Episode 8: Breaking the Silence on the “D” Word

Speaker 1: 0:00
Assalamu alaikum, I’m Hiba.

Speaker 2: 0:02
And I’m Zaid.

Speaker 1: 0:03
You’re listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2: 0:05
A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1: 0:09
We’ll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2: 0:12
So let’s dive in.

Speaker 1: 0:14
Bismillah.

Speaker 2: 0:18
Assalamu alaikum everyone. My name is Zaid and welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. On the other mic is my wife Hebra and Coroz.

Speaker 1: 0:27
Assalamu alaikum.

Speaker 2: 0:28
And today we are talking about the D word.

Speaker 1: 0:32
Ooh, what’s that?

Speaker 2: 0:34
Divorce.

Speaker 1: 0:36
Okay, yes, I guess we’re dubbing in.

Speaker 2: 0:39
It’s that elephant in the room. It’s one of those things that people just don’t want to talk about, but yet it’s happening.

Speaker 1: 0:48
Yeah, it’s rising Everywhere, everywhere, yes.

Speaker 2: 0:51
We don’t want to treat it like a disease, but it has everywhere.

Speaker 1: 0:54
No, I mean it exists in shocking numbers.

Speaker 2: 0:58
In shocking numbers indeed. So when we were getting married, I mean, were you open to divorce you when you were searching? Yeah, yeah, I wasn’t, honestly, I don’t think married. Were you open to a divorce when we were searching?

Speaker 1: 1:05
Yeah, honestly, I don’t think I would have been open to a divorce with children because I wasn’t ready for that. But yeah, I had no problem with someone who’s been previously married.

Speaker 2: 1:18
Were your parents on board with that.

Speaker 1: 1:20
Honestly, I’ve never discussed it with them, but I don’t think they would have had a problem.

Speaker 2: 1:26
Okay.

Speaker 1: 1:26
Yeah, as long as there was no abuse or like drama and all of that.

Speaker 2: 1:31
Okay, what about you? I think it’s just one of those things that is a bit difficult to. It’s one of those things that is a bit difficult to swallow for guys. It’s one of those things that is a bit difficult to swallow for guys. I’ll admit early on when in my mid-20s I was not looking or not looking, but I was not open to a divorcee, but I mean, I was a bit naive back then and just didn’t know kind of what the reality was of, you know, muslims here in the West.

Speaker 1: 2:07
So why is it a big thing for guys? Is it because of virginity, I think it’s virginity, yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:10
But as I got older and as the pressure of finding a spouse started to mount, I did become a bit more flexible. I think I told you once before that I was even considering a widow who had a child at one point towards the end of my search.

Speaker 1: 2:30
Nice.

Speaker 2: 2:31
But regardless, it is one of those things that I think both guys and girls have difficulty wrapping their head around. Have difficulty wrapping their head around but professionally speaking, yeah, like you said, divorce is definitely way more common than we think, and we I would say God if I was to give it a number maybe half or a quarter of our calls each month is from somebody who’s divorced. Yeah, and the interesting thing and this was a huge surprise for me that the picture that gets painted about divorce is typically what Abuse, neglect, in-laws problems, in-laws problems, financial problems and all of those things do play a part. But the one word that we keep hearing over and over and over again when we ask people what happened is what Incompatibility Exactly? Somebody got married to someone overseas or even over here. They didn’t ask the right questions, there wasn’t a proper courting phase. When we say courting, we’re not talking about dating. We’re talking about assessing compatibility, asking the right questions. So that didn’t happen. They jumped into the relationship, got married and realized the hard way that they just weren’t compatible.

Speaker 1: 3:55
I remember one case the girl discovered he’s not a good match for her after a few days of marriage, not even a month.

Speaker 2: 4:03
Was that a client we talked to? Yes, wow, I can’t even remember that.

Speaker 1: 4:08
And a lot of times we hear that the marriage broke after two months, three months, eight months yeah, a recent client we just introduced.

Speaker 2: 4:15
She got divorced after eight months. Yeah, yeah, so yeah that, based on what we’re seeing, it is the number one reason for divorce and the the attitude that gets associated with divorce is pretty bad. What is the one reaction or response we keep seeing when it comes to divorce?

Speaker 1: 4:40
it’s like fear. No, I don’t want to get there. It’s like messy thing.

Speaker 2: 4:45
Yeah, I remember one girl I was speaking to once. She’s like no, I preserve myself for so long. I don’t feel like it would be right if I married somebody who got divorced.

Speaker 1: 4:55
It’s like he didn’t preserve himself, it’s like he committed haram or something.

Speaker 2: 5:01
There’s this attitude that or like this depiction of a divorcee where they’re tainted that something has been taken away.

Speaker 1: 5:11
They’re broken, they’re broken, they’re weaker. They’re emotionally unstable.

Speaker 2: 5:17
I remember one guy we were talking to. He said when we suggested the idea of marrying a divorcee, he said I can’t get into a relationship with someone who didn’t have, I think, the strength and maturity. No.

