If you want to get in contact with us, you can email us through our website. Or if you want to schedule a time to talk with us, you can schedule a call with us through our website. Just go to the Get Started tab and fill out a mini form. We don’t charge at all to schedule a call. It’s completely free. You get to pick our brains and just make sure that we’re a good fit for each other.

Speaker 1: 16:10
Yeah, halalmatchca, hit that link and we’ll see you next episode, inshallah.

Speaker 2: 16:16
Inshallah, assalamu alaikum, assalamu alaikum.