Episode 6: Why Men aren’t Getting Married?

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba.

Speaker 2: 0:02
And I’m Zaid.

Speaker 1: 0:03
You’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in.

Speaker 1: 0:14
Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. I’m your host, hiba, and on the other mic is my husband and co-host, zaid.

Speaker 2: 0:27
Assalamu alaikum everyone.

Speaker 1: 0:28
Wa alaikum assalam, Zaid. As usual, I have a question.

Speaker 2: 0:34
You have a lot of questions.

Speaker 1: 0:35
Yes, I’m a Pandora’s box and today’s question is when did you start looking to get married?

Speaker 2: 0:46
I started looking around my mid-twenties, so we shared this long story in the first episode. But long story short. It was a journey that spanned nine years, and the one thing that I remember was that I was very proactive and that I tried everything, whether it was apps, matrimonial websites, matchmakers, even Facebook groups.

Speaker 1: 1:14
How about WhatsApp groups?

Speaker 2: 1:15
WhatsApp groups. I don’t know if WhatsApp was a big thing back when I was 25. God, I make myself sound so old, but yeah, I mean, if it was, then I tried it. I tried everything under the sun. But when I so we do a lot of festivals, right. We talk to, we go to different networking events, we talk to guys and just try to pick their brains as to why they’re delaying marriage. Are they thinking about marriage? What’s going on through their mind and what’s the one thing we we come, we come across like the the one reason that they’re delaying marriage uh, they’re not ready yet, or they want to enjoy life that before getting locked in yeah, that’s it, but that actually ties into finances.

Speaker 2: 2:06
Guys are often delaying it due to finances um, and I think part of that is cultural um. There is, of course, and religiously speaking also there is the expectation that guys have to be earning and the the expectations that they have to provide food, shelter and clothing.

Speaker 1: 2:23
A requirement, not an expectation.

Speaker 2: 2:25
Oh, a requirement, sorry, Not an expectation but a requirement. That’s right. But the problem is that there is an unrealistic expectation, financial expectation for guys. For some guys, they think that they need to be earning six figures. Guys need to be earning 80K plus.

Speaker 1: 2:44
Oh, be earning 80 plus 80k plus, um, oh yeah, it is a number.

Speaker 2: 2:47
We heard actually, yes, yes, I remember seeing that on a girl’s application once yeah uh, that the guy needs to be earning at least 80 000 a year um that they need to own a house that they need to own a house, that they need to be quote-unquote financially stable, so maybe done with their master’s degree, all sorts of things.

Speaker 2: 3:09
And the problem with that is that when you have this arbitrary number or goal in mind, you you may get close to that, but then you’ll think, okay, a little bit more, I need to have this next thing, or I need to have that next thing oh plus the mahar, by the way.

Speaker 2: 3:25
Oh plus the mahar right, and some of the numbers for my hair are just crazy. Yeah, yeah, we’re talking like 40, 50k. It’s nuts and um and so there. The truth is that if you’re always going to be striving towards some sort of arbitrary financial number or goal, you’re never, going to be striving towards some sort of arbitrary financial number or goal.

Speaker 2: 3:47
you’re never going to get there. Right, right, you could be up, you could be into your 70s still trying to chase that number, and you’ll never get there. And so the truth is that, islamically speaking, you need to provide food, shelter and clothing, but you don’t need to have a house. You don’t need to have your expensive car or a $50,000 meher.

Speaker 1: 4:11
That shelter could actually be a rented apartment. It doesn’t have to be or maybe living with parents until you’re able to get your own place.

Speaker 2: 4:20
And even the meher and this is talking to the girls it needs to be within the financial means of the guy, and I believe there’s a hadith associated with that too, if I’m not mistaken.

Speaker 1: 4:29
Yeah, the Prophet says Most blessed of marriages are the least burdensome.

Speaker 2: 4:36
Right.

Speaker 1: 4:37
Which mainly refers to mahr.

Speaker 2: 4:40
Yeah, and believe it or not, you can also have a spiritual equivalence right, islamic training, hajj, umrahat, things like that. Um, what’s another reason guys are delaying marriage?

Speaker 1: 4:53
maybe they’re, but no, you know what, before we move to that, uh, to the next point, don’t you think it’s unfair to put the blame entirely on guys, when, like saying that you don’t have to earn this much? And all of that Because a lot of times it’s expected from the girl, from the girl’s family, from society. It’s not that they put this burden on themselves, it’s what society dictates these days.

Speaker 2: 5:19
That’s a good point, and that is something I saw over and over again in my search and, alhamdulillah, then I found somebody who didn’t have those um those superficial expectations.

Speaker 2: 5:33
So then that comes with that back down to compatibility. If you’re pursuing a girl that lives a certain lifestyle, um, who comes from a background of very successful professionals, and the expectation is that or like all the brother-in-laws in that family, for example, are very successful professionals, then of course the assumption is that you are going to fall into that category too, right? So it’s also about assessing the family, assessing what the expectations are of the girl, and if these expectations are there, then maybe that’s an indication that she’s not somebody that’s compatible for you.

Speaker 1: 6:10
Actually, it is a case that we came across with this very, very lovely, well-accomplished girl.

Speaker 2: 6:16
Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Speaker 1: 6:17
And one of the reasons she was still single in her 30s is because all the brothers-in-law they’re all doctors and her parents were waiting for a doctor to propose to her yeah, and, believe it or not, this was not a desi girl, no, but mashallah, she’s very accomplished, very sweet girl.