Speaker 1: 5:31
I can’t trust a woman who couldn’t maintain a relationship. So, without knowing her, without knowing her circumstances, he immediately decided that the divorce happened because of her, because her shortcomings and her fault and she can’t be trusted. Exactly how un-Islamic is this?

Speaker 2: 5:50
Very un-Islamic. And how many marriages of Prophet were to divorcees or widows.

Speaker 1: 5:55
Well, all of them, except for Aisha, radiallahu anha, amazing.

Speaker 2: 5:59
Yeah, but I guess we all think we’re better than him, right? I guess we all think we’re better than him right.

Speaker 1: 6:04
Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know about you guys, but for a girl I don’t know why divorce should play a factor, like given that we’re not talking about any abuse or anything of that sort but why divorce should play any factor. If he’s a good person, he’s a good guy.

Speaker 1: 6:22
He has all that it takes for a husband yeah why divorce should take like should play a role in your decision. We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. We all come with our baggage. Like you can find a somebody who’s single, never married, but they have heavier baggage than somebody who was divorced. Who, who?

Speaker 2: 6:43
is divorced, there’s this automatic assumption that a divorcee has trauma or some sort of, like you said, baggage coming along with them.

Speaker 1: 6:54
Yeah, and the strange thing is, many of these divorces we’re coming across it’s young people, it’s very young people. So does this mean that now they’re just crossed off, they’re not going to be able to get married because the life is over. It’s very, very unfair.

Speaker 2: 7:13
Yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:14
SubhanAllah, if you look at the time of the Prophet, like when the divorce happened, there would be men waiting in line to marry this woman who just got divorced and, of course, like, given that her iddah is over, but like there was no stigma about divorce.

Speaker 2: 7:33
It was uncommon for a woman to be single. Exactly.

Speaker 1: 7:36
Even like a widowed woman. We’re talking about divorce now, but even in the case of a husband dying, there were people waiting to marry this woman.

Speaker 2: 7:45
Yeah, yeah, even women who had children.

Speaker 1: 7:47
Yeah, and Sayyidah Khadijah radiallahu anha, the first wife of the Prophet alayhi salam. He was young, he was handsome, he was successful, and the first wife he married was widowed Khadijah radiallahu anha. She was widowed twice, with children.

Speaker 2: 8:09
Yeah, yeah, she was widowed twice with children. Yeah, yeah, I wish we adopt a more prophetic mentality and just go back to the roots of our deen.

Speaker 1: 8:14
Yeah, I feel kind of hypocritical saying all this stuff because I wasn’t open to a divorce even in my mid-20s. Yeah, but you learned from your mistake.

Speaker 2: 8:20
Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1: 8:20
Yeah, that’s one of the reasons we’re doing this podcast is because we want to share. We want to share our professional experiences and, at the same time, share our personal experiences and some of the mistakes we’ve done and we don’t want you to make.

Speaker 2: 8:35
Yeah, the other thing to note is that divorce has become so common within the Muslim population that we’re at a point now where we have to develop an open mind, because our pool of selection as it stands is already small, and, with divorce becoming so common, the chances of you courting someone that is divorced is going to be very high, and so we have to educate ourselves about the topic of divorce, understand what the Quran and Sunnah says about it, and adopt a more open mind and understand that the more averse we are going to be to someone that’s divorced, unfortunately, the more difficult we’re going to make our selection process.

Speaker 1: 9:24
Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:25
And as a reminder, like we said before, that divorce isn’t necessarily associated with abuse, neglect, trauma, things like that.

Speaker 1: 9:35
This is like the minority minority of cases, a very small minority, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:40
The majority of the cases, like we said, is incompatibility. People make mistakes, but life goes on and, yeah, anything else you wanted to share.

Speaker 1: 9:51
Actually, I do have a question. Yeah, why is shame associated with divorce when it comes to women but not men, Like for a divorced man? It’s much easier to get remarried.

Speaker 2: 10:05
I would say the shame associated with women is because of the whole virginity thing. I think, yeah, yeah, it’s the same reason why, you know, it’s more shameful for a woman to have multiple partners than a man to have multiple partners. Well, that’s haram, that’s not shameful, yeah, I know, but I’m just talking about it from a societal perspective, right, Like when a man has multiple partners, they call him a player, right. When a woman has multiple partners, she’s called a slut, right, right.

Speaker 1: 10:42
So it’s about how we view that’s a good point actually.

Speaker 2: 10:45
It’s about how we view things as a society.

Speaker 1: 10:47
So I guess we are a sexist society after all, even when it comes to divorce, I guess.

Speaker 2: 10:52
Yeah, sexist society after all, even when it comes to divorce, I guess. Yeah, I don’t know. Anyways, that was an interesting segue, but I hope you guys benefited. I hope you guys add something in the comment section. Let us know what you think.

Speaker 1: 11:07
Let us know. Are you open to somebody who’s divorced or do you think it comes with too much of a baggage?

Speaker 2: 11:14
yeah, it’s a good question. Yeah, all right till next time inshallah, salam alaikum.