Speaker 2: 6:35
Yeah, she is, she is um, so yeah, like I said, that comes back to compatibility.

Speaker 1: 6:41
I I think honestly there’s a societal change that needs to happen, like we need to treat the problem from its roots, because I believe what you just mentioned, it’s just symptoms. So, going back, like parents need to be re-educated.

Speaker 2: 6:57
Right, I was just about to say that it’s not just societal change, but re-education of what um our quran and sunnah says. Um, there are so many examples from the Sira, from, you know, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam allowing men to use Quranic verses or surahs as mahr, because they were so poor. You know he didn’t go back to them and say go get a job, go become financially stable. Now, of course, these are extreme examples and I would never use that to exempt a guy from from his financial or, sorry, his um for duties upon a wife.

Speaker 1: 7:35
But um, the the point is that the path was made easy exactly, and also it feels like marriage these days is being treated as something you get to after you have a, b, c and d, sometimes j and f and whatever all checked off crossed off.

Speaker 2: 7:53
I remember talking to a guy. It’s like a prize you don’t qualify until you’re done with all of these things, whether that’s guys or girls yeah, so that I think ties into fear and compromise, that you guys feel like they’re giving up something their dreams, their ambitions, all of those things by getting married.

Speaker 1: 8:15
Yeah, that too, but that’s different. What I was saying is that you want to marry somebody who you can grow with, you can accomplish things with experience, life with you don’t want to marry them after you’re done with everything. And now it’s just like it’s a business exchange it’s and it’s boring, like I’m done with everything. Now I’m ready for marriage like what’s left right kids death that yeah, like I don’t know what’s the problem with starting your business after you get married or pursuing another degree after you get married or, I don’t know, building your own house together.

Speaker 2: 8:57
Right, right, instead of having the house ready.

Speaker 1: 8:59
And that applies to girls as well, by the way.

Speaker 2: 9:01
Yeah, yeah, I remember talking to a guy once. So I was just talking to him about marriage and he was just going on and on about how he wants to travel to certain countries before he gets married. He wants to be earning a certain amount of money, and he had this long checklist and just kept going on and on and then after all of those things are checked, and God knows how long it’s going to take, then he said, okay, then maybe I’ll be ready for marriage. But, man, it’s like you said, it goes against the whole spirit of marriage.

Speaker 1: 9:36
Right Like.

Speaker 2: 9:36
Islamically speaking. Islam never talked about marriage as a business exchange or as something that should be treated as like a checklist. Right, the prophet always encouraged people to get married early. Uh, he made the path to marriage easy and um, and that’s why the the conditions are very simple, right, just five conditions, like I mentioned in the previous episode so and uh.

Speaker 1: 10:07
And also guys, if you want to keep waiting until you’re ready and all of that, then you don’t have the luxury to say, oh, I want to marry a 20, 21, 22-year-old, like it’s true that age plays a more significant factor when it comes to girls, but also guys, like you’re not getting any younger and the older you get, the smaller your options get become. I mean.

Speaker 2: 10:35
Exactly. And that actually leads into my final point about comparison. So guys often see their friends or, you know, family members who are financially stable, providing a very lavish lifestyle for their wives and they think that that’s where they need to be in order for them to get married. But you need to evaluate your own circumstances and just somebody just because somebody else is earning a certain amount of money providing that lifestyle, doesn’t mean it’s the right fit for you right what works for your friends might not work for you yeah your goals are different.

Speaker 2: 11:12
Your expectations your own unique story oh, yeah, exactly right, um, like when, when we got married, I think I just I just got a job and, um, I was, I didn’t have my own place, I was living with my mom and, uh, I was going back to school. Actually, I had just finished school and, um, around that time, mom, my mom, was talking me to go back into school, to become a teacher, and so things were just up in the air and I was just figuring things out, um, but yet we talked and we had common values, common interests. We knew there was something there and, alhamdulillah, you were supportive and and we found a way to make it work yeah, alhamdulillah, the all those other things.

Speaker 1: 11:57
I see them as decoration, but it’s not like the house. The structure itself is the compatibility. If you have compatibility, if you have similar values, then you have the structure and then you can decorate it any way you want you, you have the foundation, the foundation. Then you can decorate it any way you want, whether that’s a career, whether that’s where to live, whether that’s like you start from the foundation.

Speaker 2: 12:24
Exactly, and I don’t think I’ve mentioned this to many people before, but, believe it or not and this is for the guys Hiba only asked me how much I was earning until after I was married, and the only reason she asked me was because at that time we were searching for an apartment and we needed to know what our budget was for an apartment.

Speaker 1: 12:45
You know what I forgot about that?

Speaker 2: 12:49
I remember that clearly and I was like this girl has no idea.

Speaker 1: 12:53
What she’s getting herself into.

Speaker 2: 12:54
That I’m broke as a joke and that I I just barely have enough money to put down for as a deposit for an apartment. Um, but hey, you know, we figured out a way to make it work, um so alhamdulillah it worked out it’s a blessing, and um, and yeah, there’s nothing more to say to that okay.

Speaker 1: 13:15
So just like we asked the girls in the previous episodes, we’re asking you guys today, or even girls. You can share your thoughts. Why do you think men are holding off on marriage?

Speaker 2: 13:26
yeah, love to read those comments. Alright, till next time.

Speaker 1: 13:30
Assalamualaikum.